Art by Robbie ConalRapture Ready Index
Above 145: “Fasten your seat belts” Today: 166! (“Satanism is reported to be flourishing in Russia”).
Onward Christian Soldiers
Come on you fundalmentalists, HOP ON BOARD! John McCain will lead you to the Armageddon…the Apocalypse. Are you Rapture-Ready?Jerry Falwell joined the GOP in the late seventies and helped elect Reagan, my dad and ME.
Today I call upon thee all to volunteer for front line duty to elect John McCain. THE DECIDER demands that you take to the streets and go house-to-house, make robo-calls, pass out flyers in Black neighborhoods that tell Negoes to wait until Wednesday to vote. You are doing the Lord’s work.
Johnny is a crazy hothead son-of-a-bitch who will nuke Iran and bring about THE SECOND COMING.
I realize most of you hate McCain for his remark during the 2008 primary election:
Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson are AGENTS OF INTOLERANCE!
Trust me, that was just a senior moment and John is now on board to offer you guys 70 virgins…and for you ladies: There are no credit limits in heaven!
Back off John McCain
…I don’t like him either, but he’s our dog in this fight.I didn’t know a Shiite or Sunni from my butt when I invaded Iraq so I asked some experts.
Middle East Oil men. My daddy’s been in business with these Saudi guys for 40 years.
In 1977 I demanded a slice of the action and Pappy talked one of his best Saudi buds into bankrolling my first company, Arbusto Energy - “ARBUSTO” is illegal immigrant for “BUSH”. We didn’t find no oil and Arbusto went El Busto and Salem bin Laden wasn’t none too happy.
Bin Laden? Yeah, Salem is Osama’s big brother…but, as my old pappy always says,
“There’s one Black Sheep in every family expect in a family of black sheep.” Pa used to claim I was the Bush Black Sheep, but he misunderestimted me. I’ve been the Decider and Commander Guy for 7+ years and he only got 4!
But, we was talking about McCain. Don’t you good folks fret…
I’m gonna learn John Boy all about Sunnis and Shia and intoduce him to my Saudi friends.
(Hope he don’t mind all that sissy kissing and holding hands stuff).
.Saudis are Sunni and they support their team in Iraq and Iran is Shia and they back their boys 110%. This game has been going on since Jesus wannabe, Muhammad croaked in 632.
These clans don’t much like each other. When my friends talk about a Shiite, they drop the extra “i” and chop off the “e”. Now there’s a fun fact that Johnny can remember.
I’m here to help.
I am the kingliest president since George Washington. And, I am an Oil Guy (like my daddy) and Condi is an Oil Chick. We are listening in on all you commie peackniks who want America to withdraw her troops who are stationed along the Halliburton natural gas pipeline across Afghanistan and our oil which somehow got misplaced under Iraqi sand.The Constitution is just a piece of paper and your First and Fourth Ademendment rights have been overruled by the Decider/ Commander Guy.
If that is a problem for you, BRING IT ON!
. Listen up, peons. I’ve spied upon and saved you from evil domestic terrorists such as
Grannies for Peace and the Quakers for seven years and I demand some payback.
Click here to see how I have saved America from hippie peaceniks.
You’re welcome.
Now I ask you for one small favor…call your Senator or Congress(pc)person and tell them
to vote for immunity for all American telecoms who have bent over to my magnificence.
If these wimpy corporations (like ATT) get sued for ignoring that silly Fourth Amendment the criminal trail could lead to me, and I know you don’t want that to happen to your beloved leader:
or 
My last State of the Union Speech- 1/28/08 on How I Saved the World!
*Okay, America doesn’t have $150,000,000,000 for an Economic Stimulus Package.
We would have to borrow the money from Communist China and then repay them (with interest) for decades and you folks would probably take your refund money down to Walmart and buy cheap Asian sweatshop products.
Let’s review: America borrows money from China and you spend it on Chinese crap.
Whose economy does that stimulate?
I HAVE A NEW PLAN! We can buy these cheap Chinese rose colored glasses for 69c a pair for every American and suddenly, there is no recession, the surge is working, 5 American GIs were not killed in Iraq today, the Republicans have always led the charge to stop global warming and promote stem cell research and alternative fuel…
Wait a second! My glasses are broken …I can see some reality and it burns.
Poppy, make it go away!
The Decider’s 2008 New Year Resolutions
1) I will restrict my drinking to my ranch in Crawford, Texas.2) I will spend more time clearing brush at the ranch cause that’s where I hid the bottles.
Oh, sure…You say, “Those are on Dubya’s list every year”, but…
2008 is the last full year of my great presidency and I’ve got some new ones for y’all.
The common theme is “Time to Cash In!”
NEW RESOLUTIONS OR 2008:
BEFORE I LEAVE OFFICE I PLEDGE TO:
1) Allow fellow Americans to cash in their Social Security savings for chips at an Indian Casino near you.
2) Veto a paper trail in the next election, but approve purple thumbs for every American voter.
3) Start building my Presidential Library…
Link to ABC storySure, SMU (Laura’s school) turned me down last year, but Tom Cruise offered to host my stuff at the Scientology Headquarters in Hollywood…with my terms: Taxpayers get the bill, but no one will be admitted unless they know the secret Skull and Bones handshake…and none of those guys pay taxes (heh, heh!).
2) Invade another harmless third-world country with lots of oil.
Okay, our cover has been blown in Iran. No Problemo! We will move on to the next nation on the world’s oil producing list…Venezuela!
Hugo Chavez is worse than Hitler, Saddam and Bin-what’s-his-name and is a greater threat to the Western Hemisphere than the Cuban Missile Crisis or the Bay of Pigs.
…Okay, I admit…I’m on thin ice here…still working on my FEAR Talking Point, But, I’ve asked Laura to get me and my Spokesperson, Dana Perino, up to speed on our new bogeyman.
Don’t misunderestimate me. Most Liberals (my daddy made that a cuss word) think I’m stupid…they claim I’m a history major that doesn’t know history and I got us stuck in a quagmire in Iraq.
Get a clue, Suckas! Congress is filled with ex-corporate lawyers who put their millions-per-year jobs on hold to become Public Servants (Yeah, right!). If the majority of Congress were ex-barbers, every American would be required to get an haircut once a week that would make John Edwards’ Do look like a bargain! I know how our government really works…Do you?
My White House Inner Circle (Condi, Darth Cheney, Andy Card, etc, etc, etc) are major players from the OIL INDUSTRY. Are we dumb, or has our invasion of the Middle East gone EXACTLY as we planned? When I took over in 2001 the average cost of a barrel of oil was $25…today, nearly $100. The average cost of a gallon of gas was $1.10…Today…$3.30. You can waste your time reading history…We make history!
You tell me, Lefties…Am I stupid? Has your personel fortune increased 4Xs in the last 7 years?
Tip of the Iceberg…
4) I resolve to push the price of an oil barrel to $200 by the end of 2008…and finally:
5) Cash in on my great work as president.
The Oil Industry will now dump millions into my Think Tank and pay me $200,000 an hour per lecture for the rest of my life.
Laura just told me that Gore is the third Democrat (Carter and Wilson are the others) to win the Nobel PEACE Prize and we Republicans ain’t won none.
Alfred Noble invented dynamite! Without his great work WASP men could have lost control of the world’s natural resources a hundred years ago.
WHY ISN’T THERE A NOBEL WAR PRIZE…or, better yet, A KISSINGER WAR PRIZE?
Past American Presidents could only keep their wars running for a few years…
Mine will last forever!
I demand that the wimpy Democrats give me a Kissinger war prize immediately.
10/16:
Look…Democracy had a good run in America for 204 years, and then my dad and Henry Kissinger decided to move on. They knew Americans would not elect a recent head of the CIA so they placed a bad B-movie actor out front to give speechs and make public appearances while Poppy ran the country for 8 years. Then Daddy took over for 4 years, but he didn’t take no acting classes so people didn’t trust him and he lost to Bill Clinton in 1992.
Then the two clans worked out a deal:
A DUAL MONARCHY: One family rules America for 8 years and then switch.
Now, it’s Hillary’s turn…
BUT…The Bush family offers an alterative:
How about another bad actor (TV…not even B-movies) like Fred Thompsom to give speeches and make public appearences while JEB BUSH runs the country as VP?
The Most Popular Search on Google Earth?
Navy to mask Coronado’s swastika-shaped barracks:
CORONADO, Calif., The U.S. Navy has decided to spend as much as $600,000 for landscaping and architectural modifications to obscure the fact that one its building complexes looks like a swastika from the air.
Matt WuerkerDang…Above is the exact design I had in mind for the remodel of my Crawford ranch upon my retirement. My Grandpappy, Prescott always told me that this LUCKY LOGO made the Bush family rich!
Don’t know what it means, but I like it!
9/22/07: Okay, now I know who Nelson Mandela is. I know he’s not dead.
…But, the guy is 89 and old people drop dead every day…
Odds were good he was gone when I made my comment, but the jerk refused to cooperate.
Fool me twice…and we won’t get fooled again!
Look, I don’t understand this apartheid stuff, but I know that Reagan didn’t like Mandela and loyal Reaganites called Mandela a terrorist and a communist because he asked American Corporations to Boycott the LEGAL WHITE GOVERNMENT of South Africa.
I’m gonna make South Africa the fourth member of my Axis of Evil…
I promise to invade SA, arrest Mandela and send him to Gitmo!
9/16/07: Why aren’t you people supporting Return on Success?
Let me explain my plan again in simple terms. I will use dollars instead of soldiers because
thinking of endangered human life hurts my brain.
Say I borrow $139,000 from a bank and when they tell me to pay them back. I ask for another loan. See, I catch them by surprise and they give me another $30,000. Immediately I offer to pay back $5,700 by Christmas for my photo-op and the balance of the second loan by next summer. At that point I still have the $139,000 from the first loan, but I have established a good credit rating with the bank so I will ask them for another loan!
Vietnam was way cool.
Cheney, Gore, Clinton, Quayle and I regret that we couldn’t serve…
WE are FORTUNATE SONS…We had Other Priorities , and ELITE Kids have never been used as cannon fodder in any American War. You can’t do that Kevin Bacon Six Degrees of Separation thing with anyone I know and an American soldier. My people profit from war, you peons fight them.
I see Laura and Jenna hired that Elvis Slobinsky to ghost write their children’s book.
Sure, he did a great job on Mom’s “Millie’s Book”, but the guy has changed…he did a real hatchet-job on my bud Ted Stevens.
I don’t trust the guy.
Guess I’ll have to hire a ghost reader pretty soon. I’ve got the FBI tracking down the nerds who took my tests in college.
I know that Cheney’s approval rating is below 2%. I guess ole Abe was right when he said,
“You Can’t Fool All of the People All of the Time”, but you have to admit…
We fooled most of you for 6 years!
Looky here…Honest Abe was the first Republican…Dick and I are the NEW, IMPROVED VERSION!
We don’t do honesty! My base group hates science and evolution and all the classes we failed in school. Dick and me make up our own facts. So watch Fox News…toss off the yoke of the reality-based world…Igorance is Bliss! (In Lincoln’s defense: there was no OIL INDUSTRY in his day, so he didn’t know how to “work a job” like Dick and me.)
PLAN B: If the democrats grow a spine (unlikely) and impeach Deadeye Dick, I will replace him with McCain who (like wimpy Jerry Ford) has already agreed to pardon me from all war crimes.
PLAN C: Or, would you rather have a bad actor with no clue like Reagan or Fred Thompson become spokesman for Corporate America while a real patriot like my daddy (ex head of the CIA) runs the USA?
Wow! Only 18 months to go in the first and last real job I’ve ever had, and I’m starting to think about my retirement…So, I’ve decided to auction off the twins: Jenna and that other one.
Turd Blossum told me to put them on EBay (whatever that is).
So, listen up, Arab princes…the bidding starts at a billion dollars each or $1,999,999,999 for the pair.
I know you guys are like Mormons with multiple wives (Two Lauras? Who would want that?).
The Bush clan has been a loyal member of the Carlyle Group for more than 30 years and a Bush girl would be a valuable addition to any harem.
Nobody steals a watch from Commander Guy. I showed the watch to reporters, but the Liberal Press accused me of the old switheroo! I swear it is the same watch I had in Albania…and the guy who took is now in a secret prison just 30 miles from his home. President Bush (not my daddy)
5-10: As you know, the DC Madam’s Client List was made public, so Uncle Karl sent Cheney to Iraq. Now, I’m not saying that Dick or Lynn (author of that hot Lesbo novel SISTERS) are on the list, but my daddy said it is prudent for them to stay away from reporters for a while. One slight problem: Dick has a 9% approval rating in the USA and a -9% in the rest of the world and the terrorists bombed him again today in our ultrasafe Green Zone. Why do people bomb Dick wherever he goes? W
4-30: How dare ex-CIA chief, George Tenet out me! Everyone on the inside knew that there were no WMDs and we invaded Iraq for the oil, but you can’t just come right out and say it. How can I fool all the people all the time with a blabbermouth like Tenet? Shut up, George…I know where you live.
I am the Decider! I am the Outer!
W…not my Daddy!
4/10: I invited Reid and that Pelosi chick to the White House…where THE PRESIDENT lives!…to talk about money for my war. This is not a sign of weakness! I will do the talking. And, if that doesn’t work I will hold my breath until they give me my hundred billion dollars.
Easter Sunday: That dang Sheehan chick was bugging me again over Easter. I’m real sorry about her son, but let,s face facts…someone has to sacrifice for the oil, and it sure ain’t gonna be me, my kids or anyone in my circle of friends. Think I’ll pay Cindy a little visit…
4/4: Here’s my final offer to Congress: If you give me another hundred billion or so for Halliburton,
I’ll support the troops with another turkey for Easter!
3/30: I will veto any bill with a Timetable for Withdrawl. There is no withdrawl in an occupation. The only way to win an occupation is to stay forever. Doesn’t this new Congress get this?
3/23: Alberto’s doing a heck of a job and I will back him, just like Rummy… 100%, until TurdBlossum tells me to dump him. Could be next Friday (heh,heh). W…Not my Daddy
The Editors at Constructive Anarchy find this presidential statement to be irresponsible, irrational and probable…thus we have scraped together $12 and bet the wad on Friday, March 30 as the day the WORST ATTORNEY GENERAL in American history hits the unemployment line.
3-15: Beware the Ides of March! I read that in one of them Shakespeares (Classic Comics Editions). Fellow Republicans are attacking my No Child Left Behind Program. They say “teaching to the test only teaches kids to take a test, and this has nothing to do with real learning”.
I won’t back down on this issue! This is the only decent grade left on my Presidential Report Card. Please don’t take it away. If someone had taught me to take tests in high school I wouldn’t have had to pay all those eggheads to take my exams in college. President Bush (Not My Daddy)
3/9: Latin America hates me. Listen, Amigos, I’m offering $3 an hour in my Guest Worker Program… Love me or I will send you to Gitmo.
Se Habla Espanole….Dubya
3/3: Heck ya, I Support our Troops! Halliburton, Blackwater and Big Oil would be broke without these kids. Of course, after they get wounded, Corporate America has to cut its losses and warehouse our defective war machines to Building 18 at Walter Reed. I really love these kids, but if they aren’t physically able to protect an oil pipeline I must purge them form the public payroll. That’s Hard Love, Baby. Being the Decider ain’t easy!
2/27: I told Dick to bring his shotgun to Afghanistan, but does he ever listen to me?
Dang those Dixie Chicks. Listen to some Merle Haggard…Is he related to my friend Ted?
@/10: Do you think it’s easy to come up with a $3,000,000,000,000 (bigger than a Texas prairie muffin) budget that still cuts all social services for the poor and middle class? This war will last forever, but right after that some of your tax dollars might benefit you.
W
Did you see that fabulous Snicker’s ad during the SuperBowl?
I almost chocked on a pretzel (again). W
1-30: Last Sunday we were fighting a bunch of crazy arabs who called themselves the Soldiers of God…. Poppin’ Prairie Muffins! Americans are the Soldiers of God! I have Jesus on speed-dial!
George W. Bush (not my daddy)
1-25: Gimme my war! I want $100,000,000,000 and 21,500 cannon fodder poor kids for the next six months in Iraq (by coincidence, $100,000,000,000 is the cost of one year of a National Health Care Program for every American- NY Times study). I know you would rather spend your tax dollars to liberate the Iraqis from their oil.
Hint: Don’t get sick for a while.
PS: I also need $10,000,000,000 and more of your kids for Afghanastan.
Do you mind if I bring back the draft?
1-18: Those damn Holier-Than-Thou Methodist ministers at SMU don’t want my library! I told them that there’s lots of violent Wrath-of-God stuff in the Old Testament and much of it took place in Iraq (see Classic Comics edition of The Bible- pages 8 to 12). That is why Jesus (and Halliburton and Big Oil) told me to invade. Like the Blues Brothers...I’m on a mission from God!
1/10/07: Did you hear me speechifying last night (Jan 10)?
“Victory this and Success that…Win,win win!” Americans love to win.
Okay, we all know the score: the Shiites (yes, now I know who they are) run Iraq and they want revenge. My advisers said an escalation of 2,150 more American GIs will:
1) Prolong the occupation so a Democrat President can go down in history as The Man Who Lost Iraq…or,
2) Help the Shiites murder every Sunni (5,000,000 Iraqis).
I’m hoping for number two cause that means We Win!
Let’s face it: there would be no Democratic America as we know it today without a genocide of them Injuns, and the same thing is true in Iraq. Give me a SURGE of 20,000 troops to wipe out the Sunnis so DEMOCRACY can bloom in the Middle East!
Don’t even think about impeachment. In the big DC reshuffle this past two weeks I’ve placed a General or Admiral in charge of EVERY Intelligence Agency. Civilians think…my guys take orders!
1/3: 30% of Americans think that we just hanged the man who planned 9/11.
For the sake of our country, I’m asking the other 70% of y’all to stay home during the next election. Ignorance Is Strength! W.
12/26: Jerry’s gone and that reminds me…got to get rid of Dick and find a sucker willing to pardon me. Betya McCain would follow me down to the crossroads. W
12/24: I asked Santa for 30,000 more poor kids to guard my oil and a Liberarary…hold on…that annoying spell check thingie…
I mean Library…IF I retire from this president gig. Already hired the best fantasy and fiction writers in the country to catapult the propaganda about how I won the war!
W. (not my daddy)
12-12: Hang in there with me, folks…my master plan is working!
Iraq had 24,000,000 people when we took over and 5% of their population has been killed in the last 3 years. 2,000 Iraqis are fleeing the country ever week (1,500,000 thus far). At this rate there will be no Iraqis left in Iraq in 2080 and that means WE WIN! W
12-5: Got my man in! Daddy said Robert Gates was the best man for the job because:
1) He knows how to cherry-pick intelligence. As Casey’s righthand man under Reagan, Gates made it seem like Russia was a bigger threat than ever at a time when they were actually swirling down the toilet.
2) Gates is an expert at cover-ups and lying to Congress…helped Casey hide that whole Iran/Contragate mess: selling arms to our enemy to finance an illegal war in Nicaragua. Come to think of it, that commie Ortega just got elected down there…I might have to ask Gates to do that whole operation over again!
3) Robert Gates is one of us. Since he left the CIA Robert has sat on the boards of three big defense contractors and an oil company tied to Halliburton. W.
I’ve just been informed that there are three major groups in Iraq: Shiites (erase an “i” and an “e”) 60% of the population, who were squashed by Sunnis for 35 years (Saddam was a Bed and Baathist Sunni), 20% of the population. The remaining 20% are the Kurds, who want to create their own country of Kurdistan. If they try, Turkey will invade and the result will be a new people called the “TURDS”. Heh, heh…I made that part up.
Right after “Mission Accomplished” I sent Franklin Graham (Billy’s kid) to save the pagans in Iraq.
At the time there were 5,000 Christians in Iraq…today there are 5,024. At this rate we will win the New Holy Crusade in less than 2,000,000 years…so, STAY THE COURSE! W
11-23: THANKSGIVING
Dear Lord;
You are still number one on my Buddies List and I have much to be thankful for on this day.
Most of my loyal friends are gone (because they were loyal), but I’m still here.
Barney and Laura still believe in my Iraq plan and Mrs Bush has never tried to ram her car into mine.
I wish to thank FBI agent O’Reilly for stocking the ole oak tree on my Crawford ranch with Jack D. when I’m “clearing brush”.
And, finally, I wish to thank Condi for…well, ‘nough said.
Amen
Jesus, please respond immediately. W
11-18: Here I am in Vietnam…Reporting for duty!
As you know White House.gov had another brain fart last week when they posted an image of the old South Vietnam flag (retired in 1975) to honor my visit. Some of these orientals were pissed off and flew a Confederate flag when I arrived. Jokes on them…I love that flag. Wish they would have flown the Texas Lone Star…love that one even more!
11-16: Only 30% of Mexicans voted for us this election (more than 40% in 2004) so I named Mel Martinez as head of the RNC. Laura told me that Mel’s really a Cuban, but I say, “If it quacks like a chicken then it must be a pollo loco.”
Half of my people said Martinez is too soft on immigration, so I gave them Trent (“Bring Back Segregation”) Lott as Senate Whip the next day. Now the other half says racism lost us the election. There’s just no pleasing you people!
11-8: What happened? How could we lose? Turd Blossum is my brain and for the first time it mismalfunctioned.
Rummy is gone and Dick went hunting on election day…ain’t seen him since.
If this Pelosi chick impeaches me and Cheney, who would become president?…HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!
11-5:Hang Him High!. The bad guys always get hunged in good movies or else they have a shootout at high noon with the good guy…and I would be happy to face Saddam mano a mano but I have other priorites that day and my Colt 45 is in the shop for repairs. W
11-1: Ole Abe was wrong. You can fool one third of all Americans ALL OF THE TIME. Just check my poll numbers. Swiftboated Kerry again. Didn’t know what hit him. Once again we chickenhawks are the heroes and combat vets are the traitors. Gotta love corporate media…DUMBING OF AMERICA.
Welcome to my world. W
10-31: Halloween! You know what really scares me? Rovie (Turd Blossum) has been my top advisor since my Texas Governor days and he always says, “Screw facts! We’ll create our own reality.” This worked out great for the past decade, but now many Americans want the reality back. Fear and Smear isn’t working in this campaign. Common people are asking me questions!
BAN GAY MARRIAGE,BAN GAY MARRIAGE…I CAN’T HEAR YOU…
10-24: We need a new slogan pronto! I’m on a conferance call to God and We need your input. “Stay the Course” is unpopular. Mindmeld with me…Change the Course…Curse the Course…Change the Curse…I feel the blood coursing through my brain…”Change the Bloody Course“…
No, that’s Blair’s slogan and he’s out. I’ve never had a real job before and I don’t want to lose this one…
“No one can talk to a horse, of course, of course, unless that horse is the amazing Mr. Ed”…
Don’t change horses in midstream, unless, of course, your horse is drowning because you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him swim…and, of course, never look a gift horse or lobbist in the mouth if there’s millions of dollars involved to stay the course.
Throw me a bone here…my head is about to explode! W
10-17:Thank God the FBI nailed Julia Wilson…the Number One threat to National Security (and my butt!).
W (Not my daddy).
9/30: Thank you Congress for rolling over on my Torture Bill. Was it good for you? I hope you realize that this new law pardons me as a war criminal…heh, heh, gotya again!
Now, I need a new bill…and quick! I want to round up American war protestors like that Sheehan chick and send them to one of my secret prisons when they hit our streets after Karl’s October Surprise of nuking Iran.
I’ve got some great “hazing techniques” from my Skull and Crossbones days that I want to use on these people.
When y’all return from vacation, I expect all loyal Republicans to deliver me a bill that eliminates Congress, so I can get you slackers off my payroll.
PS: Magic Sam, take out that Iran nuke stuff. I forgot…it’s a secret. W
9/23: Wow, what a great week! I had the winning E-Bay bid on Ricky Bobby’s “El Diablo” jumpsuit and then Hugo compared me with my hero. I’m almost sorry that I ordered the CIA to assassinate this senor. GOTYA! I said, “almost”.
Who the heck is Noam Chomsky? We don’t like ethnic names in Texas, so we’d call him “No Chomp”…like a dog that don’t bite. Kinda like senators McCain, Warner and Graham. They barked and growled about my torture bill all week, and we came to a compromise: “America will obey the rules of the Geneva Conventions as interpreted by the president.”
So I will interperate: “Geneva Convention rules ain’t worth a prairie muffin and I will fling them out the nearest window as soon as possible!”
I want a legal torture bill. Give it to me, give it to, give it to me!
I invented a bunch of HAZING techniques during my Skull and Crossbone days.
Fellow classmate, Gary Trudeau’s first cartoon was about my branding-new-pledges-with-a-red-hot-coathanger idea. Made us both famous!
Wow! Jesus just spoke to me, and He told me to make Gitmo a university…give enemy combatants a diploma.
But first, they must pass the hazing ritual…
9/12: LOVED Path to 9/11! It’s about time Hollywood realized that Americans want entertainment…not boring facts.
Thank you, ABC, Disney and David Horowitz. Keep on “Catapulting the Propaganda”…the evil “Reality-based Media” is nearly dead!
Dubya
9/10: A lot of folks have been misunderstanding my speechifing this week, so here’s a recapitation:
I sent 14 “enemy combatants” (not POWS) from secret prisons that I told you don’t exist to Gitmo where they will receive a fair trial which Alberto and I told you we don’t have to give them, but now the Supreme Court says we do, so we kinda will, except they can’t see the evidence against them and confessions made during torture are okey-dokey…and, by the way, we don’t torture, no sireee! It’s right there in the new Army Manual: “Don’t Torture…and when you do, don’t take no damn pictures!”
The CIA will now deal with these tough hombres…and, give them…um…”tough questions” (not torture). Kinda like my English 101 exam…heh,heh. Dubya
P.S. I finally got smart and paid a brainiac to take that test for me.
P.P.S. To all my FUNDALMENTALIST FRIENDS: Don’t you dare miss my big 9/11 speech.
I will be SPEAKING IN TONGUES in your honor!
I forget the date, but it’s coming right up. W
9-1: Hope you heard me speechifing today, cause it was a real humdinger:
“[Our enemies] are successors to fascists, to Nazis, to communists and other totalitarians of the 20th century.” Americans aren’t afraid of terrorists no more, so we decided to stick some new scary images in your heads. We took a poll last week: “Who Do You Hate?” Proud to say I finished 10 points lower than Hitler, 6 below Stalin, 2 under Mussolini, and just above Idi Amin (who claimed he ate his enemies’ hearts). Bring it on, Eaty! You’ll be eating your own heart out after the next poll!
We’re gonna push this Nazi thing right up to the election…VOTE GOP OR DIE…and have a nice day. W
P.S. I suggested zombies (they scare the hell out me) but Karl said no.
Well, here I am on vacation again with my good buddy Jack (Daniels).
I hear tell that that Sheehan chick bought a place up the road.
There goes the neighborhood!
Karl and Dick send me to Crawford every Aug., and weird stuff happens: ie, the run up to 9/1/1 in 2001, Katrina last year, WW III now.
But, as Jenna says, “It’s all good”.
GW Bush (not my Daddy)
Hey, I was just kidding about that “Freedom’s On the March” stuff. I’m an Oil Man and so is my Daddy. Dick builds our pipelines and pumps that black gold. Condi was so good at Chevron they named a damned tanker in her honor, and she’s doing a heck of job…creating “Controlled Chaos” in the Middle East. Constructive Anarchy was our first choice of terms, but this site already owned the name and that’s why I post my thoughts here.
BOTTOM LINE: They got the oil. You want it. We can get it for you.
So…shut up and let us work our magic!
President GW Bush (not my daddy)
First of all: I was not drunk at the G8! Heck, a six-pack is just called “breakfast” in Texas.
Second: I finally found that veto stamp thingie (plus two Nixon tapes and JFK’s little black book) under a false bottom of the bottom drawer in the oval office desk. Clinton hid it there to make me look bad. I would have vetoed lots of stuff if I knew where the darn stamp was, so you can blame America’s nine trillion dollars debt on Slick Willie!
President George W. Bush (not my daddy)
My new Democracies in the Middle East keep electing crazy religious nuts. I tell them folks, “You keep setting ‘em up, and I’ll keep knocking ‘em down” (and, this time Israel is doing the heavy lifting).
Democracy is hard work…takes a lot of time and hard work.
Look at it this way: it took America 224 years to elect its best president (me)!
Dubya (not my daddy)
Kenny Boy is dead, dead, dead! Please ignore the postcard above and my last post when you hit “continued”. I used a whole bottle of White Out on my screen, but I can’t seem to delete my last entry. I can’t even see what I’m typing, but Ken Lay is drw321esd, dezgd, deq2cd!
Kenny Boy was due to be sentenced (Oct 23) just before the election. Legal experts say that Ken would have received 160 years in prison and a fine of $182,000,000! The wingnut liberals would have made poor Kenny the poster boy for GOP corruption and greed. Unacceptable! Turd Blossum and Rummie said erase him, but Poppie said no and they backed off (Daddy still has death squad connections). So, anyhoo we placed Kenny Boy in the Witless Protection Program and he’s currently vacationing with my brother Jeb. This is a secret. DO NOT LEAK THIS INFORMATION. So, who’s in the casket? Dick Whittington died of lead poisoning yesterday.
Perfect timing.
I worked so hard to stack the Surpreme Court with flunkies, and still they fail to recognize my absolute power. I’m sick of this Geneva Conferance and Checks and Balance nonsense. I am the Decider and I’ve decided to send those five judges to Gitmo. I’ll find me some new one like Scalia, Scalia Lite (Alito) and old Hair-on-the-Coke-can(Thomas). Those three guys don’t get all tangled up in facts and stuff. They are always loyal to me and the corporations. God Bless them and our flag. Dubya
I’m happy that Turd Blossum didn’t get caught with his hand in the cookie jar on that Wilson/Plame thing. Love the guy, but, he assigns more homework than any of my teachers in college. I’m gonna ask Daddy to talk to him. Karl ordered Laura to read me the entire 74-page memo from the Pentagon to the press on “Promoting this and future wars”. Heck, I already knew all this stuff. I don’t need no refresher course.
I love the new GOP Election 2006 Talking Points: Stay the Course, Fight Them Over There, Or Fight Them Here and We Can’t Cut and Run.
Short and Sweet. We Americans don’t like to waste time reading stuff…like that stupid 74-page memo. Just tell the public that this war is good for us oilmen and Halliburton and Dick and I are gonna trickle down on them real soon. War is good business, and business is good for America. President George W. Bush (not my daddy)
Turd Blossum told me the GOP can win the elections in 2006 and 2008 (Like I care about that one) if we keep pushing “CUT AND RUN, CUT AND RUN, CUT AND RUN…So, here my here’s my contribution: I will allow all National Guardsmen in Iraq (I reckon 75,000 or so) to cut and run out on their last year of service like I did during Vietnam. I’ll ask my daddy to “work it out with the Guard” like he did for me. I bet that will help my elites (my base) in the polls.
Our 6/6/6 Celebration was overshadowed by two bits of bad news.
First: My flunkies in Iraq killed my Boogeyman! Now, I’ll have to start all over and demonize some other two-bit thug. What were they thinking? Second: The four groups of my BASE are split on this stupid immigration thing. 1) SOCCER MOMS and 2) RACISTS hate and fear illegals and want them deported (or, better yet, shot), while my 3) CORPORATE SPONSERS and 4) CHRISTIAN FUNDALMENTALISTS (especially Catholics) want indentured slaves and more dollars in the collection plate. To win in Nov my guys need to spread hatred and fear, but at the same time, bilk millions out of the 34,000 corporate lobbyists in DC. What should I do? I can’t decide.
5/30 Tuff Week…Turd Blossum ordered me to admit I made some mistakes! I told him, “Rovie, my base won’t like this…when a kid questions his father’s authority in an elite mansion, he gets cut out of the will…in a redneck trailer, he gets a smack up ‘side the head…in a fundamentalist home, question the Father and you’ll go to hell! Blind faith in the father is the glue that holds my folks together. The father is always right because he is the decider.”
But, Karl’s the White House Father so I threw the press some crumbs: “MAYBE ‘Bring ‘em on’ and ‘Wanted Dead or Alive’ was too much swagger and MAYBE torture is bad for our image.”
So…Three of Alberto’s grandparents were illegals. This is a good example of why we need a guest worker program. If immigration enforcement had been better 50 years ago Al’s family would have been deported, and today I would have no one to help me fix our lame constitution thingie. That damn piece of paper stiffles big business and the one true religion and Jesus told me to update this mess created by Jefferson, Washington and all those other liberal nutjobs.
President George W. Bush (not my daddy)
PS: Who is Kurt Cobain and why did he will me the voices in his head? Will this interfer with my Hotline to Jesus? W
5-9: I don’t read newspapers…Karl briefs me each morning (boring!)…but, I love Fox News.
Some of you say that America has outsourced the truth to an Aussie who spins it into White House Talking Points. I look at it this way:
Fox News is better than the truth and that makes folks happy.
I am never wrong on Fox and viewers feel safe from terrorists and cloned human/animal hybrids.
Tony is the perfect man to catapult my propaganda!
I also love being Born Again, because Jesus talks to me. He told me to nuke Iran. He told me to hire Tony Snow and Karl said okay.
But now, Christ tells me to replace Cheney with Rush Limbaugh, Rummy with Bill O’Reilly and Rice with Ann Coulter (is Ann a gal?). I’ll run this by the boss tomorrow…Rovie has to okay all SON of GOD recommendations. W
5-10: Karl said nix to Coulter, Rush and, especially O’Reilly…their ratings are in the port-a-potty!
Too bad…Limbaugh and I could of had a good old time, clearing brush (heh,heh,heh) and expanding our minds on my ranch. President George W. Bush (not my daddy)
4-25: Still can’t find your bloggie thing but have some more propaganda to catapult:
India wants a little demo before they buy my nuclear fuel and Karl said I could drop a nuke on Iran. So, hold on to your ten-gallon hats, Nevada, cause we’re headed your way on June 2 for a little test.
After that, we nuke Iran just before Nov election to scare soccer moms on their way to the polls, we hold onto Congress, I sell a billion dollars of fuel to India and we bring back the draft right after the election. (Don’t print that draft thing- it’s classified!)
It’s hard work. Everybody’s working hard. W
4-5: Sold nuclear fuel and technology to India and Daddy says this deal makes me a member of the Carlyle Group. I knew Pakistan (arch enemy of them Hindu commies) would raise a holler…and, I offered this deal: Give me Bin Laden just before the November elections and I’ll cut you in on the action.
How’s that for thinking up stuff? Can’t trust them DeBolt results no more and I gotta keep my loyalists in Congress or else my butt might get impeached! Compassionately, President Bush (not my Daddy)
3-10: I was searching for a bloggie thing to catapult the propaganda for my new think tank when I ran across your name. Constructive Anarchy? You must be an insider and probably a Skull and Crossbones alum, so I choose you to honor with my wisdom.
I remember the story my daddy used to tell me about constructive anarchists:
In the early 1970s millions of misguided Americans took to the streets and caused a crisis of democracy. Those filthy liberals ran poor Mr. Nixon out of town on a rail.
Mr. Kissinger called a meeting of the inner circle and declared, “Ve must distance ourselves from Dick’s disaster. Ve aren’t Republicans or Conservatives anymore…Now, ve are…”
Yes?
…Der New and improved Conservatives…or better yet, Neo-Conservatives.
Applause.
And, ve need a new long-term goal: “Oil is too important to be in the hands of der Arabs!”
Here, here! But, how can we take what God wants us to have?
A Civil War. Ve must get all of der sects in the Middle East fighting among themselves so ve can sneak in and take vot is rightfully ours.
“Then, let’s call ourselves constructive anarchists!” declared my daddy.
Wrong, you idiot! Ve can’t let the public know our plans. From now on, Ve will call ourselves compassionate conservatives.
You at constructiveanarchy.com already knew this tale, but I love telling it again because Mr. Kissenger talked so funny. I don’t know why my daddy liked this story because that kraut call him an idiot. Never leak any of this to those millions of wing-nut moonbats on the internet.
“Wouldn’t be prudent,” as my daddy used to say.
I will deliver my first think tank ponderings to you in a couple of days. It’s hard work, thinking and stuff. Until then keep all this between brothers. I can’t remember the secret handskake. Can you?
President George W. Bush (not my Daddy).
Dear pResident Bust;
You’ve got it all wrong, Dude…a constructive anarchist never promotes violence or creates civil wars to steal oil. We are all about peace and social justice for the whole world, so knock off the Orwell Truthspeak. We both know that I am more likely to encounter a human animal hybrid than a compassionate conservative…the Patriot Act is an attempt to turn Americans into fearful sheep…nothing patriotic about it…your Clean Air Act is an environmental disaster…your base, the religious right, is neither.
“A rose is a rose is a rose”. Turd Blossum still calls a turd a rose…but now, two thirds of America have moved close enough to catch a wiff of your vile stench.
Peace and Love, Magic Sam
P.S. I know the secret handshake!
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Published by Greg at 11:59 PM on April 7, 2008