In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
COMMENTARY ARCHIVE
Powerful Teachers? by Will Olliff
God Save the Queen by John Cleese
Social Security Smoke Screen
Lay Off Those Swifties
Neoconmen Con-vention
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters and the suffix-ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up vocabulary).Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English.We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize.
You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults.If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand theBritish sense of humour.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. You will learn to make real chips.Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater. You will cease playing American football.There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese
A popular poster 35 years ago revealed a nervous, sweaty middle-aged man with beady eyes, a five o’clock shadow, receding hair line, a weird ski-slope nose and a cheap suit. The text read:”Would you buy a used car from this man?”. Years had passed since America elected Nixon based on his secret plan to end the war in Vietnam, but now we were in deeper than ever. This guy sold us a lemon (the French were the previous owner… no maintenance… several unreported accidents). The silent majority was angry. Even they began calling their president “Trickie Dickie”. After Watergate, Nixon wandered the White House halls in a drunken haze and pled his case to the portraits of past presidents. The verdict was guilty and Nixon resigned in shame.
Baby Boomers believed this to be an all-time low, but now Double talking Dubya is suggesting that Baby Boomers will crush the social security system (The oldest BB will turn 65 in 2011). Bush claims that he will fix the problem. Has his cartel ever fixed any social problem that favors the people over corporations? When salesmen start spinning, New Yorkers interrupt, “Don’t do me no favors. Just give me the bottom line.” Dubya finally had to admit that there would be no real problem until 2042.
2042?!!! I’m a Baby Boomer and I will be 94 in 2042. Our neutered mass-media press is afraid to do the math, but you can. The Baby Boom lasted from 1946 (exactly nine months after our boys returned home from WWII) until 1964 (exactly nine months after the assassination of JFK—see Puzzling Evidence on this website). In 2042 the youngest Boomer will be 78 and the oldest will be 96 years old! Most of us will be dead… so, where’s the crisis, Dubya?
“Americans will live longer by then,” you say. Not Baby Boomers. We were the first boob-tube/couch potato generation (most families had a TV by the early 1950s) and the first fast food generation (McDonald’s, circa 1955), and so are on average an unhealthy twenty pounds heavier than the previous or next generation. We were the last group to think that smoking is cool in our formative years, the first free-love generation (the first birth-control pill hit the market in 1960), and thus, the first to be hit hard by AIDS. We believed the drugs were mind-expanding… 59,000 died in Vietnam, hundreds of thousands maimed for life, and/or exposed to Agent Orange. Perhaps a million or so vets wound up hopeless and homeless. It will be a miracle if any Baby Boomers are collecting social security in 2042! Magic Sam
Sure, they’re crazy (including Kerry)…who else would volunteer to ride on patrol on a noisy little boat up the same narrow river at the same time every day? I love these boys and spent a lot of time with them in the emergency room of the 29th Evac MASHospital in 1969-70. They were tough and as brave as any Green Beret or Airforce Ranger. They stuck together.
So, where did that viscious attack on their mate John Kerry come from during the 2004 election? Wouldn’t Chickenhawk Dubya be a more logical target for their ire?
George Sr. pulled a lot of strings to get his playboy fortunate son into the National Guard (at the time, a country club for spoiled rich kids), where Junior trained as a musket repairman, a saber sharpener and nuke pilot (banned in Vietnam). Even with this safe, cushy gig Dubya found a way to screw up. He refused to take a drug test (required of all pilots) and then disappeared. If I had followed his lead I would have been courtmartialed and charged with - desertion during wartime
So why did the Swifties attack Kerry? It’s all about the medals, Stupid. The Swift Boaters expected parades, glory, groupies and respect, and all they received were a few cheap medals. And then, their peer, John Kerry tossed his away at an antiwar rally. If the medals meant nothing then the Swifties have no proof of their year in hell in serice to America.
I have met thousands of my fellow VN vets in the last thirty-five years, and each falls into one of three catagories: 1) - Complete Denile- (i.e. the Swifties): “We won that war, damn it, and the world is a better place because of us,” 2) -The Disillusioned - : “After a month in country I began to recognize the hatred in the eyes of our allies. To them we were just another in a long line of occupiers in the last thousand years. We hated the British in 1975, and no people in history have ever loved an occupier,” and 3) - Realists -, like me, who want to know the truth… as ugly as it may be. We have learned that Vietnam was an Empire war based on lies (The Domino Theory and a phantom Tonkin Bay attack in Nam… Weapons of Mass Destruction and - Saddam helped plan 91 -_ in Iraq.)
Americans still don’t get it… the goal of an Empire War is to occupy for as long as possible (ask the Romans, Hitler, the English, French, Spanish, etc.), not to win. But, Americans are unique… we like to win with shock and awe. We don’t understand Empires and occupation… and neither do the Swift Boat guys.
The Swifties were brave, willing to sacrifice all for the American Dream. To this day them good ole red state boys treat the words of LBJ, Trickie Dickie and Double-talking Dubya as gospel. Theirs was a divine calling… to liberate the South Vietnamese from the godless commies. In their minds America won that war (in fact, most Swifties would rather die than concede that the South lost in our own Civil War). If they are wrong, their lives were wasted. To win an argument with a Swiftie is to kill him. Respect their good intentions and their bravery. Honor them… pity them. Help me stop the next Empire War (Iran?) and the next group of Swifties.
In an all-out push to solidify their base, Republicans dropped Dick Cheney (less than 20% approval rating) from the ticket and nominated God (140% positive rating in the latest Fox News poll). The Lord Almighty politely declined.
Dubya turned bright red. “I am your Commander-in-Chief in this Holy War. I am calling you to duty. It’s time to choose… are you with me or the evil terrorists?” In an all-out push to solidify their base, Republicans dropped Dick Cheney (less than 20% approval rating) from the ticket and nominated God (140% positive rating in the latest Fox News poll. The Lord Almighty politely declined.
Dubya turned bright red. “I am your Commander-in-Chief in this Holy War. I am calling you to duty. It’s time to choose… are you with me or the evil terrorists?”
“I serve no man, but all are my children. The last Crusade of Stupid White Men into the Middle East lasted for 300 years, killed millions and accomplished nothing.”
“300 years? That’s great,” smiled Dubya. “Wartime presidents are always reelected.”
“I wasn’t born in America, so I can’t join your ticket.”
“No problemo, Divine Dude. Ashcroft kicked that law to the curb as Arnold’s speaking fee.”
“Let me speak slowly and bluntly, Dubya. I will never endorse your quest for Empire, so stop using my name in vain to justify your despicible crimes or I’ll turn you into another burning Bush.”
Now, them there words rubbed Dubya the wrong way. “You ungrateful punk of a Supreme being. I gave up nose candy, white lightning and loco weed for you. I married a born-again librarian, for christsakes!
“Watch it, Blasphemer!”
But, George refused to back down: “You can’t come into my house and dis the president of the United States like Michael Moore. I don’t need you or the UN. You want to play rough, Big Boy? Well, bring it on.”
And the Lord sent waves of hurricanes to punish evil King Jeb in the Land of Chads. Lowly peasants heard the thunder: “Elect that idiot of a brother again and frogs will rain upon thy heads!”
Within hours the Swift Boat Veterans aired a spot accusing God of being a terrorist. The GOP denied all responibility, but Dubya refused to condemn the ad.
Magic Sam_
Sept. 28- LA Times
I am baffled by the media’s habit of referring to teacher unions as powerful. As a member of United Teachers-Los Angeles for 18 years, I don’t think it is powerful in the least. The last significant raise was in 1989, and that was taken away the next year. Since then, we have had our benefits eroded. More important, our ability to teach has been limited by interference from Washington, Sacramento and downtown “experts” who believe that scripted programs will solve socioeconomic issues. There is no check on bloated and inept administration. We are constantly under threat from the governor, with three anti-teacher initiatives on the ballot this year alone. How is it that we are powerful? I feel vulnerable.
Will Olliff
Culver City
Get out and vote in CA on Nov 8. Stop Arnold…NIX THE FIRST SIX!
Remember, Kids, the Terminator is just a mindless robot which can be programmed by the forces of good (like in the first three movies) or by the Dark Side (neocons). Easy to see which team he’s playing for now as Arnold attacks teachers, police, nurses and firemen in CA…making them feel vulnerable. These great public servants (the backbone of our society) are overworked and underpaid and deserve better.We must pull the plug on this evil android! Vote NO on all of his vanity state measures (Nix the First Six!). Crush him at the polls into a harmless little ball of scrap metal. Magic Sam
Published by Greg at 08:50 AM on March 1, 2005
Comments
Don’t get me wrong — I’m anti-war. I think war is a horrible thing. But I also believe there are times when its necessary to fight for your best interests.
I don’t believe in starting fights, but I don’t believe in running away from them either. They should be avoided, they should be criticized, but sometimes, I do think there’s no better alternative.
I believe Jesus was a liberal. But I don’t think he would agree with all liberal policies of 2005. I don’t think he’d agree with all republican policies of 2005, either. I believe the next truly great politician will be one that can capitalize on the similarities of the parties and bring unity to a dangerous schism.
Posted by: Andrew K on July 13, 2005 10:29 PM
Dear Andrew;
The middle-of-the-road has been a safe place to stand for the the last last thirty years, but now Karl Rove and Dick Cheney are driving Satan’s bus powered by a bunch of wacky religious fanatics. There is no compromise with these people. If you are standing in their way they will run you down. Real Americans brought down Nixon in the seventies and Tailgunner Joe in the fifties. You may be too young to remember, but you could read Howard Zinn’s Peoples’ History or Puzzling Evidence on this very site. (It won’t hurt, I promise you). If Americans in 1776 had your middle-of-the-road attitude we would still be a colony of England. Come to the light…we need you on our side. Magic Sam
Posted by: Magic Sam on July 23, 2005 11:27 PM