Rejoice!
01/20/09…and thank George W. Bush for his service to America. That’s right, I said thank Bush!Every 25 years Americans need a swift kick in the butt to remind us why we are the greatest country in history. We get lazy…stop paying attention, and then some arrogant, ignorant, fear-mongering, ego-maniac little man (usually an alcoholic) seizes power.
In the early 1950s it was Joe McCarthy who was ranked #100 or least popular senator.
Desperate…Joe claimed, “There are commies everywhere! In our goverment, our schools, under your bed…Here is a list!” Joe had no list and never convicted one American commie. But, he was able to place hundreds of American artists on a suspected blacklist…thus, destroying their careers. After 15 minutes of fame (backed by VP Nixon) Joe became a joke and drank himself to death at age 49.
Archive link to Nixon and Tailgunner Joe in the 50s
…but, wannabe Ann Coulter still worships her hero:
.And then there was Nixon: “If the President does it, it’s not illegal!” Yeah, good luck with that.
Many of the White House staff report that Nixon spent the last couple of days in the White House staggering down the main hall talking to the portraits of ex-presidents with a bottle in his hand.
Is there any doubt in your mind that Dubya isn’t doing exactly the same right now?
God Bless Joe and Ann and Trickie Dickie and Dubya.
They forced us to reject nonsense and renew our love of America!
.Just look at the faces of the kids…“Dear Lord, please sent us a real Commander-In-Chief!”
Looking for a nonlethal religion? Try one of these:
Ed Grothus, aka: Don Eduardo de Los Alamos, pastor of the First Church of High Technology at Los Alamos delivers a Critical Mass each Sunday.
The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
America’s Best Christian, Betty Bowers
Heaven’s Army: Soldiers of God
(Left) This modern stained glass window (1997) in an American Catholic Church…(Right) was based on an oil…painted hundreds of years ago… when it was cool to slaughter whoever wasn’t down with Jesus. Note: at left the Soldier of God is slaying a mythical monster (still cool today). At Right the Soldier of God is slaying a man (when it was okay to commit genocide on heathen Native Americans in the USA).Today, politically correct, Stupid White Men (with the help of Fox News) must demonize people of color who stand in the way of Empire before killing (i.e. “Saddam had WMDs” and “Planned 9/11”…and now: “Iran wants to drops a nuke on us before Easter!”…in reality, Iran…20 years away from the bomb.)
Our president threatened Iran with a nuke and announced a simulated 700-ton bomb test on June 2nd.
Prominent US Physicists Send Letter to President Bush
WWIII or Bust: Implications of a US Attack on Iran by Heather Wokusch
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Art by Robbie Conal
Rapture Ready Index
Above 145: “Fasten your seat belts” (“Satanism is reported to be flourishing in Russia”).
Without Judas would there be Christmas and Easter?
Rev Greg
With every sermon I receive a flood of emails, “Are you really a reverend?”
Ah, yes…I paid $30 online and received my cyber certificate, and thus, I am just as legitimate as Falwell, Robertson, Haggart, Swaggart or Jim Bakker. THE DIFFERENCE: I am not a power-crazed, greedy screwhead and never beg for your welfare check. Click here to become an Ordained Minister for $30.
No, I don’t get a cut of the action.
Easter is near!
A time for rebirth…and new beginning.America hit bottom during the Bush Reign on Terrorism.
But, as the Lion King proclaimed, “Life moves in a Circle”, and there’s no place to go but up!
This idea is thousands of years old, but we will not confuse new readers with facts.
Dubya is gone…real Americans and real Christians will reclaim America.
Bush, Cheney, Condi, Andy Card, etc, etc, etc will return to the Oil Industry, Rummy to the Drug Biz, and Bill Frist to the HMO ripoff.A Democratic President / Congress MAY begin to regulate these greedy screwheads…
Jesus threw the money-lenders out of the temple…
Do Americans have the nerve to throw the lobbyists for the Oil Industry, War Profiteers, Drug Industry and Health Care vultures out of Washington, DC?
Real Americans and real Christians want our America and Jesus Back!
Falwell is dead! Hate-Riots and HypoChristians will fade from the spotlight and will not be heard from for decades.
My America does not torture/ waterboard…does not conduct Domestic Spying upon Grannies for Peace, the Quakers and Barack Obama…Does not invade weak third-world countries to steal their natural resources. My America does not hate gays, illegal immigrants, brown people with oil. We trust in Jesus when he said, “Blessed are the PEACEMAKERS, for they shall be known as the CHILDREN OF GOD”.I repeat…Jerry Falwell is dead.
Can we finally reclaim our Jesus? Christ put his life on the line as champion of the poor (“The Meek Shall Inheirt the Earth”), the sick and even a prostitute. Wannabe Christians, please cast your first stone…Email Rev GregThe Bible tells us that Jesus was brown…”Skin the color of dark honey” with kinky hair…”Nappy, like the fleece of sheep”. Roman occupiers called HIM a terrorist.
If the Second Coming happened in Bentonville, Arkansas (home of Walmart) today, would the local citizens rejoice, or demand that Jesus be deported?
To those of you who followed Jerry’s “Love of Power” mantra, rather than Christ’s “Power of Love” word for the last 30 years…Real Christians do not hate anyone.
We forgive you. Jesus demands that we forgive you. Come back to the fold. We love you…
The Age of American HypoChristians 1978-2008- will soon expire
.Those who call yourselves Christians, but have become drunk on Jerry Falwell’s Greed Creed: LOVE OF POWER while ignoring Jesus’s message of THE POWER OF LOVE for the past 30 years…
Welcome back to the flock! Jesus loves and forgives you.
Neocons (“New Conservatives”) were just using you anyway.
What did you receive in return for 30 years of loyal Republican servitude?
Did Neocons overturn Roe V. Wade? Of course not. Did they get prayer back in schools? NO.
Is Intelligent Design Taught in school? No. Can you burn witches or torture non-believers? No
Did they stop stem cell research? NO…Pass a national bill to ban gay marriage? NO.
30 years…and your only victory:
Walmart again says “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays”.
Do Neocons laugh at you behind closed doors? YOU BETYA.
You have been bamboozled. Dubya was the false Prophet of Profit.
Come back to the real Jesus…The champion of the poor, needy, lepers, aids victims, illegal immigrants, gays and even mormons!
Jesus loves all of God’s creatures.
But, Jesus threw the money-lenders out of the Temple. HE hates greed.
“Give onto Caesar only what is his” (Caesar’s image was on the money).
Jesus hates Empires (like the Romans of his time) that occupy harmless third world nations.
What part of “Blessed are the Peacemakers, for they are the CHILDREN OF GOD”
don’t you understand?
Follow the real word of Christ or stop calling yourselves Christians.
Rev Greg
A brand new coloring book sermon for Catholic Kids!
Link to the entire Catholic Coloring Book
According to the group “Bishop Accountability,” some 3,000 priests out of the 42,000 across the country have since been denounced, some of whom have been investigated and convicted.
Since the scandal broke, US Catholic authorities have paid out close to 2.8 billion dollars in damages, forcing many dioceses to sell off their assets. Catholic coloring book warns US kids of pedophile priests
RELATED: Cardinal Mahoney Will Not File Charges In Assult
Roger Mahony, 71, spoke of the July attack at a recent conference of priests and said it gave him a deeper understanding of the suffering endured by victims of the nationwide scandal.
The main message is that my wounds healed within a month, bruises and all, but the victims of child abuse are still suffering after many years, and their wounds are far deeper than what I experienced.
Well, duh…
Enough with your emails! Yes, Greg is a real reverend.
We can provide documentation that he paid his $30 on the internet and thus, is just as qualified and legitimate as Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Ted Haggart and Jim Bakker.
Click here to start your own religion for $30
…The requirements to become a fry cook at McD are much tougher.
Please email Rev Greg.
Guest Sermonizer Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
Church of the flying Spaghetti Monster
Open Letter To Kansas School Board
I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.
Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.
It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I’m sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.
Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.
I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.
You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.
Rev Billy
Jesus Wants You To Stop the Shopocalypse
Thinning the herd
Above: Bishop John-David Schofield and his great, great, great, great, great grandson Bishop Jabba.
EDITOR: Ah, yes, Brother Schofield…Please split from the church and align yourself with your brethern in South Africa. In fact, take your flock to Jonestown.
Get out of my state, get out of my country.
I attended the Episcopal Church as a child…I may return if you leave.
30,000,000 Born Again Americans hung on Haggard’s every word
Who is Ted Haggart?
Link to article in Colorado Springs Gazette
Judge Rules Against Pa. Biology Curriculum
By MARTHA RAFFAELE, Associated Press Writer
12-20: HARRISBURG, Pa. - In one of the biggest courtroom clashes between faith and evolution since the 1925 Scopes Monkey Trial, a federal judge barred a Pennsylvania public school district Tuesday from teaching “intelligent design” in biology class, saying the concept is creationism in disguise.
U.S. District Judge John E. Jones delivered a stinging attack on the Dover Area School Board, saying its first-in-the-nation decision in October 2004 to insert intelligent design into the science curriculum violated the constitutional separation of church and state.
The ruling was a major setback to the intelligent design movement, which is also waging battles in Georgia and Kansas. Intelligent design holds that living organisms are so complex that they must have been created by some kind of higher force.
Jones decried the “breathtaking inanity” of the Dover policy and accused several board members of lying to conceal their true motive, which he said was to promote religion.
A six-week trial over the issue yielded “overwhelming evidence” establishing that intelligent design “is a religious view, a mere re-labeling of creationism, and not a scientific theory,” said Jones, a Republican and a churchgoer appointed to the federal bench three years ago.
President Bush also weighed in on the issue of intelligent design recently, saying schools should present the concept when teaching about the origins of life.
In his ruling, Jones said that while intelligent design, or ID, arguments “may be true, a proposition on which the court takes no position, ID is not science.” Among other things, the judge said intelligent design “violates the centuries-old ground rules of science by invoking and permitting supernatural causation”; it relies on “flawed and illogical” arguments; and its attacks on evolution “have been refuted by the scientific community.”
The judge also said: “It is ironic that several of these individuals, who so staunchly and proudly touted their religious convictions in public, would time and again lie to cover their tracks and disguise the real purpose behind the ID Policy.”
Intelligent Design? Some of us have evolved more than others.
My childhood friend has been shanghied by rapture-ready HypoChristians. I should have seen it coming… my buddy has a common Mexican name and looks like an Arab. He was unable to produce proper ID for Homeland Security and was gagged, blindfolded, shackled, and thrown into a cage at Guantanamo. During TV Sweeps Week Neoconmen replaced my friend Jesus with their new Anti-Son… the Prophet of Profit.
“The old switchola worked well on Bewitched”, noted Karl Rove. “Americans didn’t even notice when the network swapped out Dick York for Dick Sergeant.”
“You can’t fool all of the people all of the time,” objected Colin Powell, recalling his heroic, yet futile attempt to cover up the My Lai massacre in Vietnam.
“We only need to fool 41% in the 2004 election,” declared Karl. “My no-paper-trail voting machines will finish the job.”
And Rove did sayth, “Let there be Jesus Light,” and there was. Turd Blossum (Dubya’s nickname for his great friend) was awed and pleased by his creation: the new, improved FrankenChrist - HATES - science, evolution, facts, free speech, the Constitution, the Bill of Rights (and conservative judges who defend the separation of church and state), and, of course, ragheads, wetbacks, fags, commie liberals, and terrorist religion (80% of the world).
In his defense it should be noted that Karl did extend an invitation to the original Jesus to join the Bush team… “After all, the Guy has more fans than Britney Spears and Madonna (the new, improved version) combined.” Turd Blossum offered Haliburton stock and an obscene amount of dead presidents (dollars).
“A rich man can no more enter heaven than a camel can pass through the eye of a needle.”, said Jesus.
“I’m talking tax free,” countered Karl.
“Give unto Caesar (or Cheney) what is Caesar’s, but never bow to an idiot who claims to be a spokeman of God.”
Bush’s Brain approached meltdown. “This guy is talking about the separation of church and state. That’s treason!” The pitbully tried again, “Okay, this is my final offer… your own cable TV station. Millions of Americans will watch you preach every day, and all I ask in return is…”
“A little respect?” chuckled the J-man. “Satan once took me to the highest mountain and offered all that I could see, Caesar’s Empire and more, in exchange for my obedience and respect. My response to him and you is ‘Begone to hell, oh evil power-tripping screwhead.’”
“No, no, no,” moaned Karl, “That old wimpy Jesus whining about love, compassion and understanding will never do! Let’s go with my Plan B-Christ.”
“Okey-dokey, Turd Blossum,” obeyed the president, “You know best.”
The new holy GOP spokesman is a blonde, blue-eyed WASP. He doth preach: “Let us worship the Freudian might-makes-right of Hummers, SUVs, NASCAR, Pro Wrestling, and assult weapons. Shock and Awe. Bring ‘em on!”
Millions of Rapture-ready Americans pray for the physical return of the Good Shepard who will lead them to heaven as He destroys this evil, liberal world. Would the faithful in the red states even recognize Him? The Good Book describes Christ with skin the color of honey (dark) and with hair such as the fleece of sheep (African). He is a man of color with long, kinky hair… born a Jew who never spoke a word of English during his time on earth. He drove money lenders from the temple while suffering from the delusion that big business has no place in religion. Jesus was an unemployed transient, depending on the kindness of strangers. He hung out with twelve other hobos, prostitutes, lepers and the lowest outcasts of society.
But now, the truth can finally be told: the Second Coming has already occurred. There was no coverage on Fox News and the world did not end. Instead, on November 1, 2004, Jesus popped up just outside the corporate headquarters of Walmart near Bentonville, Arkansas. He was immediately detained, inspected, disected, rejected and ordered to, “Move on, hippie freak.”
The J-man then called and asked me to drive Him to Ohio. Seemed like a bad idea, but what the hell… He is Christ: how could I turn Him down? We arrived on election morn, and Jesus urged a small group of followers to vote against Dubya. “What about the separation of church and state?” I asked. “Sometimes you have to fight turd blossums with turd blossums.” Jesus then led the faithful to the polls. He tried to vote, but was challenged by angry neocons: “You are an illegal alien of color with no permanent address. You just delivered an inflammatory speech that was unpatriotic, antiwar, and anti-big business. Call Homeland Security… this man is a liberal!”
I was one of many who witnessed the brutal arrest… Jesus, in handcuffs, slipped me the list of Christians who will ascend into heaven after the Apocalypse… Sorry, but not one arrogant, hateful, racist WASP made the cut. Blessed are the peacemakers, Dude. If you can’t, understand there is a spot in hell reserved for you and yours.
My old friend has been classified as a terrorist… a threat to national security. If Jesus ever receives a fair trial He will plead guilty to the liberal charge. JESUS IS A LIBERAL. Repeat: the real Christ is, was and will always be a liberal. Real Christians and Conservative Republicans used to honor Him as such.
Do you honor the real Son or Karl Rove’s Anti-Son? Help me rescue Jesus from screwhead Neoconmen and their toady HypoChristians and Hateriots. Peace, Magic Sam.
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Published by Greg at 01:00 AM on January 16, 2002