Constructive Anarchy: The Blog

China Hires American Think Tank to Clean Up the Internet

GORO (the firm of Alberto GOnzales and Karl ROve) is on board to help China clean up their messy Freedom of Speech problem. The Chinese government started a new program to control the flow of information available to and generated by the Chinese public on 9/1/07. A cartoon policeman now appears on Chinese computer screens every 30 minutes.
Not only can users click the cartoon characters to report improper use of the electronic media but their appearance is also a reminder to all users that they are being watched. “It is our duty to wipe out information that does public harm and disrupts social order,” the bureau’s deputy chief of Internet surveillance, Zhao Hongzhi, was quoted as saying. Obviously, the desired effect will be suppression of free speech through self-censorship. According to the BBC, the Chinese government has tens of thousands of real security officers monitoring the web and it regularly jails activists who have posted online messages criticizing the government.
KARL ROVE: “Al and I are so happy to be working for REAL world leaders. We tried to get this program rolling in the USA…but, no dice…Congress wimped out! China is way cool…they understand the benefits of BIG BROTHER!”

Fox Network Chokes To Death During Patriotic Binge

NEW ORLEANS (OMS) — The Fox Network was found dead in its temporary living quarters here, the victim of an apparent overdose of knee-jerk patriotism.
According to police spokesman John “Little Johnny” Drapeau, police discovered the bloated corpse after Fox missed its appointment with television show Futurama. “He had dis big ole American flag stuck halfway down his throat, see?” said Drapeau. “We found all kinds of patriotic paraphernalia in his suite: flags, bunting, commercials, you name it. I love mah country—me and the missus take the kids out for some patriotism all the time—but dis… dis was the sign of someone who musta been real confused about his patriotic identity. Like he was nervous ‘bout feelin’ proud or sometin’.”
Drapeau refused comment on reports that the network had been masturbating over highly-polished combat boots and pictures of fully-armed, camouflaged soldiers at the time of its death. He also refused to speculate on reports that the word “Kandahar” had been written in eyeblack all over the suite. Military fetishism is often linked to patriotic overdose, he said, “but de Big Easy po-lice ain’t finished our investigation yet.”
Drapeau also said that the body showed signs of a continuous binge that had been going on since “the end of September, as far as we can tell. We found videos of the World Series that had pictures of flags and fighter jets everywhere. We also found pictures of soldiers and militaristic themes splattered all over the Super Bowl. Sad, really. He could have paid honest tribute to our military and left it at that, but sometimes… sometimes folks jus’ get carried away.”

Vice President Hacked!

PASADENA, California (OMS) — A red-faced Microsoft Corp. scrambled to avoid looking more stupid than usual after Vice President Dick Cheney was hacked by a group of students from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. The MIT students were engaging in the traditional senior prank, which this year included a jibe at rival repository of super-egghead smartypants the California Institute of Technology, located just outside Los Angeles.
The intrusion was not detected until today, when Cheney appeared at the Caltech commencement ceremony for the smarter-than-Brainiac student body. Witnesses said that Cheney gave a narcolepsy-inducing speech that was roundly ignored by the propeller-beanied crowd, who preferred to play with their remote-controlled gyroscopic yo-yos and palm-sized, homebuilt supercomputers.
As Cheney launched into the third hour of his concluding remarks, he suddenly hiccuped three or four times and shouted, “Watch me! I’ve got soul, and I’m super bad!” Witnesses said Cheney then yelled “Caltech drools! MIT rules!” before performing a perfect Michael Jackson-esque moonwalk across the dais and launching into a rousing version of “Papa’s Got A Brand New Bag”. Alarmed staffers actually began to dance before realizing that the empathy-free Cheney was born with neither soul nor rhythm, and furthermore was unaware of the existence of such a thing as “thrilling the crowd”. Embarrassed technicians immediately rebooted the Vice President before he could perform the crowd-pleaser “Please Please Please”. After his restart, Cheney reverted to the stiff, animatronic style which reminds people uncomfortably of Disneyland’s Country Bear Jamboree. The Vice President was then hustled out of sight to one of Caltech’s Ultra-Top-Secret GroovyStuff�„� labs, where computer scientists discovered the exploit.
“It’s a marvelous piece of work,” said Professor Elvis Slobinsky. Doctor Slobinsky holds the Albert Einstein’s A Nitwit Compared To Us Computer Laboratory chair here at Caltech and won this year’s highly coveted Acme Golden Screwdriver award for his invention of the programmable automated Pez dispenser. “It’s actually pretty cool, even if they are from MIT. Apparently, they discovered an unused, little known portion of Cheney’s operating system, the conscience, and leveraged the rest of the OS from there. Since the conscience possesses command override functions, they could make Cheney do pretty much whatever they wanted: sing, dance, laugh without causing stock market panics…anything. I’ve got to hand it to those guys.” Slobinsky said that Microsoft had previously uploaded several patches into Cheney, but had somehow neglected to remove access to his conscience. Microsoft spokesperson Buffy St. Claire said the software giant was “stunned” at the hack. “We didn’t even know we’d put a conscience in there,” she said at a press conference from Bill Gates’ Hall of Doom. ” That wasn’t in the specs. I mean come on, he’s a politician, you know?”
When contacted by reporters, the mega-IQed MIT students said their point had been made and there would be no more intrusions. “We only did this to, like, score with chicks and stuff,” said Lex Luthorian MIT senior class president and Uber-Geek Black Beanie Brigade leader Maynard Framistat as his far-larger-than-normal brain slowly pulsed in time with his heartbeat. “Well, okay, and because it was fun. But we got a big scare: we got a call from Lynne Cheney asking if we could install a penis. We had to tell her ‘No way’. Sorry, ma’am, but there are things even budding Evil Criminal Super-Geniuses won’t do.”

Cheney Goes On Rampage, Destroys Capitol

WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (OMS) — A rampaging President Dick Cheney went on a wild spree today and was subsequently killed in a firefight with the military that destroyed the Capitol Building here. Sources say Cheney had been acting increasingly harsh since declaring himself above excutive branch oversight…crowning himself with a 24-karat gold laurel cluster, butting into head of the line at Starbucks and demanding that Democrats in Congress turn their wives and daughters over to him as “spoils of war”.
Female Democratic representatives were to be “farmed out” to Republican donors as party favors. According to these sources, the arrogant, reptilian Cheney also demanded that Democratic Senate and House leaders be decapitated and their heads mounted on a pike outside Cheney’s offices at the Naval Observatory.
Witnesses were amazed. “I was amazed,” said a bewildered Maryland National Guard Gen. Elvis Slobinsky. “We knew Dick was a complete asshole, but this? Wow.” Slobinsky’s comments came at the traditional post-battle press conference. Smoke from burning marijuana plants filled the air as the Capitol’s secret pot stash was engulfed in an inferno.
Slobinsky led reporters on a brief tour of the battle area. Cheney was at Congress’ morning session, urging representatives to pass a resolution adding Ubergruppenfuhrer to his title, when “he just went berserk,” according to Congressional page David Kingsolver. “I was in Dick Armey’s chambers getting buttf—uh, a consultation, when we heard a tremendous crash,” said a shaken Kingsolver. The closed-circuit TV showed Cheney tossing people around like confetti. I buttoned up my pants—uh, briefcase—and ran out into the hallway just in time to see Cheney pick up these huge statues and crush them like rice paper.
“I dove back under Armey—uh, an armoire—and I heard Cheney yell, ‘Apres moi, le deluge!’ and ‘L’etat, c’est moi!’ Then there was this noise like thunder. Cheney had brought an entire wing of the Capitol Building.”
Police were completely outclassed by Cheney’s Presidential armament. “Our bullets just bounced off him,” said Slobinsky. “He even withstood anti-tank rounds. He took a Hellfire missile up the ass and didn’t even blink. He just stood atop the Capitol dome screaming ‘Master of my domain! Master of my domain!’ Then he used his telepathic link to his heart-lung machine to really wipe out our troops with that damn gamma-ray laser of his. And his chest-mounted rockets were just devastating. Whoever built his animatronics really knew what they were doing,” he said admiringly.
The National Guard finally brought out their top-secret weapon to stop the seemingly invincible Cheney. “We showed him nude pictures of Janet Reno and Barbra Bush,” said an ashen Slobinsky. “We didn’t want to do it, but it was the only way. We hacked into his command centers and streamed the photos at him until he collapsed. It didn’t take long.”
“Apparently, Cheney’s animatronics malfunctioned,” Slobinsky said. “The circuits responsible for keeping his brain alive somehow became corrupted and he began thinking he deserved power by divine right. You know how people sometimes think they’re Napoleon? He thought he was Richard III. Fortunately, we caught him before he drowned John McCain in a vat of malmsey.”
Official White House surgeon Buffy St. Claire agreed with Gen. Slobinsky’s assessment. “The nutrient bath in the jar housing Dick’s brain has been tainted with crack cocaine and PCP. It appears that this has been happening for quite some time…CAT scans of his brain show enormous damage in the What The Fuck area, as well as the You’ve Got To Be Kidding ganglia and the Why The Fuck Not lobe. The area of his brain responsible for empathy and compassion was completely scarred over, but we think that injury happened at birth.”
St. Claire refused comment on rumors that House Speaker Dennis Hastert and Cheney’s wife Lynne were seen in Cheney’s cryogenic lab early this morning.

Bush Administration Announces New Economic Stimulus Plan——————- Do whatever the hell you want. Just give us money.

WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (OMS) — The Bush Administration today announced new federal rules which they say are designed to keep manufacturing businesses in America and stop the overseas flight of thousands of jobs.
Health and Human Services Secretary Mike Leavitt issued the new rules today. “We have long striven for less complicated federal regulation of business, and these new rules will grease the wheels for the mighty engine that is the American economy,” Leavitt told cheering throngs of executives at this week’s My Private Jet’s Bigger Than Yours Conference on Fleecing Your Serfs And Who Cares About The Little People Anyway. “Finally, we have what you want.”
The new guidelines replace the current U.S. Labor Code, which is thousands of pages long, with two sentences: “Do whatever the hell you want. Just give us money.”
“For far too long, business has suffered under the yoke of oppressive rules such as ‘workplace safety’ and ‘environmental responsibility’,” Levitt said as he received the oral ministrations of orc concubines Bill O’Reilly and Peggy Noonan. “No more do you have to concern yourselves with those pesky child labor laws or rules concerning air quality. Just do whatever the hell you want. Workman’s compensation? Gone. Mine safety regulations? Toast. Dioxin dumping? Go right ahead, as long as you do it where the poor people live. Logging of thousand-year-old redwoods? Noise pollution? Arsenic in the drinking water? Overtime? We don’t care…as long as you keep our campaign coffers stuffed with your generous donations lifted from those outdated and ridiculous employee benefits plans that we just outlawed!”
Levitt said that the Bush Administration “isn’t done yet. We’ve got a little campaign finance reform for you, too, if you’ll just pass us a few bucks. Oh, and those tiresome reporters constantly hounding you over the huge spikes in rare cancers near your production facilities, or pestering you about the nine-year-olds working in your iron foundry? Thanks to the USA Modern-Day Inquisition And Patriotic Flag-Waving Smokescreen While We Pick Your Pockets Act, we’ll just have them declared ‘disloyal’ and ‘enemy combatants’ and poof! They’re gone. No trial. Indefinite detainment. In fact, we’ll just make them slave labor in the spiffy new sweatshops that we’ll pay you to build. What’s not to like?”
George W. Bush led his own cheerleading session. “This new economic stimulus plan will get America working again,” he said before stunned members of G7, who hung their heads at having to share the room with him and wondered how the hell it ever came to this, “and will get Americans working again without the albatrosses of ‘oversight’ and ‘ethics’ hanging around their necks. Why, just this morning, more than 5000 anti-war protesters have been rounded up and are set to begin construction of the Ronald Reagan Gulag For Independent Thinkers And Other Traitorous Bastards, which they will occupy immediately upon completion. It’s morning again in America!”
Reaction from Congressional Democrats was swift and unanimous. “Please don’t hurt us,” begged a prostrate Richard Gephardt (D-Ickless).

Surgeons Announce Research Breakthrough

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (OMS) — Researchers announced today that they have completed work on a stunning new procedure that, if successful, will allow doctors for the first time to
surgically implant spines in Congressional Democrats.
This week they failed to pass Webb’s bill to SUPPORT OUR TROOPS with proper rest and they wimped out with an assult on FREEDOM OF SPEECH against a MoveOn ad…But help is on the way.
Dr. Elvis Slobinsky, leader of the research effort, said that the breakthrough culminates years of work. He said the advent of high-speed computing networks and processor-intensive large-scale modeling helped cut research time from decades to less than three years. Dr. Slobinsky, who holds the Really Impressive-Sounding Chair Funded By Some Obscure Donor Who Bought Us This Nice New Building If We Graduated His Son Who Didn’t Really Care About The Family Business But Just Wanted To Chase Girls And Get Drunk And Wasn’t That Just Like The Boy To Break His Mother’s Heart And Disappoint His Dad at Washington University Medical School in St. Louis, spoke at a press conference here early this morning.
“We’re proud to announce that the first subject, Rep. Nancy Pelosi has completed her therapy with spectacular success,” said a beaming Dr. Slobinsky. “We implanted some stem cells in Nancy’s back and guided their growth with economic theories that actually work, mixed with a bath of compassion and common sense. We knew we had succeeded when Rep. Pelosi gave George the Dumber the finger right after the 2006 election.”
Slobinsky said that he had been involved in stem-cell research for some time, but it had been “mostly theoretical up to now”. He said he got the idea from colleagues who kept complaining about the dickless wussiness of Democrats in Congress, who seemed eager to roll over and let the Republican Party have its way with them. Slobinsky said he was further spurred to action when the Boy King threatened to cut off stem cell research early last year, despite the promise the research holds in treating a host of illnesses such as Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s diseases. “We knew we had to act fast before the money ran out. So I was passin’ a doob with my pals Davey and Big Jim one night and Davey said, ”Wouldn’t it be somethin’ if we could give the Democrats some backbone?’ And I said, yeah, but we’d have to grow complete new ones for them. So Big Jim said, ‘Well, we do have a lab, ya know?’ And that started me thinking,’Yeah, [the Democrats are] a bunch of candy- ass submissives,” said Slobinsky, “but a beneficial side effect would be that they grow back the balls they had cut off when they were elected.”
Slobinksy also said the lab had regrown the spines of more than 200 Democratic politicians so far, with another 500 “ready to decant in a few weeks.” He said that the lab was planning to implant the backbones at an undisclosed location in the nation’s capital. Sources said Democratic genetic material was collected from saliva that the representatives allowed to drool from their lips as they sat up, fetched, rolled over and played dead on Republican command.
Response from the nation’s war-drunk Republican overlords was immediate and heated. EX-Presidential Puppeteer Karl Rove held a press conference wherein he blasted the group’s work as “evil”, “immoral” and “contrary to Our Wishes”. “Who the hell do they think they are?” he foamed as the front row of reporters succumbed to the poison contained in his spittle. “They work on what We say they work on. How can they think of creating a questioning, thinking being—uh, disloyal, unpatriotic left-winger at a time when the oil comp—uh, the Federal Government needs patriotic, right-thinking, right-leaning Americans? They will pay,” he continued as flames licked from his eye sockets, “oh, yes, they will pay, my preciousss.”

Hollywood Producer Really, Really Sorry

LOS ANGELES (OMS) — Jerry Bruckheimer, producer of such skull-bustingly stupid fare as National Treasure and Armageddon, today apologized for his part in the relentless dumbing-down of American culture. Saying that his prodigious cocaine habit “in no way excused [his] actions”, Bruckheimer fell to his knees before a stunned crowd of call girls and Shriners and begged the forgiveness of the American public.
“Look, I got started with Don Simpson in the seventies, alright?” said a contrite Bruckheimer. “We were doing lines at Mortons one night after Flashdance came out and between that and the unbelievable girls Heidi Fleiss kept sending over, well, things got out of hand. I mean, who would have known that Top Gun and Beverly Hills Cop would have hypnotized so many people? I am so fucking sorry.”
Bruckheimer also apologized for making such big stars out of Tom Cruise and Martin Lawrence, saying that he “had no idea Tom was so good at blackma— convincing people to give him a shot. And Martin, well, the less said about him, the better.”
Bruckheimer claimed to have been “completely out of [his] mind and under the influence of Travolta’s mesmeric Scientology powers” when he produced a string of movies that, while successful, lowered the collective American IQ to single digits. These movies all had the same hallmarks: ear-splitting music, food-processor- speed editing, thuddingly bad dialogue and Tom Cruise or, later, Nicolas Cage in the lead role as some guy who has stuff happen to him and gets to have sex with anorexic, barely self-aware bimbos.
Bruckheimer said he knew he had a problem when “an Angel of the Lord” appeared to him and told him God was exceedingly wrathful about Gone in Sixty Seconds. Bruckheimer claimed that the angel appeared again after Pearl Harbor and yet again when Bruckheimer agreed to produce Bad Boys 2. The last visit was the most frightening, Bruckheimer said. “That last one, I thought ‘Holy shit’. The angel was so pissed I thought he was going to beat me to death with my gold-plated golf clubs. Instead, he said that God simply threw up His hands. When an angel says ‘What the fuck’, it gets you thinking, you know?” Claiming that he “can’t sleep anymore”, Bruckheimer said he will become a sewer worker in Fargo, North Dakota, and donate his money to “people with talent who need a break”. Applicants can go to the Web site Bruckheimer set up for that purpose, nomoresuckassmovies.com.

Cameron Stages Coup, Deposes Lucifer

PANDAEMONIUM (OMS) — Hell was wracked by
chaos after film director James Cameron staged a bloodless coup and dethroned Lucifer Morningstar early this morning. Cameron, who has long been called “More Satany Than Satan” and “Chock Full O’ Evil” by those who worked for him, was here to shoot Blinded by the Light, Lucifer’s bestselling autobiography. Cameron has long been a fan of the Goat-Horned One and has called Light “the chance of a lifetime”. Many insiders believe that Cameron has longed to rule in Hell ever since he was spawned there millennia ago. Cameron has made no secret of his fondness for the Lake of Fire and in fact bought a vast estate in Dis, a city on the edge of the Inferno, two years ago after his divorce from actress Linda Hamilton. Hamilton had no comment other than to note that it was eerily reminiscent of their marriage. “Looks like Jim finally got what he wanted,” she said in a prepared statement.
Cameron had repeatedly clashed with the erstwhile Prince of Darkness during filming. Lucifer demanded rush review rights, only to be rebuffed by the dictatorial Cameron, whose motto is “My Way Or My Way”. Cameron has also butted heads with Morningstar over the number of succubi to be bound to Cameron’s will, as laid out in the agreement the two signed. Cameron’s leather-winged attorneys say that the contract allows Cameron to claim “a substantial number” of the sex demonesses, to which Agrat-bat-mahlaht, Hell’s Chief Succubus and Demon of Seduction, replied, “Well, yeah, but not all of us.”
Sources say that Cameron got the idea to oust Beelzebub after scouting locations in Hell and talking to the Powers and Principalities of the outlying infernal regions. By offering starring roles in upcoming films, Cameron managed to secure enough backing to depose the Fallen One. Cameron then announced his arrogation of power via conference call. He said that all contracts signed with Hellcorp would be honored.
Calling his ascension to the Skull Throne “the setting of the accurséd sun and the beginning of the Long Twilight,” Cameron declared that the old ways have to give way to the new. To that end, the Usurper has brought along a new set of tools with which to torture the walking world. Sources say that Freddie Prinze Jr. and the cast of Friends, along with Tara Reid and the Olsen Twins, have been given vast new powers of torment, far outstripping their old deals with Morningstar’s Hellcorp Films division. Cameron’s first official act as Adversary Novus was to replace the traditional punishment for the traitorous. That punishment-having one’s bones broken, the body contorted into an impossible position and encased in a lake of ice-is reserved for the most evil of humans, and was one of Lucifer’s favorites. Cameron has changed this punishment to include eternal reruns of Full House and Adam Sandler’s entire film catalog. However, Cameron said he was “a big fan” of the red-hot ovens currently in use to torment the wrathful, as well as the feces-spewing curse reserved for those who bear false witness. Contrary to rumour, Cameron said he has no plans to screen Titanic. “At least, not until Celine and Leo die,” he said with a chuckle.
Cameron, who has taken the name “Surtr” after the Norse fire demon, has appointed Dumah, Commander of the Demons of Gehenna, as Grand Infernal Interlocutor and Secretary of State. Dumah will be Cameron’s second-in-command and will rule in Cameron’s absence.
For his part, Lucifer is surprisingly unruffled at the sudden overthrow. He has already signed a multi-picture deal with Disney Films and has opened a new film studio, Mefilmstopheles, headquartered at the new Hollywood and Highland complex in Los Angeles. “I wish Cameron the best of luck and bear him no ill will,” the former Beautiful Angel said by phone from the swimming pool on the roof of his office building. “That boy’s got potential.”

Bush Announces New Faith-Based Initiative

WASHINGTON, D.C. (OMS) — George W. Bush today announced the formation of the Inquisition of America, the latest and largest of his controversial faith-based initiatives. The announcement followed last week’s 6-3 Supreme Court decision, which allowed the formation of Young Intolerance militias in the nation’s high schools. In that decision, Speedy Gonzalas vs People With Common Sense, a sharply divided high court said in part, “Formation of these squads will hurt no one except those who refuse to step aside in deference to their betters, and in fact, will help force so-called ‘free thinkers’ to knuckle under.
“This new initiative is designed to upgrow the vaster enumerals of people who worship Poppy the Father, Me the Son and Cheney the Holy Spigot, so you un-Christian bastards better get your minds right,” mumbled Bush as members of the Justice Department ritually tortured the leaders of the ACLU, People for the American Way, and the Log Cabin Republicans. His remarks came during the annual States’ Rights Wink Wink Yeah That’s The Ticket Convention. Administration officials say ex-Attorney General Alberto Gonzo is expected to head up the scapegoating effort.
“We are confronted today with those who do not think, act, or look like us,” Bush told a cheering throng of people who haven’t had an orgasm since 1992, “and they must be made to conform. We cannot have independent thought or action in this great country of ours. We must enjoy the freedom to choose Nike or Reebok; the freedom to choose Tommy Hilfiger or FUBU; the freedom to choose Microsoft and Disney and McDonald’s—just like everybody else.
“That is why I have named the ex-Attorney General to head this new faith-based initiative. Speedy is the kind of loathsome, sanctimonious, rigid-minded—er, conservative leading light that this country needs in an era of uncertainty. He and his holy assistants Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell shall tell us what to watch, what to listen to, whom to worship. And we shall do it under pain of death…unless you’re a wealthy white Republican, in which case, nothing will change for you.”
Alberto, resplendent in his ceremonial robes decorated with Hieronymus Bosch’s paintings of The Last Judgment, wasted no time in exercising his new powers, ordering the Statue of Liberty melted down for “immodest womanly raiment” and issuing an arrest warrant for renowned Italian artist Michelangelo Buonarotti for “that disgusting statue of David. Why, you can see his pee-pee and everything! I should be the only one allowed to see that—uh, see it, uh, destroyed. And don’t think I meant anything else.”
When informed that Michelangelo lived during the Italian Renaissance and, in fact, died hundreds of years ago, Alberto was adamant. “That little is gonna get what he deserves! And I’m gonna give it to him! Over and over! Uh…rhetorically speaking, of course.”
Gonzalas also announced the appointment of sexless antiabortion wingnut Randall Terry to oversee the “proper application of women’s reproductive rights in a Christian, God-fearing manner, without worrying about godless ‘science’. In fact, women will not be allowed to worry their little heads about it because they won’t be educated any longer. We’ll just take that burden right off their dainty shoulders. And we’ll be using the latest behavioral science, along with surgically implanted blinders, to keep men’s minds out of the gutters in case they’re tempted by women—you know how girls are.”
“Of course, I and certain others will not be receiving the blinders and conditioning—somebody has to be able to pick up on the latest porn—uh, designer clothing trends. Maybe this year they’ll make garters that don’t bind.”

Bush Apologizes for Intelligent Comment

NEW YORK (OMS) — George W. Bush stunned the United Nations General Assembly today when he accidentally uttered an incisive, coherent remark.
Bush was well into his normal tortured syntax-which the world’s leaders comfortably ignore-when he said the intelligent sentence. According to witnesses, Bush said, “Ishkabibble numbnuts Cheney slapdash himiny-pop both Israel and Palestine must be willing to compromise, not because it serves our murky military-industrial purposes, but because history demands that we stand up and stop the generational cycle of violence and revenge woogah woogah dickhead Murtha flibbertigibbet.”
Aides later said Bush had wandered from his written text and accidentally thought for himself. “He’s so embarrassed,” said President Cheney from his deep underground Fortress of Solitude. “It was just one of those things. Certainly not anything he’ll repeat, I tell you that.” Cheney then chuckled audibly as he fondled a choke collar, which was in itself remarkable, as Cheney has never been known to chuckle. Cheney then muttered something about “higher strength Xanax for that asshole” to an aide.
Bush later apologized for his outburst. “In my estimable thirty-six ages of lift, I have needled entered subway lick thought. And boy, am I seriously dingleberried about it. I wish to reassure my fellow puppets that noogies are mine for vengeance.”
When asked about Bush’s outburst, United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan remarked,
“How much longer must the world endure this idiot?”
When informed that the next Presidential election is nine months away, Annan replied,
“Why couldn’t I have just stayed in Cairo, dammit? I need a drink!”

36 Straight Years of Bush/ Clinton?

An exclusive interview by Elvis Slobinsky with Hilary Clinton.

Bush and Clinton Corporations to Merge to Form American Royal Family!

ELVIS: A growing number of Americans are alarmed at your streak…We know that Kissinger and Bush Sr ran the country from 1981 to 1989, then Poppy became Pres for 4 yrs, then Bill for 8, then Boy George for 8 and now you are positioned to rule for 8 more.
A Bush or Clinton will have run America for 36 CONSECUTIVE YEARS!
Is that DEMOCRACY?
HILARY: Get hip, Elvis…60 is the new sexy 40 and Monarchy is the new Democracy.
ELVIS: Whaaaaaatt?
HILARY: Think about how our two families have improved America: No more presidental elections that drag on for years…No more smear campaigns, no more dirty money from fat cat lobbyists.
And, we’re looking beyond 2016.
…But, Bill and I and Dubya and Laura were unable to produce a son.
ELVIS: I don’t see a problem…I have two daughters…They’re great.
HILARY: How can the Clintons and Bushes merge into a single Royal Family with a maleless generation?
Elvis: Now I understand…You feel your kids must intermarry and produce America’s future Kings and Queens.
Hilary: Exactly…King Henry the 8th experienced this same problem. His first wife was barren and divorce was illegal in England, so he cut off her head. Henry was pleased and quickly ran through a few more mates until he achieved a result.
Elvis: I hope you’re not thinking of Bill…
Hilary: That wouldn’t be practical today. We will mold the clay on hand.
Elvis: Jenna Bush is engaged. That leaves Chelsea Clinton and…and the other Bush twin. I can’t remember her name…
Hilary: Nobody can.
Elvis: But, the girls would have produce an heir like Mary Cheney and Heather Poe, and there would have to be a GAY MARRIAGE!
Hilary: The first item on my aganda as president.
Elvis: But, your kids aren’t gay.
Hilary: Royal families never marry for love.
Elvis: Who will be the biological father?
Hilary: Why do you think I decided not to behead Bill?
At first, My husband was very excited at the thought of a merger with the Bush twins, but I slapped him down and told him, “This is a Test Tube Thingie…stictly business!”

Huck Picks JC to Fill #2 Slot

In a bold move that could dramatically alter the playing field of the 2008 GOP presidential race, former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee named Jesus Christ as his vice-presidential running mate.
Huckabee has made an increasing number of comments about his relationship with Jesus in recent debates, but few Republican insiders expected him to announce that he was anointing Christ as his vice presidential pick.
This could be huge for Huckabee, said Stenson Partridge, a veteran GOP consultant.
Among Republican voters, Jesus Christ is even more popular than Ronald Reagan.
The Rev. Pat Robertson, a supporter of former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, said he was blindsided by the news of Huckabee’s decision:
I talked to Jesus last night, and he didn’t mention anything about it.
At a raucous Huckabee rally in Davenport, Iowa, today, supporters of the former Arkansas governor could be seen holding signs reading HUCKABEE/CHRIST in 2008.
It is highly unorthodox for a presidential candidate to select a vice presidential running mate who is a prominent figure in the Holy Bible,, says Davis Logsdon, dean of the School of Divinity at the University of Minnesota. But according to Logsdon, if the Huckabee-Christ ticket makes it all the way to the White House, it could be historic in more ways than one: If Huckabee is elected and thensomething happens to him while in office, we would be looking at our first Jewish president.

Christ Returns, Kicks Ass

ROME (OMS) — An angry Jesus Christ returned today, shortly after the anniversary of His resurrection, and announced that he would be “takin’ care o’ bidness”. Witnesses at the Vatican said the air was rent asunder by the blast of the Archangel Gabriel’s trumpet, followed by an enormous thunderbolt that actually stopped Israel and Lebanon from throwing rocks at each other, if only for a minute. Hostilities resumed when they decided that Christ did not in fact represent their God.
As Christ descended from the heavens, a booming voice could be heard worldwide, intoning, “Who is worthy to hold the Book, and open the seals thereof?” Witnesses said Christ muttered, “None of you little bastards, that’s for sure,” as every eye bore witness and every ear had to hear.
Livid and red-faced, His eyes burning with a righteous and furious anger, Christ spoke at a press conference here early this morning, just before traditional sunrise services were to be celebrated at the Basilica of St. Peter.
“Look, I am sick and tired of this crap,”said the Living Word of God, His voice resounding without aid of microphones. “You’ve advanced technologically beyond anyone’s dreams, yet spiritually, you’re still in the third century. You motherfuckers have screwed up everything I ever said.
“Look, folks, here’s the deal: I wasn’t supposed to come back for another eighteen hundred years, but I figured, what the fuck? God wanted me to wait, but I said, ‘Holy Me, Dad, how much further do they have to sink?’ It’s not like you’ve actually advanced any, you know. I mean, come on—_Paris Hilton_? What is up with that?
“So listen up: this is a preemptive strike. Pop has told me to limit the damage to the wrathful, the hypocritical and Fox News, and he knows what he’s doing. So I’m not going to get everybody this time around, but I want you to think about it, for My sake. I got a few items here to take care of right quick. Catch y’all on the flip side.” The Son of God then disappeared in a puff of calla lilies.
News broadcasts around the globe are reporting the Redeemer’s activities:
Jerry Falwell was found in his Lynchburg, Virginia, home, bound hand and foot with his favorite garters and fishnet stockings. A diamond-encrusted platinum tennis racket continuously beat the self-proclaimed spokesman for God on his flabby, corpulent ass. The racket was inscribed with the words, “As ye sow, so shall ye reap, motherfucker.” According to Police, Falwell’s only comment was to scream, “Judge not, lest ye be judged!” between blows.
In Los Angeles, Cardinal Roger Mahony was found in the street in front of the Catholic Church’s $50 million ejaculation, the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels, continuously vomiting 24-karat gold coins. According to eyewitnesses, Christ dragged Mahony out of his offices and into the street, yelling, “I don’t throw just the moneylenders out of the temples, shithead!”
In Lawrence, Kansas, members of the Kansas State Board of Education awoke to find themselves with gills and prehensile tails. Witnesses said that clouds rearranged themselves to read, “Try Reading A Book Other Than The Bible Every Once In A While, Morons” in 8,000-point Helvetica type.
In Houston, former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling miraculously began to sweat crude oil. He was immediately captured and taken to Walter Reed Army Medical Hospital, where the Bush Administration hopes to drill them for more than 40,000 gallons a day.
The Anointed Infant Who Loathéd Not The Virgin’s Womb next turned his attention to the Pope…snapping His fingers, causing an astonished Pontiff to rapidly devolve into the primordial ooze from which all life sprang. At the same time, the College of Cardinals spontaneously exploded into a shower of confetti.
And in Washington, D.C., President Cheney and his sidekick, Chimpy the Sock Puppet, were amazed to find themselves transformed into pregnant, unwed, undereducated teenage mothers. Reports said that Christ whispered two words to the not-so-odd couple before leaving: “Compassionate conservative.”

Bush Threatens To Unleash Super-Weapon If Iran Doesn’t Come Clean

WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (OMS) — George W. Bush threatened Iran with “the stuff of nightmares” if President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad does not immediately drop to all fours and present his naked ass for a spanking. Bush made his remarks yesterday at a press conference in Crawford. Dubya claimed that he “had already gotten his daddy’s permission to speak before being spoken to”. In a long, rambling speech, Chimpy the Sock Puppet revealed the existence of a fearsome super-secret military experiment: genetically enhanced clowns. “I can state tonight that the United States has, for the last fifteen years, been engaged in an ongoing program of enhancing coulrophobia, the so-called ‘clown effect’ “, he said as Ted Kennedy’s jowls slowly devoured Dennis Hastert. “We know that garden-variety clowns are capable of instilling fear into even the hardiest of souls; well, thanks to our own super-science, we have developed the ultimate in circus warfare, which we have dubbed Operation Lord of the Three Rings: a genetic hybrid of Marcel Marceau and Emmett Kelly.”
The audience gasped; rumors of clown warfare had been circulating in the so-called “black ops” world for several years, but no one expected such a public announcement because mummer armament has been banned under the Geneva Convention since the 1972 Barnum Accords. “Our clowns represent the acme of big-top performance,” Bush continued. “Thanks to Operation Lord of the Three Rings, their squirting corsages can hit enemy cavorters in the face from up to fifty paces away. Their greasepaint also contains special psychotropic substances, field-tested at Celine Dion’s Las Vegas temple, that induce a hypnotic state into the victim, rendering him or her vulnerable to suggestion. This new super-weapon has been training at Area 51 since 1992.”
Bush further said that several brigades of combat clowns had already been dispatched to unnamed staging areas deep within Iraq, “in order to more easily terrify small children who will then grow up into brainwashed adults who will eagerly buy Lee jeans, GameBoys and Reeboks and go to Vegas for a three-day bender. So I’m warning you, Mahmoud: if you know what’s good for you, you’ll roll over and give it up or you might find a pair of extra-large shoes under your bed some day.” Independent news sources in Iran confirm the presence of hundreds of tiny cars driving across the desert. Each car is capable of holding ten clown troops and their oversized Nerf bats; such a fleet could easily traumatize an area the size of Nevada.
Ahmadinejad was unimpressed. In a fifteen-hour retaliatory speech, he claimed that Iran is developing its own corps of fundamentalist Islamic suicide clowns, who squirt themselves. “Neener, neener,” he said as he gave Bush the finger.

Bin Laden Granted Taxi License By City of Dearborn

YOUR DRIVER

DEARBORN, Michigan (OMS) — Saying he wanted to “drive American commerce to its knees”, international terrorist and criminal mastermind Osama bin Laden was granted a taxi license yesterday.
Dearborn officials were horrified when bin Laden, the mastermind behind terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the USS Cole, as well as other atrocities, appeared in person to accept his license.
“In our defense, we didn’t really look all that closely,” said Dearborn Mayor Michael A. Guido. “Really, all we knew was that some guy that resembled Hadji from Jonny Quest wanted a hack license.” When reminded that Hadji was a thirteen-year-old Indian boy and bin Laden is an adult, bearded Saudi national, Guido shrugged and said, “Well. Proves my point, doesn’t it?”
“Unfortunately, bin Laden’s license is valid,” said Dearborn Taxi Commmissioner Elvis Slobinsky. “The city code only says you can’t have been convicted of DUI within the previous twelve months. What were we supposed to do, call the FBI? What do we tell them—that we saw some guy with a turban and a beard? That’ll really stand out, I tell you.”
“With this mighty weapon in my hand, we shall bring Allah’s justice to the wicked Great Satan,” crowed bin Laden, his voice rising to a shout. “No more shall you oppress the righteous army of Islam! With this license, I shall cripple your computer networks and—what? It’s a what? Whaddaya mean, I gotta drive a cab? No, I wanted computer access, not to ferry some old lady to her weekly Bingo game. In the name of Allah, how am I supposed to defeat the Demon of the West if I’m stuck in traffic on Highway 96?”
“Oh, for crying out loud,” he continued sheepishly, “looks like I got a hack license, not a hacker license. Um… sorry for all that ‘Great Satan’ stuff I said. Sorry, everyone. No hard feelings, right?”

Bush Administration Wins Top Prize At Cannes

CANNES (OMS) — Amidst the glitz, the glamour and the air-kisses, one thing is certain: there will always be one big surprise every year at the Cannes Film Festival.
True to their history, the French have once again given their stamp of obsequiousness to an American from whom the rest of the world turns with a shudder. This year, the recipient is the administration of ersatz President George W. Bush. The grand jury awarded the Bush Administration the Jury Prize (also called the “Greased Palm d’Or”) for “their hilarious imitation of a Presidency”.
Insiders say the debate was rancorous and, in fact, turned on whether
Bush should get Best Actor or Best Sock Puppet. Vice President And Power Behind The Throne Dick Cheney received the Nothing Up My Sleeves But My Hand Is Up His Ass Award For Misdirection.
“Eet ees in ze best tradition of ze farce, non?” said French Culture Minister Elvés de la Slobinské. “Le Shrub nearly rivals ze great Jerry Lewis in his ability to wring laughs from almost any situation. Le moment du pretzel shall stand as one of ze all-time great comedy bits, like Buster Keaton and ze clock tower. Vraiment, Le Shrub is a true master of sublime hilarity.” De la Slobinske began to chuckle at the mere thought of it. “Like all ze great comedians, Le Shrub makes you laugh in order to restrain yourself from weeping, as ze immortal Emmett Kelly used to do in his routine. Le Shrub shall have a great career in ze circus, non?”
“Think about eet,” de la Slobinské continued. “‘E acts in complete contradiction to ze gravity of ze situation. Like Groucho Marx, Le Shrub’s genius is in saying the most idiotic things and being completely unaffected by zem. ‘E is almost Benigni-esque in zat regard. Many times have we—how you say?—‘busted ze gut’. Causing a panic on ze Tokyo Stock Exchange? Insulting ze Pakistanis? Le Shrub must be a genius of comedy. ‘Eet ees a serious business and we take it serious…ly’. Brilliant! Acting as if he didn’t know that there were Africans outside ze United States? Truly, zis man pushes ze comedy boundaries.” De la Slobinské wiped away a tear. ” ‘E is almost surreal.”
“What can I say?” said Film Festival President Gerard Depardieu. “We love ze Marcel Marceau. We love ze Mickey Rourke. And now, we love ze George Bush. His comedy is sublime, non?”
Depardieu and de la Slobinské turned sober when informed that the Bush Administration is in fact real and not an extended Saturday Night Live skit. “In zat case, America, ze joke, she is on you.”

Criminal Claims Responsibility For Bush Administration

WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (OMS) — Grinning super-villain the Joker today claimed he caused the Bush Administration. Speaking from his Ha-Hacienda at the Acme Toy Company, the Felonious Funster said that he was the prime mover behind the rigging of the Presidential elections in November 2000, as well as the Enron and WorldCom business scandals.
The Joker claimed that he used small doses of his signature poison, dubbed Joker venom, over a period of weeks on five members of the Supreme Court to make them susceptible to his commands. “I’d actually been planning to put Batman on trial again, except this time I would use Scalia and his puppets, but then this [the election controversy] came along and it was too good to pass up. So I said to myself, ‘Self’, ‘cause that’s what I call myself, although Harley calls me ‘Puddin’, but that’s neither here nor there…Anyway, I said, ‘Self, here’s a golden opportunity. Wouldn’t it be funny if Gore actually lost the election despite getting more votes than Bush? Talk about history in the making.’ And I did it all!”
“Anyway, the election was such a smashing success that I decided continue my little prank. Once I had Chimpy McSmirk and Captain Heart Attack—and more importantly, Karl Rove—under my control, it was child’s play to have them nominate the most outrageous people I could think of to head government bureaus. Who better to head the Women’s Health division of the FDA than a guy who prescribes Bible verses for women with PMS? Why not name a financial industry lobbyist to head the SEC? Why not have the so-called Vice President, a former energy company executive, meet secretly with other energy company executives while setting national energy policy and then refuse to talk about it to other government agencies? Brilliance, I tell you, sheer, unadulterated brilliance! And it worked better than I’d hoped, too! Lex Luthor must be green with envy right about now.
“Enron and WorldCom were different, though,” the Mirthful Mountebank continued as reporters cowered at gunpoint. “These people knew who I was and they trusted me anyway! Boy, you should have seen their faces when they found out I’d double-crossed them. They had the nerve to be surprised! Hey, Kenny-boy, I got a new dance. You’ll love it—it’s called the PERP WALK! Hahaha!
“Why did I do it? ‘Cause it’s FUNNY!” he shrieked. “Oh, the humanity!” His piercing howl deafened the roomful of reporters, who all thought it was still better than one of Ari Fleischer’s briefings.
The Clown Prince of Crime defiantly pooh-poohed rumpors of his involvement in the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. “I wouldn’t even think of such a thing. Really, it’s just stuff that got Blowed Up Real Good. Come on—crashing an airplane into a building? Where’s the subtlety, the irony? It’s got no style. The people who did that obviously have no sense of humor.”
When asked why he was confessing to these crimes, the Joker shrugged sadly. “The joke isn’t funny anymore. The bloom is off the rose. It’s funny, you know—well, not funny ‘ha ha’, but funny ‘strange’—but I almost wish Batsy would find me. At least he gives me a good rasslin’, even if he is a sourpuss stick-in-the-mud. God knows the Democrats don’t put up much of a fight and I didn’t have to use anything on them.”

The Department of Making Me Look Less Stoopit

WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (OMS) — George W. Bush today announced that his administration plans to create a new Cabinet post which will oversee the largest Federal Department in history.
Speaking at the Florida Republican Committee’s annual Blame It On The Poor Power Breakfast & Cross Burning, where he was scheduled to participate in next month’s ceremonial ballot box theft, Aethelred the Unready said that he ordered the creation of the Department of Making Me Look Less Stoopit in response to worldwide perceptions that he was dumber than a bag of hammers. According to a knowledgeable source, the original plan was to name it the Department Of Making Me Look Smart, but “nobody would believe it. Even Rush Limbaugh didn’t go for it, and he believes that Clinton caused the San Francisco Earthquake.”
White House apologist Tony Snowjob had no comment, although sources said he was “relieved” at having someone to whom the buck could finally be passed.
The enormous new department, with a budget roughly twice that of the Pentagon, will employ nearly ten million new employees. The new hires would be put to work “immediately”, according to the source. “They’ve got seven years of crap to sort through, plus they’ve got the new Do-Over Agency to worry about.” The Do-Over Agency would be responsible for immediately correcting the First Puppet’s innumerable verbal gaffes, along with the use of a traveling corps of voice actors who would actually read his speeches while the live-action Charlie McCarthy mouthed the words.
Other White House sources said noted Republican knothole Dan Quayle would be Bush’s first pick as head of the department. When asked why the former Vice President was nominated as Secretary of Stoopit, Bush said, “Well, he’s perfect. I mean, he’s the political equivalent of Brittney Spears, isn’t he? He even giggles.” Asked by reporters how he could justify a massive expenditure that runs against core conservative values even as the economy is reeling, Bush replied happily, “Ask Danny. That’s why he’s the whipping bo—uh, my highly-qualified nominee.”
Reached for comment, Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle said there would be little opposition to Quayle’s nomination. “We agree completely” with the nomination, he said in a prepared statement from his offices in One Horse, South Dakota. “Against all odds, they actually found the one guy dumber than [Bush] is. Well, aside from Paris Hilton and Ann Coulter, of course, but even they weren’t dumb enough to accept the post.”
The Department of Making Me Look Less Stoopit is the first new Cabinet post since then-President Clinton created the Department Of A Little Slower Yeah Just Like That in 1995.

Shanghied by the Lord

Bruce Willis as Jesus, Charlton Heston as Moses, director Mel Gibson and writer Elvis Slobinsky
Yes, that’s really Mel’s liner in Juneau Harbor on Independence Day, 2007.

July 2: Elvis Slobinsky was drinking with a few of his Hollywood Liberal buddies when Bruce Willis broke out a harmonica and began to fill the cabin with an unholy cacophony. Amazing, thought Slobinsky, There are only eight notes of one key on that instrument…in theory you can’t hit a sour one. But Bruce continued to defy logic and Elvis headed up on deck. A second later he hurried back below.
Hey, the boat is moving! I don’t think we’re in Malibu, Mel.
I know, replied Mel Gibson, the boat is headed to my summer home in Juneau where we will begin planning my new movie: The Wrath of the Christ. A Second-Coming action flic with Willis as Jesus (a stealth pilot) and Charlton Heston as Moses (the Lord’s bombardier). Is that okay with you, Chuck?
Who’s Moses?
We’re headed North to Alaska to shoot some stuff.
Shoot some stuff?…Oh, yes, Mel! Let’s go shoot some stuff.
And, you Slobinsky, shall write me a great script.
I don’t know, Mel. This sounds almost as wacky as your Passion of Mein Fuhrer idea.
Okay, I admit that that story is ahead of its time. But now, I’m all about the SECOND COMING. Did you see my last flic, APOCOLYPSO?
Yeah, I was one of the Chosen Few who watched your ripoff of Mark Twain’s A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court…where the hero is spared beheading because the ignorant primative people believe an eclipse of the sun is an act of God.
That’s why I need you to write this, Slobinsky. I bet Mark Twain never envisioned Jesus and Moses bombing the Middle East.
Listen, Mel…Moses’s people came from Iraq (home of the Old Testament)…he was born in Egypt and died in Jordan. His teacher was Al-Khidr great prophet in the Qur’an (Koran). I don’t think Moses would drop bombs on his own people.
JULY 4…Juneau. Early morning. Abandon ship!
Gibson and Willis leapt from their bunks and rushed out on deck in panic. Slobinsky noticed Heston sitting calmly by the cabin door.
Come on, Chuck. The ship’s on fire!
The first great lesson Al-Khidr taught me was to board a war ship and set it on fire…without war ships there is no war. There is no fire. This boat is disabled but safe.
Slobinsky and Heston climbed up on deck to see Gibson and Willis in the only lifeboat halfway to shore.
Cowards…In my day action heroes were brave on and off the screen, said Moses/ Charton.
They’ve left us stranded, Chuck.
Who’s Chuck? Hand me my staff. Heston pointed to an automatic weapon. Elvis obeyed but asked, That thing isn’t loaded, is it?
Only with the power of the Lord. Heston waved the AK-47 over his head.
The waters of Juneau harbor parted and Moses and Elvis climbed down from Mel’s boat and walked towards shore.

NASA Announces New Mars Research Project

EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE, California (OMS) — The National Aeronautics and Space Administration today announced a new decade-long research project centering on the geology and meteorology of the planet Mars. NASA Administrator Sean O’Keeffe, speaking at a news conference here this morning, said the new research effort would center on dropping various more-irritating-than-a-hangnail “celebrities” such as Paris Hilton, Britney Spears or Linsey Lohan from “really, really high” over the surface of Mars and measuring their speed at impact. The celebrities would be fitted with telemetry allowing scientists to measure speed, angle of impact and atmospheric composition. Orbiting satellites would analyze the spectrometric data from the clouds of dust caused by the celebrities’ sudden collision with the planet surface.
Dr. Elvis Slobinsky, professor of theoretical celebrity interaction physics at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory’s I Like To Wear My Michael Rennie From When Worlds Collide Uniform In Public And Let’s Face It It’s Really The Only Way To Get Women To Notice Me Even If They’re Laughing Science Center, has been asked to chair the new project. The project timeline is roughly ten years, “although we could easily run for fifty or more”, Dr. Slobinsky said in a telephone interview. “It’s not like we’ll ever run out of volunteers, what with American Idol, America’s Top Model and The Surreal Life.
Dr. Slobinsky said that at the early stages of testing have already begun. “We’ve already outfitted Paris and Ashley Simpson with prototype instrument packages and have fired them at target sites on Mars’ moons Phobos and Deimos. Paris should arrive early in 2008, Ashley a couple of months later. We’ve had preliminary talks with Gary Coleman and Emmanuel Lewis, but they’re too small for the suits. Joan Rivers, Lizzie Grubman and Nicky and Paris Hilton are scheduled for 2006—three years too late in my book, but hey, you can’t rush science.”
When asked why the project chose to use celebrities, Slobinsky responded, “Our computer modeling shows that most celebrities’ egos have properties that are an ideal ablative for re-entry, such as their incredibly light weight compared to their size. Most of them are like soap bubbles, which is why we’re so pleased to have someone of Mel Gibson’s caliber on board. We think his diamond-hard ego will protect the instrument package right up to the moment he goes splat.”
Responding to questions about getting celebrities to volunteer, Slobinsky chuckled. “Simple. We tell them Spielberg’s asked for a meeting but they have to visit him on location. They’re lined up out the door—we can’t keep them away.” When reporters asked why the project didn’t use robots or chimpanzees, however, Slobinsky recoiled. “Robots are damned expensive. You think we’re just gonna blow those up? And chimps…how cruel! That’s positively inhuman!”
Opposition to the project has already begun. Charles M. Jones, director of the Mars First! activist organization, said today that Project Hammer Time would result in “the ecological devastation of the beautiful Red Planet. These celebrities are filled with silicone, nonbiodegradable plastics and other unsavory elements—who’s to say what the long-term result might be? This makes me angry, very angry indeed,” he huffed.

Hollywood Chamber of Commerce Moves Trump’s Star to LA’s Skid Row

“In all good conscience we must reserve the Hollywood Walk of Fame for real artists working in legitimate forms of entertainment.
Donald Trump is a self-promoting blowhard who cast himself as star of a reality tv show which he owns. How is this different from an Informerical?
We have worked out a deal with the city of Los Angeles to move Trump’s star to Skid Row where reality fans can soak in some reality.
Coming soon to the Skid Row Walk of Fame: stars for Kelly Clarkson, Taylor Hicks and the cast of Jackass, the Movie,”
said Johnny Grant- the Honorary Mayor of Hollywood.

First Exclusive Rumsfeld Post-Retirement Interview

with Ex-Fox anchor, Elvis Slobinsky

Slobinsky: Reporters should be objective, but I’ve always been a big fan of your poetry.
Rumsfeld: Guess you caught wind of my new book.
Slobinsky: Of course…and Monday, Laura Bush will honor you as the new “Poet Laureate” of America.
Rumsfeld: I’m blushing like a new bride on her wedding night.
Slobinsky: The last time Laura tried to inject culture into the White House the result fell a bit short. Mrs Bush invited poet laureate, Sam Hamill to a White House symposium on “Poetry and the American Voice” in an effort to reveal the true heart of compassionate conservatives. Her topic: the poems of Walt Whitman, Emily Dickinson and Langston Hughes.
Sam responded, “These are three of the most original and anti-establishmentarian (and anti-war) poets in our literature. Do you even have a clue of what’s on the minds of poets today?” The symposium (scheduled for 2/12/03) was postponed (forever), but 200 “poetry readings against the war” occurred that day. Mr. Hamill asked a few friends for help and 11,000 of the world’s greatest poets immediately responded. The result was the book Poets Against the War.
Rumsfeld: Heavens to Betsy…Why must you bring that up? Is it embarrassing to dear, Sweet Laura? You betya. More embarrassing than when she rammed into the car of the ex-boyfriend…instantly killing him? Probably not…but, close. No wonder Fox fired you.
Slobinsky: So sorry, I meant no disrespect. Let’s return to our topic: For six years you have been a character right out of Shakespeare…a powerful member of the court, and everything you have said was a poetic riddle. But, how were you able maintain such high quality in your great work when your supporting White House cast had the artistic sense of a doorknob?
Rumsfeld: Most of them came from the Oil Industry…Crude oil, Crude Art. I am from the Drug Industry…mind expanding…free samples.
Slobinski: Tell us about your new book…
Rumsfeld: Poets for War is Peace. It includes poems from all the great compassionate conservative poets: “Put Down That Pipe and Get My Pipe Up” by Bill O’Reilly, “Twisted Sisters and Straight Grandkids” by Lynn Cheney, “Dear God, I Miss Nixon” by William F. Buckley…Landsakes, I could go on and on…”
Slobinski: Good luck on your new career!

Cheney Loses Puppet

WASHINGTON (OMS) — A federal judge today ordered the Cheney Administration to lift its lockout of the puppeteers and technicians responsible for George W. Bush’s public behavior and restore them to their previous jobs. The court order breaks a six-year stalemate between Republican Party stalwarts and one of labor’s most important unions, the You’re Absolutely Right, He Is A Puppet And It’s Our Hands Up His Ass Political Theatre Guild.
Thomas F. Hogan, Chief Justice of the D.C. District Court, issued a writ blasting the Administration for its behavior during the bitterly acrimonious dispute. The hot- button topic in the lockout is workman’s compensation. A number of the technicians have filed workman’s comp claims for repetitive-motion injuries, also called RSI. The Cheney Administration insists that RSI does not exist. In his writ, Hogan noted the Administration’s objections and wryly commented, “Medical science has repeatedly shown that workplace ergonomics is an important factor in employee well-being, not an issue the Chimp and his cronies can simply wish away. The pain is not ‘just in their heads’; neither is it ‘junk science’. Get over yourselves, you ninnies.”
The ruling clears the way for a lawsuit filed by the Guild to proceed. The Guild suit, filed in December of 2000, alleges that members were notified that as of January 2001 they would no longer receive overtime, vacation time, sick time, lunch breaks, a 401(k) plan, or indeed, even be allowed to quit. The suit also alleges that Administration officials insisted that Cheney be addressed as “His Most Magnificent Potentate, Magus Magisterius, Owner Of Our Very Souls, Light of the Universe And Laura’s Nummy-Yummy Dreamy-Weemy Kissy-Poo Love Bottom”. Administration sources say that the suit has merit on those points. Guild President and Mummer-in-Chief Elvis Slobinsky says the suit doesn’t go far enough. “The suit doesn’t go far enough,” he said in an interview. “This whole ‘Kissy-Poo’ business clearly violates every workplace regulation in the book. And the whole ‘Hail Caesar, We Who Are About To Die Salute You’ thing is for the birds.”
Administration officials say the ruling is completely without merit. “We are confident of the facts in this case,” said White House fluffer Tony Snowjob. “All the Lord Pontificator is saying is that we must kneel before His most august glory when in His beatific, resplendent presence, Poppy be praised. Tossing the rose petals and spraying perfume is a highly-sought-after job benefit.” Snow also defended the replacement puppeteers, made up of Bush campaign donors, when asked about Bush’s unending stream of embarrassing verbal gaffes. “When you’ve got so many people with their hands in the till—uh, such an intense interest in the future of our country—naturally, sometimes you get a conflict of opinion.”

OJ Cancelled! Fox will interview Freddie Kruger instead.

Rupert Murdoch in an interview with Fox News Anchor Elvis Slobinski:
Slobinski: “Why?”
Murdoch: “I had to know…How far can I push you American twits?
That Simpson wranker wanted to explain to his children,
‘This is how I would have (wink, wink) offed your mum.’
In the spirit of Free Speech, I offered him a forum.”
Slobinki: “But, America refused and you had to cancel the two interviews and OJ’s book.
Now you offer Freddie Kruger as a substitute…”
Murdoch: “This Kruger chap never turned his wife or mum into a Pez despenser.”
Slobinski: “But, Freddie is just a fictional slasher villain!”
Murdoch: “Nothing is fictional on Fox News.”
Slobinski: “Fox News just celebrated its 10-year anniversary.
Many say that you are responsible for the DUMBING OF AMERICA.”
Murdoch: “I am a businessman…I give the public what they want. Most Americans don’t want to be bothered with real news and bloody facts. They want ENTERTAINMENT: sex scandals and the like.
They want TALKING POINTS: simple answers to tough questions. We are cheerleaders for the war and White House. Fox is mass-media Prozac and very popular.”
Slobinski: “According to the ratings, only half as popular as you were three years ago.”
Murdoch: “Do you work for me? What’s your name, Mate?”
Slobinski: “Mike Wallace.”
Murdock: “You’re on barbie, Wallace. Mind your next question or I’ll turn on the heat.”
Slobinski: “Many say that your MY SPACE is a Haven for Perverts.”
Murdock: “Interview and you are terminated, Mr. Wallace!”

Item One on Nancy Pelosi’s Agenda: Marriage Ban!

Nancy Pelosi measured the drapes and picked ecru…an evironmentally friendly earth-tone color. The new Speaker of the House (first chick to get that far) now turns to the most glaring domestic threat to America: How could any rational human being vote for Bob Corker over Harold Ford?
Elvis Slobinski, head of the Britney Spears Sanctity of Marriage Institute, offered a clue:
“A slight majority of citizens of Tennessee have…somewhere in their background…a marriage between cousins. Inbreeding creates idiots. Just look at the Royal families in Europe (Read Shakespeare”s Richard III) or the Middle East. Crazy people!”
“Forget about Gay Marriage”, said Pelosi, “Cousin Marriage” is destroying our country!”

Axis of Evil To Meet Legion of Doom in Supervillain Finals

Washington DC (OMS) — The Axis of Evil held off the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants and the Legion of Doom swept aside the Illuminati to set up tonight’s Supervillain Finals. The surviving members of the Evil Mutants and the Illuminati will meet for the bronze medal.
The Axis of Evil (8-1) seemed to be horribly outclassed at the start by the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants’ superpowers, given that member nations Iran, Iraq and North Korea have the military muscle of Rhode Island. Mutant leader Magneto, the self-styled Master of Magnetism, started the Mutants’ scoring by neatly decapitating the Axis’ North Korean leader Kim Jong Il with a fusillade of steel hubcaps. However, the Axis responded by blaring revolutionary speeches by the late Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini at over 150 decibels, causing Evil Mutant the Blob to explode from the sheer sonic energy and stunning Mutants the Toad and Mastermind into unconsciousness. Magneto only escaped when teammate Quicksilver managed to turn off the broadcast by shaking the loudspeakers to pieces at super-speed. The Brotherhood (6-4) responded with Magneto dropping a small iron asteroid onto Iran’s underground nuclear facility.
In the late match, the Legion of Doom rode the combined super-genius of Lex Luthor and Brainiac as they stormed past the world-controlling Illuminati. However, Solomon Grundy’s strong right arm proved the crucial difference as the Legion (9-0) routed the Illuminati for the second time in three months. The home-team Legion also defeated the Secret Masters (7-2) on Skull Island last December to secure the top seed in the Olympics.
Doom team captain Luthor and first lieutenant Brainiac spent weeks after the World Championships devising a top-secret computer virus to destabilize the Illuminati’s command-and-control networks, which was introduced into the Illuminati computers by means of the Nigerian Offshore Banking hoax, which exploits Microsoft’s notoriously buggy Outlook software. Once the Illuminati’s networks were down, their business-suited footsoldiers milled about aimlessly, allowing Grundy to crush the skulls of the Illuminati leaders almost at will. The Joker then applied the coup de grace with his patented Joker venom, littering the field with grinning, gray-pinstriped corpses. The Legion suffered no losses for their first ever shutout in Olympic competition.
“I can’t believe that lame s—t worked,” a jubilant Luthor exclaimed after the victory. “We were going to go with ‘I Love You’ or the Kournikova exploit until we realized the Illuminati don’t care about sex, only money. What a bunch of yutzes. But hey, what do you expect from a bunch of Microsoft lusers? Everybody knows Linux beats the pants off Microsoft anyways.”

Scientists Discover New Element Responsible For Funky Grooves

CLEVELAND, Ohio — (OMS) Musical physicists today held a press conference here to announce startling new findings: the isolation of a new chemical element responsible for funk music.
The existence of the funk atom, which the scientists have dubbed jamesbrownium, has been widely theorized for years,but this is the first concrete evidence of its existence. A team of musical physicists at the University of Mississippi’s Funkentelechy Institute isolated the atom after years of effort. Dr. Elvis Slobinsky, chairman of the Institute and holder of the university’s All Hail John Lee Hooker Except You Nancy Reagan ‘Cause You’ll Never Understand chair in the Hollywood Swingin’ School of Music, said that the breakthrough occurred when team members, exhausted from the strenuous research effort, attended a musical reunion of the Isley Brothers. “The funkiness readings went off the charts,” he said. “Our instruments almost burned out. Ronald Isley was kind enough to stop by the Institute and he set off the funk detectors from fifty paces. It was unreal.
Slobinsky said this revelation led to a sense of renewed purpose for the team, which was awarded a special Grammy for its efforts. “The amazing thing is, the results are astoundingly uniform,” he said. “People exhibit one of two reactions to the presence of jamesbrownium: those who Get It and those who don’t. Those who Get It display what we call the We Gots Ants In Our Pants And We Needs To Dance Syndrome, which involves fevered, rhythmic booty-shaking, numerous ‘whoop-whoop’ cries and nonstop demonstrations of what we scientists call ‘busting a move’. People who don’t Get It generally become Republicans.”
The team’s findings were verified when researchers at UCLA’s Ohio Players School of Music and Coordinated Dance Routines For The Horn Section accidentally stumbled upon jamesbrownium while researching the musical question ‘What Is Hip’? That team theorized that jamesbrownium is a naturally occurring element and may be generated when the brain’s I Got Soul And I’m Super Bad lobe is hypertrophied. The ensuing radiation stimulates temporary cellular activity in surrounding humans, resulting in what Slobinsky called ‘repeated attempts to do the splits’. Scientists are still studying this phenomenon, which they have decided to name “James Brownian motion”.
Slobinsky said that repeated exposure to jamesbrownium is not without its price, and must be approached with caution. “Isolated incidents of jamesbrownium poisoning have cropped up. This poisoning, which our UCLA colleagues have dubbed the ‘Placebo Syndrome’, may result in delusional behavior, such as extensive plastic surgery to make oneself resemble a gargoyle or shooting one’s television. Elvis Presley andMichael Jackson had some of the strongest jamesbrownium readings ever, but sadly, it’s gotten to the poor bastards. Have you heard Jackson’s album, Invincible? If only there was something we could do for him. He’s going to become Howard Hughes eventually.”
According to the researchers’ findings, some people may be naturally resistant to jamesbrownium’s effects. “In a very few cases, some people are absolutely uneffected. Perhaps feeling left out of the delirium, yet still wanting to get down with their bad selves, these sad individuals fake the effect, but with none of the orgasmic joy. They imitate the moves, but on the inside, they’re just plain Justin and Britney, with no release, nothing thudding rhythmically in their souls. To them, funk isn’t a way of life; it’s just a job. Look at that pathetic sad-sack Michael Bolton.”
Slobinsky said that they have gotten confirmation of jamesbrownium’s existence all over the world. “Readings are epecially strong in the Caribbean and the Mississippi Delta, down through Latin and South America. The Brazilians’ funk readings are too high to measure. St. Louis, Chicago, Memphis-very strong readings there. We’ve gotten readings from throughout Europe and the Middle East straight through to Asia. We think Africa’s one big mother lode. However, something seems to be canceling out the presence of jamesbrownium in Washington, D.C. Strange.”

Bush Placed On 15-Day Disabled List

WASHINGTON (OMS) — Presidential impersonator George W. Bush has been placed on the 15-day disabled list with a severe strain of his cerebral cortex suffered while watching the wrong movie.
According to White House spokesliar Dana Perino, the injury occurred late Sunday evening as Bush mistakenly attempted to watch The Seventh Seal, a bleak masterpiece of existential cinema directed by legendary Swedish filmmaker Ingmar Bergman. Sources said Bush had actually intended to watch Navy SEALS, a piece of cinematic bat guano starring legendary frequenter of prostitutes Charlie Sheen that leaves the viewer feeling bleak about having lost ninety minutes of his existence.
According to those sources, Bush actually managed to watch and understand about fifteen minutes of Bergman’s magnum opus before asking, “Hey! Where’s the helicopters at? How come nothin’s been blowed up yet?” When told that nothing in The Seventh Seal actually involved nuclear weapons, terrorists, squealing tires or explosions, Bush reportedly muttered, “Dadgummit, more crap,” before watching more of the film. A few minutes later, Bush exclaimed, “Chess? Why’s them two playin’ chess instead o’ fightin’ or joustin’ or whatever they did back then? And where’s Charlie Sheen?” When his staff tried to explain that the chess match represented man’s interior struggle between mutually conflicting urges, the increasingly Fuzzy-Lumpkins-ish Bush got a nosebleed and screamed, “Git them dang big two-dollar words out mah haid!” before collapsing face first in a bowl of popcorn.
White House physician Dr. Elvis Slobinsky attended the stricken faux-President. “Bush has a severe strain of his right cerebral cortex, in the area responsible for philosophy and self-awareness,” said Slobinsky at a press conference from Bethesda Naval Hospital. “I haven’t seen a cortex injury this bad since Reagan tried to watch Gandhi. All of this could have been avoided had Bush tried to exercise his cortex prior to attempting viewing of a movie that required him to actually think for himself. He completely ignored our orders to start with something small, like Pauly Shore, and work his way up through Happy Gilmore, The Love God? and The Three Stooges Meet Hercules before moving on to the more advanced stuff. The way it is now, it’s like using a Yugo to pull a mobile home. Really, what the hell was he thinking?”
This is not the first time Bush has injured his brain. As a student at Harvard Business School, he was briefly hospitalized with severe cerebellum cramping after attempting to read “Leaves of Grass” and “Ozymandias” in the same school year. He has limited his reading ever since to Reader’s Digest magazine.
Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert was called up to take Bush’s spot on the roster.

Venusians Express Solidarity With Mars, Express Concern Over Earth’s ‘Weapons of Mass Destruction’

APHRODITE TERRA, Venus (OMS) — The leader of Venus’ Free Beings Coalition today harshly condemned the escalating tensions between Earth and Mars and vowed to side with Mars should the interstellar celebrity standoff continue.
“This situation cannot be allowed to continue,” said a stern FBC Chancellor Homina Homina Googly-Moogly. Googly-Moogly spoke before a crowd of 15,000 Venusians at Aphrodite Terra’s annual Sulfuric Acid Harvest celebration. “We stand united with our Martian cousins and plead with the Planetary Council for a new resolution allowing us to disarm the brutish Terrans, who are clearly a threat to solar stability. How these unevolved simians ever managed to stand upright is beyond us. Any species which creates a cult of celebrity before colonizing its own moon must be treated as the danger that it is.“After careful consultation with our sister states of Ishtar Terra and Beta Regio, and telepathic visits from Martian delegates, we have decided that Venusians everywhere cannot countenance this rogue planet. To this end, we have dispatched General Woof Woof Tooki-Tooki to Earth in order to inspect their declared celebrities lists. Should Earth be found to be in material breach of their declarations, we shall burn the planet down to the bedrock in order to preserve the peace. Except for Norway, of course.” General Tooki-Tooki is the highest ranking officer in Venus’ planetary defense system, and is widely known as a no-nonsense, take-no-prisoners kind of squidlike being who ran the legendary Yellow Peril combat force during the Alpha Centauri war two centuries ago. “A few humans would, of course, be preserved for study in one of our lovely zoos here on Venus, but the rest of you have just got to go.”
Chancellor Googly-Moogly waved his cilia in agitation as he recalled “Earth’s stalling, delays and outright lies” in complying with the Edict of Mercury laid out fifteen years ago. Under the terms of that edict, humanity was sharply limited in the number of celebrities and hangers-on allowed to exist at any one time. “Humanity are noted for their ability to deceive and lie like rugs,” he said. “Well, except for whatshisname, Gandy or Gundree or whatever it is. He was cool. Based on projections derived from our emissary Hawking’s reports, mankind should be ending planetary hunger right about now, but noooo…you find new reasons to chase fame, and now you’ve involved our close allies from Mars with your pathetic ‘celebrities’. Like American Idol is actually shining example of talent and charisma. Sheesh. Our bacteriological warfare will give you Venereal diseases like you never saw. We’ll turn you all into a race of Britney Spears offsprings.”
The North American Air Defense Command in Colorado Springs, Colorado confirmed the existence and imminent arrival of the Venusian fleet. General Elvis Slobinsky, NORAD Commander in Chief, said the nation’s defenses had been placed in a heightened state of readiness. “Our silos are loaded with Tom Cruise Missles. We’ll give them boys ‘a walk to remember’,” he said before breaking into tears and calling for his mommy. The White House urged all Americans to continue to pay the utmost attention Academy Awards fashion. They also reminded the public that Paris Hilton has a new album.

Springsteen Explodes On Stage; Voted ‘Best Show Ever’ By Village Voice

NEW YORK CITY (OMS) — Vein-busting singer Bruce Springsteen spontaneously combusted during his performance at Madison Square Garden this evening.
According to eyewitnesses, the husky-voiced Springsteen, who managed to maintain his regular-guy persona despite being as wealthy as the Sultan of Brunei, was performing the climax of his crowd-pleasing anthem “Rosalita” when the unfortunate explosion occurred. Ironically, “Rosalita” followed “I’m On Fire” and was itself to be followed by the roof-raising “Tenth Avenue Freeze-out”. Fans, believing the explosion to be part of the show, stood and waved their Bic lighters in appreciation. “Wicked cool effects,” shouted one jubilant attendee.
Experts were amazed. “I was amazed,” said Dr. Elvis Slobinsky in a post-blowup press conference. Dr. Slobinsky is dean of the Shake It Up Baby Twist And Shout School of Musical Physics at New York University.
“Bruce’s clothing was specially treated with non-flammable compounds for just such an emergency. It’s a special ablative we developed in conjunction with NASA, and is rated at over 5 Tinas of musical energy. Bruce and the band normally give off about 1.5 Tinas per show, although his maximum to date is 2.3, recorded August 15, 1994, in Altoona.” (A Tina is the standard unit of musical energy; one Tina is enough to power *NSync for three years.)
Slobinsky theorized that Springsteen’s marathon concerts may be partially to blame. “We’ve known for some time that Bruce and the band give off a special kind of radiation when they play, exposure to which leaves fans exhilarated and exhausted. Until now, that output has been contained by specially designed musical instruments. Really, it’s a long process, but apparently four-hour shows night after night wore away the ablative until he literally went out with a bang.”
Members of Springsteen’s longtime backing corps, the E Street Band, and their roadies were unhurt. “We think they’ve built up a tolerance to the elemental Bruce particles, which enables them to not only withstand but thrive in such an environment,” Slobinsky said, shrugging. “The E Streeters’ chemical makeup is a synergistic mix that has always had the potential for combustion, but the twin poles of Bruce and Clarence [Clemons] had always interacted to modulate the energy from their shows. It’ll take years just to figure out how he went critical.”
Dr. Slobinsky scoffed at reports that the university allowed Springsteen to explode as part of an experiment into the fundamental nature of the musical universe. “Ridiculous,” he spat. “We’ve made a buttload of cash selling that energy back to California. Why kill the golden goose?” When prodded, however, Dr. Slobinsky allowed that his stash of Springsteen bootlegs had just skyrocketed in value. “Aruba, here I come!”

U.S. Claims It Has Found WMDs, Socks, Remotes, etc

AS SULAYMANIYAH, Iraq (OMS) — American forces here claimed they have found “almost in their entirety” the missing elements of Iraq’s banned weapons programs.
In a press conference, Colonel Elvis Slobinsky, commander of the U.S. Army’s elite 101st We Have Always Been At War With Oceania War Is Peace Slavery Is Freedom We’re Winning The War On Terror And Won’t Somebody Please Think Of The Children Corps, today claimed that not only had the military found Saddam Hussein’s missing stockpiles of banned munitions, but they had also found “a mountain of pens, wallets and remote controls” buried in enormous underground bunkers in the desert just north of this provincial capital.
“Saddam was more cunning than we thought,” said a weary, dusty Slobinsky as workers unearthed yet another barrel marked “CELL PHONES”. He was using Nazi Super-Science�„� to maliciously deprive decent, hard-working Americans of their Constitutional right to matching socks. Do you know how many socks I personally have had go missing? And imagine if you had to get up to change the channel. He’s mad, I tell you—MAD!!”
A visibly shaken Slobinsky continued to detail the grim findings. “We’ve known for years that Saddam wanted to embarrass us on the world stage. Now we know what he was up to. That diabolical madman wanted us to become a nation of Absent-Minded Professors. Fortunately, the Army was here to stop him. Thank God Bush had the balls to stand up to him before one of the Presidential pens went missing. We’d have had to bring in twenty or thirty Secret Service agents for that.
“We’re looking at roughly 300,000 remote controls. We’ve also found over one million pens, four hundred thousand pairs of glasses, and 1.6 million socks, both athletic and dress. And none of them match any of the others.”
But Hussein’s perfidy didn’t stop there. Sources familiar with the search say that the Army has unearthed top-secret attempts by Iraq to obtain and deploy highly-sought-after prank technology, and that Marine commandos have recently captured Johnny Knoxville, who wasn’t actually on the most-wanted list, but who was just really darn annoying. “We think [Johnny] was preparing to turn over a list of advanced ‘Jackass’ stunts to Hussein, perhaps in a misguided attempt to get someone to publicly admit to liking him. Saddam, of course, was just using Johnny to get at our classified gag capabilities. Wet Willies, Purple Nurples, Indian burns…Saddam was after it all,” said one highly-placed source on the condition that the source not be identified for fear of being laughed at. “We understand he was only six months from developing wide-scale atomic whoopie-cushion technology. Ever get wedgied while wearing a sixty-pound field pack? The fiend!”
Sources say that military experts are combing through the mountain of refuse looking for Bush’s brain, Cheney’s heart and John Ashcroft’s courage.

Cheney, Scalia Vow Support For Gay Marriage Amendment

WASHINGTON, D.C. (OMS) — Power behind the throne Dick Cheney today astonished small-brained conservatives everywhere when he pledged “deep, abiding support” for a constitutional amendment allowing gays to marry. The consternation was doubled when Opus Dei zombie Antonin Scalia also announced his support for such an amendment. Scalia also announced his surprise engagement to Captain Heart Attack, saying that Cheney was “a man’s man. Literally. Let’s face it,” he told the Conference of Concerned Deeply Repressed Republican Women Who Really Need Some Quality Time With A Gallon Of Astro-Glide And A Really, Really Big Vibrator, “we’re just upholding the core conservative value of keeping the government out of the bedroom, right? So we’re just setting an example. And I’m wearing my special boxers just for you, Dickie-baby.”
Cheney’s remarks came before the weekly power breakfast of The National Association of Hunters And Collectors Of Big, Long, Hard, Powerful Weapons That Fire Rapidly Over And Over Not That This Means We’re Insecure Or Anything. “I was talking to my longtime companion Tony Scalia as we sat huddled close together in that tiny, intimate duck blind…his hands caressing his rifle…keeping it well lubricated..and suddenly he looked at me with those puppy-dog eyes and said, ‘I love you, man.’ It was then that I knew that my artificial heart belonged to him. It was then that I vowed to work for a constitutional amendment allowing gay marriage, so that I could openly proclaim my love for Tony. Them lips was made for kissin’!” he squealed.
When asked about his current marriage, Cheney waved his hand diffidently and replied, “As you know, Laura’s been my merkin for quite some time and I’m ready for a change. Besides, she cranks enough Xanax to stun a herd of elephants. I don’t think she’d even notice.”
Scalia said he’d been “holding back” his feelings about Cheney for some time. “I just love saying his name,” said a smitten Chief Justice. “‘Where’s my Dick?’ I would shout. ‘I need Dick! Dick! Diiiiiiiiiiiiick!’”
Reaction to the announce was swift and varied. “I guess you could call this your classic ‘good news, bad news’ scenario,” said Mary Cheney, daughter of the Vice President and an open lesbian. “On one hand, he’s finally decided to treat his daughter like a human being. On the other…well, you get the picture.”
Boy King George W. Bush was stunned. “I am thunderplucked,” he said in a statement. “Cheney and Scullery engaged in homerspecial activitation? Unbefathomable!”
Elvis Slobinsky, head of the Log Cabin Republicans, said, “Big fuckin’ deal. Maybe he can bend over for us for once.”

Murtha demands that Dubya complete his National Guard duty

Murtha demands that Dubya complete his National Guard duty

In an interview with ex-Fox News anchor Elvis Slobinski
Jack Murtha asked for closure.
Junior skipped out on his entire last year of service…
some call it AWOL, but in my book more than a month away is DESERTION!
(Maximum punishment: Death by Firing Squad).
No, I am not asking for us to shoot Mr. Bush. I only want him to complete his military contract with America as I, JFK, Ike and Kerry did.
And, NO, Dubya…his recent trip to Vietnam does not count towards that lost year.”

Cat Stevens and Cat (and Ted) Stevens

…on the No-Fly List

We Followed The Money North to Alaska by Elvis Slobinsky

A Constructive Anarchy Exclusive
We ignore White House Talking Points at CA. We remember when Deep Throat said “Follow the Money” during Watergate, and we believe THAT IS ONLY ONE GREAT TRUTH IN AMERICA TODAY: “Who’s making a profit off our latest disaster?” Track that down and you will discover the WHY.
I hope you remember Carol Lam - of the eight fired US Attorneys. Her sin? Carol was connecting the dots from dirty money to Duke Cunningham to Ted and Ben Stevens Ties to Jack Abramoff I brought this link to my editor, Greg Giacona, and he was so excited that he sold off his entire collection of Barry Bonds Rookie cards to finance a trip to Alaska in early July. We caught up with Ted Stevens and his trophy wife at the Anchorage Airport. Ted recognized me from my days at Fox News. He smiled but blocked an interview.
The following is a recorded transcript from our meeting:
TED: Love Fox News, but we’re late for our plane.
ME: I’m not with Fox anymore…
GUARD: I’m sorry, Ma’am, your name is on the NO-FLY LIST.
TED: What the hell are talking about?
GUARD: Cat Stevens…right here on my list.
TED: This is CATHERINE Stevens! She’s the damn wife of the damn seniorist Republican Senator in the history of Congress!
GUARD: I heard you call her “Cat” and her last name is Stevens…
TED: “CAT” is a nickname for “Catherine”, you Idiot! Do you know who you are talking to? My f#$@ing name is on this airport!
Guard: I’ll send a man to confirm your claim, Mr Stevens…
ME: While you’re waiting, Sir, may I ask you a couple of questions?
TED: Cat is not a terrorist…well, not my Cat anyway…
ME: So, Senator Stevens, what’s up with that stupid Incredible Hulk necktie you always wear?
TED: You’re not with Fox!
ME: I told you that. I’m on the internet now.
TED: Internet?
ME: You call it “That thingie with a series of tubes”…
TED: Oh…You mean the Internet. Now, stop wasting my time and ask me a serious question.
ME: Okay…Just how much money did you get from VECO Oil to remodel your Girdwood house?
TED: You won’t like me when I’m angry!
ME: Oh, I get the Hulk thing now.
Two weeks later the FBI raided Ted Stevens’ home.
Before and After
Most people expand their homes by adding a second story, but not Ted. At great expense, Stevens raised the existing house and built a new floor below. Why the hell not since VECO Oil was paying the bills? Anchorage Daily News- Feds eye Stevens’ home remodeling project
Yes, this is the same great Republican who demanded 315 MILLION dollars for a BRIDGE TO NOWHERE while a real bridge crumbles because of lack of funding for repairs.

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Published by Greg at 12:01 AM on April 26, 2008

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