.
HOLLYWOOD (OMS) — The Academy Awards were ravaged when the Hubble space telescope accidentally projected its death ray into the Kodak Theater here during the movie industry’s annual circle jerk. The telescope apparently went out of control when astronomers used it to look down Natalie Portman’s dress during the pre-show program.
PANDAEMONIUM (OMS) — Hell was wracked by chaos after film director James Cameron staged a bloodless coup and dethroned Lucifer Morningstar early this morning.Cameron, who has long been called “More Satany Than Satan” and “Chock Full O’ Evil” by those who worked for him, was here to shoot Blinded by the Light, Lucifer’s bestselling autobiography. Cameron has long been a fan of the Goat-Horned One and has called Light “the chance of a lifetime”. Many insiders believe that Cameron has longed to rule in Hell ever since he was spawned there millennia ago. Cameron has made no secret of his fondness for the Lake of Fire and in fact bought a vast estate in Dis, a city on the edge of the Inferno, two years ago after his divorce from actress Kathryn Bigelow. She had no comment other than to note that it was eerily reminiscent of their marriage. “I got my Oscar and Jim finally got what he wanted,” she said in a prepared statement.
TOM………………..AND JERRY……..and JOHN?
LOS ANGELES (OMS) — Jerry Bruckheimer, producer of such skull-bustingly stupid fare as National Treasure and Armageddon, today apologized for his part in the relentless dumbing-down of American culture. Saying that his prodigious cocaine habit “in no way excused [his] actions”, Bruckheimer fell to his knees before a stunned crowd of call girls and Shriners and begged the forgiveness of the American public.
YOUR DRIVER
5-9-06: DEARBORN, Michigan (OMS) — Saying he wanted to “drive American commerce to its knees”, international terrorist and criminal mastermind Osama bin Laden was granted a taxi license yesterday.
Rupert Murdoch in an interview with Fox News Anchor Elvis Slobinski:
Slobinski: “Why?”
Murdoch: “I had to know…How far can I push you American twits?
That Simpson wranker wanted to explain to his children,
‘This is how I would have (wink, wink) offed your mum.’
In the spirit of Free Speech, I offered him a forum.”
Murtha demands that Dubya complete his National Guard duty
In an interview with Fox News anchor Elvis Slobinski Jack Murtha asked for closure. “Boy George skipped out on his entire last year of service…
some call it AWOL, but in my book more than a month away is DESERTION!
(Maximum punishment: Death by Firing Squad). No, I am not asking for us to shoot Mr. Bush. I only want him to complete his military contract with America as I, JFK, Ike and Kerry did.
And, NO, Dubya…the two days in Vietnam last week does not count towards that lost year.”
Nancy Pelosi measured the drapes and picked ecru…an evironmentally friendly earth-tone color. The new Speaker of the House (first chick to get that far) now turns to the most glaring domestic threat to America: How could any rational human being vote for Bob Corker over Harold Ford?
Elvis Slobinski, head of the Britney Spears Sanctity of Marriage Institute, offered a clue:
“A slight majority of citizens of Tennessee have…somewhere in their background…a marriage between cousins. Inbreeding creates idiots. Just look at the Royal families in Europe (Read Shakespeare”s Richard III) or the Middle East. Crazy people!”
“Forget about Gay Marriage”, said Pelosi, “Cousin Marriage” is destroying our country!”
Washington DC (OMS) — The Axis of Evil held off the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants and the Legion of Doom swept aside the Illuminati to set up tonight’s Supervillain Finals. The surviving members of the Evil Mutants and the Illuminati will meet for the bronze medal.
NEW YORK (OMS) — George W. Bush stunned the United Nations General Assembly today when he accidentally uttered an incisive, coherent remark.
CLEVELAND, Ohio — (OMS) Musical physicists today held a press conference here to announce startling new findings: the isolation of a new chemical element responsible for funk music.
The Department of Making Me Look Less Stoopit
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (OMS) — George W. Bush today announced that his administration plans to create a new Cabinet post which will oversee the largest Federal Department in history.
WASHINGTON (OMS) — Presidential impersonator George W. Bush has been placed on the 15-day disabled list with a severe strain of his cerebral cortex suffered while watching a movie.
PASADENA, California (OMS) — A red-faced Microsoft Corp. scrambled to avoid looking more stupid than usual after Vice President Dick Cheney was hacked by a group of students from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. The MIT students were engaging in the traditional senior prank, which this year included a jibe at rival repository of super-egghead smartypants the California Institute of Technology, located just outside Los Angeles.
APHRODITE TERRA, Venus (OMS) — The leader of Venus’ Free Beings Coalition today harshly condemned the escalating tensions between Earth and Mars and vowed to side with Mars should the interstellar celebrity standoff continue.
Bush Administration Wins Top Prize At Cannes
CANNES (OMS) — Amidst the glitz, the glamour and the air-kisses, one thing is certain: there will always be one big surprise every year at the Cannes Film Festival.
True to their history, the French have once again given their stamp of obsequiousness to an American from whom the rest of the world turns with a shudder. This year, the recipient is the administration of ersatz President George W. Bush. The grand jury awarded the Bush Administration the Jury Prize (also called the “Greased Palm d’Or”) for “their hilarious imitation of a Presidency”.
Bush Threatens To Unleash New ‘Super-Weapon’ If Iran Does Not Disarm
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (OMS) — George W. Bush threatened Iran with “the stuff of nightmares” if President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad does not immediately drop to all fours and present his naked ass for a spanking.
Springsteen Explodes On Stage; Voted ‘Best Show Ever’ By Village Voice
NEW YORK CITY (OMS) — Vein-busting singer Bruce Springsteen spontaneously combusted during his performance at Madison Square Garden this evening.
WASHINGTON, D.C. (OMS) — Power behind the throne Dick Cheney today astonished small-brained conservatives everywhere when he pledged “deep, abiding support” for a constitutional amendment allowing gays to marry.
U.S. Claims It Has Found WMDs, Socks, Remotes, etc
AS SULAYMANIYAH, Iraq (OMS) — American forces here claimed they have found “almost in their entirety” the missing elements of Iraq’s banned weapons programs.
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (OMS) — Grinning super-villain the Joker today claimed he caused the Bush Administration. Speaking from his Ha-Hacienda at the Acme Toy Company, the Felonious Funster said that he was the prime mover behind the rigging of the Presidential elections in November 2000, as well as the Enron and WorldCom business scandals.
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (OMS) — The Bush Administration today announced new federal rules which they say are designed to keep manufacturing businesses in America and stop the overseas flight of thousands of jobs.
Bush Announces New Faith-Based Initiative
WASHINGTON, D.C. (OMS) — George W. Bush today announced the formation of the Inquisition of America, the latest and largest of his controversial faith-based initiatives. The announcement followed last week’s 6-3 Supreme Court decision, which allowed the formation of Young Intolerance militias in the nation’s high schools. In that decision, Ashcroft v People With Common Sense, a sharply divided high court said in part, “Formation of these squads will hurt no one except those who refuse to step aside in deference to their betters, and in fact, will help force so-called ‘free thinkers’ to knuckle under.”
Surgeons Announce Research Breakthrough
ST. LOUIS, Missouri (OMS) — Researchers announced today that they have completed work on a stunning new procedure that, if successful, will allow doctors for the first time to surgically implant spines in Congressional Democrats.
Cheney Goes On Rampage, Destroys Capitol
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (OMS) — A rampaging President Dick Cheney went on a wild spree today and was subsequently killed in a firefight with the military that destroyed the Capitol Building here.
EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE, California (OMS) — The National Aeronautics and Space Administration today announced a new decade-long research project centering on the geology and meteorology of the planet Mars. NASA Administrator Sean O’Keeffe, speaking at a news conference here this morning, said the new research effort would center on dropping various more-irritating-than-a-hangnail “celebrities” such as Paris Hilton, Janis Dickinson or Clay Aikens from “really, really high” over the surface of Mars and measuring their speed at impact. The celebrities would be fitted with telemetry allowing scientists to measure speed, angle of impact and atmospheric composition. Orbiting satellites would analyze the spectrometric data from the clouds of dust caused by the celebrities’ sudden collision with the planet surface.
WASHINGTON (OMS) — A federal judge today ordered the Cheney Administration to lift its lockout of the puppeteers and technicians responsible for George W. Bush’s public behavior and restore them to their previous jobs. The court order breaks an eighteen-month stalemate between Republican Party stalwarts and one of labor’s most important unions, the You’re Absolutely Right, He Is A Puppet And It’s Our Hands Up His Ass Political Theatre Guild.
HOUSTON, Texas (OMS) — Securities and Exchange Commission investigators revealed the presence of thousands of private documents which detail Enron Corp.’s (NYSE: PUSHINGUPTHEDAISIES) intent to manipulate international energy prices, as well as former CEO Kenneth L. “L Is For ‘Lies Like A Rug’ ” Lay’s burning desire to create a new dance craze.
Christ Returns, Kicks Ass
ROME (OMS) — An angry Jesus Christ returned today, shortly after the anniversary of His resurrection, and announced that he would be “takin’ care o’ bidness”. Witnesses at the Vatican said the air was rent asunder by the blast of the Archangel Gabriel’s trumpet, followed by an enormous thunderbolt that actually stopped Israel and Lebanon from throwing rocks at each other, if only for a minute. Hostilities resumed when they decided that Christ did not in fact represent their God.
Fox Network Chokes To Death During Patriotic Binge
NEW ORLEANS (OMS) — The Fox Network was found dead in its temporary living quarters here, the victim of an apparent overdose of knee-jerk patriotism.
LOS ANGELES (OMS) — Mother Nature held a press conference today to say She has made a “terrible mistake” and as a result, has swallowed the Grammy Awards whole and returned them to the Pit from whence they came.
WILMINGTON, Delaware (OMS) — Comcast Cable Corporation today announced that it had begun systematically seizing the assets of its cable subscribers and evicting them from their homes as part of its new operating procedures.
SAN FRANCISCO (OMS) — George Lucas today announced that Industrial Light & Magic, a subsidiary of Lucasfilm Ltd, has been awarded a three-year, $1.6 billion contract to maintain and upgrade the electronics of President Dick Cheney and his sock puppet Chimpy. Speaking from his corporate offices (informally known as “the Death Star” or “Ego Point”) at Skywalker Ranch, Lucas said that he was honored and proud to have been selected as the sole source for Presidential puppetry. The contract had formerly been awarded to the Creature Shop, a subdivision of Jim Henson Films (NYSE: KERMITRULES).
REDMOND, Washington (OMS) — Microsoft Corp. Chairman and Commander-in-Chief Bill Gates today declared war on the Walt Disney Corporation over the souls of America’s youth. Microsoft (NYSE: CRUSHGRINDKILLKILLKILL) has been engaging in mouse-rattling for some time over what it claims are “Disney’s egregious and aggressive attempts to co-opt souls that Microsoft already owns”.
PANDAEMONIUM (OMS) — Hell, a fully owned subsidiary of Infernal Enterprises (NYSE: BURNBABYBURN), today announced the relocation and downsizing of its major Washington D.C. offices.
WASHINGTON (OMS) — Officials of Wal-Mart Inc (NYSE: WAMBAMTHANKYOUMAAM) today announced that they have launched a hostile takeover bid of the United States following the collapse of former owner Enron Corp. (NYSE: BITTHEBIGONE). Wal-Mart CEO David Glass, speaking from his human-skin-lined, diamond-encrusted throne room deep in the bowels of the company’s Dentonville, Arkansas headquarters, said that Wal-Mart “had been searching for a new acquisition target, and frankly, K-Mart would put up as much of a fight as a hooker when the Navy’s in town. Isn’t that right, bitches?” K-Mart CEO Charles Conaway and Chairman James Adamson could not provide comment as they were frantically licking Glass’ boots and sucking his erect penis, respectively.
HOLLYWOOD (OMS) — The Screen Actors Guild today announced its 29th fatwa, or death sentence, nominees. The annual fatwa ceremony will be held February 27 at the Chino Men’s Correctional Facility. First held in 1973, the “Fatties” single out the most irritating actors and actresses and mark them for death by stoning, drowning, flaying or piercing by arrows. Past Fatty Award “winners” include Pauly Shore, Leonardo DiCaprio and New Kids on the Block.
HOLLYWOOD (OMS) — “Actress” Gwyneth Paltrow today said she had no idea what other people experience in lives less privileged than her own, and that she furthermore didn’t care.
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (OMS) — The Bush Administration today admitted they had been “completely taken” by fraudulent Nigerian offshore banking and other email scams, actions have which they claim have led to the current albatross-like budget deficit hanging around the nation’s neck.
OLYMPUS MONS, Mars (OMS) — The Martian government today threatened to declare war on Earth in retaliation for the recently announced NASA exploration project dubbed Project Hammer Time. Project Hammer Time would use annoying celebrities in high-impact studies of Martian geology and soil composition. The formal Martian declaration was presented to Earth’s United Nations by a Martian delegation that arrived in New York City this morning. It was broadcast by sub-etha waveband on every radio and television on Earth.
WESTWOOD, California (OMS) — A team of university biologists today announced the discovery of an enormous, teeming hive of celebrities, television executives and their hangers-on. Scientists familiar with the study say the complex stretches thousands of miles underground from Southern California to New York and possibly farther.
HOUSTON (OMS) — Thuddingly dull department store mannequin Lance Bass was killed today when he accidentally rammed the International Space Station Freedom into the Hubble space telescope, destroying both orbiting platforms. Five other people, including fellow musical mosquito bite Justin Timberlake, were killed when the joyriding astronaut wannabe Bass collided with the telescope, after having already clipped two television satellites and Shirley MacLaine.
CLINTON, Mississippi (OMS) — WorldCom Chief Executive Officer and Whipping Boy First Class Bernard J. Ebbers was today fired from his job, after which he was summarily executed by corporate firing squad. Ebbers was accused of massive investment fraud, incompetent leadership and just being an all-around nimrod. During Ebbers’ tenure, WorldCom generated a crushing debt load, enjoyed a black-hole stock price and generally cultivated an image as the Amoeba Boys of the telecom industry: not really evil as such, just generally darn annoying and utterly incompetent.
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (OMS) — Microsoft Corp. was today found guilty of monopolistic business practices, obstruction of justice and a Celine-Dionian sense of self-importance; as a result, the company must pay a multimillion-dollar fine and submit to wedgies for its management team.
CLEVELAND, Ohio (OMS) — Whackaloon Congressman James A. Traficant, Jr. (Dumbass-Ohio) today agreed to star in the next season of “Let This Be A Lesson To You” at the Circus Circus hotel and casino as a settlement of his recent trial. Traficant will perform his courtoom routine nightly, with two shows on Saturdays and Sundays. Sources say Traficant will not be paid for his performances; rather, he will have to pay audiences to sit through his shtick. His act will be performed in the Gallagher Memorial It Wasn’t That Funny The First Time Around Theatre.
NEW YORK (OMS) — Accomplished blind mountaineer Erik Weihenmayer announced this week that he is planning to scale Himalayan actor Marlon Brando, Ain’t It Cool News scribe Harry Knowles and air-raid-siren interpreter Patti LaBelle’s breasts, all without the use of oxygen tanks, and all in one calendar year.
LAS VEGAS (OMS) — Shrieking Canadian harpy Celine Dion and her high priest, leathery undead thrall Rene Angelil, today announced an agreement with the Elder Gods to open a pit of torment and bloody ruin in this city’s fabled Strip, according to the Las Vegas Visitors Bureau Although We Don’t Know Why We Should Call Them Visitors Because They’ll Never Leave And Instead Will Spend Eternity Staring Blankly Into The One-Armed Bandit As Celine’s Wailing Slowly Turns Their Brains To Little Wriggling Things.
HOLLYWOOD (OMS) — A post-Oscar preening party turned violent when actor Ryan Philippe was gored by an out-of-control Naomi Campbell. Seventeen others were injured during the high-strung model’s rampage late last night at tony night spot Mortons.
LOS ANGELES (OMS) — Skanky Canadian teen-masturbation fetish and would-be actress Pamela Anderson’s breasts exploded early this morning, killing herself and greasy trailer-park icon Bob “Kid Rock” Richie. Fourteen other people were killed and twenty-one injured in the blast, which took place at the Peppermint Rhino “gentleman’s club” in Encino. Rock’s fellow mobile-home Jesus Marshall “Eminem” Mathers was also killed. The explosion destroyed the club and set fire to eight surrounding businesses. The accident was the worst of its kind since Adrienne Barbeau suffered explosive decompression on the set of the 1981 film Escape From New York. Two people were killed and eight injured at that accident, with Barbeau’s then-husband John Carpenter and actor Harry Dean Stanton among the injured.
NEW YORK (OMS) — Deeply-closeted music producer David Gest and his symbiote, Gorgonlike merkin Liza Minnelli, have announced plans to adopt children and establish a new reign of subterranean terror in New York immediately following their bloodletting ritual here last week.
NEW YORK (OMS) — Talk show host Rosie O’Donnell shocked the nation this past week when she revealed in a television interview that she is, in fact, Canadian, not American as previously believed.
NEW YORK (OMS) — ABC News today announced the hiring of hyperactive commentator John Madden to provide color analysis of the Bush administration.
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (OMS) — United States Minister of Propaganda Attorney General John Ashcroft today announced an expansion in the fight against domestic terrorism by targeting the Shriners and other service organizations.
NEW YORK (OMS) — Fatherland Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge today announced the new terror alert system for fashion victims of the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks. Coordinated by fashion patriots Giorgio Armani and Donatella Versace, the new terror alert system replaces the vague, undefined “terror threat” umbrella with breezy, kicky fashions in all the hot colors. Ridge said the decision to go with designers represents a “new direction” and “a breath of fresh air” and said it was a rejection of the computer-designed camouflage the military displayed earlier this year. Critics jeered the camouflage when it debuted on the Milan runways this winter.
WILTSHIRE, United Kingdom (OMS) — Dozens of celebrities were injured this evening when a mansion belonging to musician Sting exploded during a party. The fete, celebrating the birth of Sting’s 26th child with his brood mare, Trudie Styler, was being held on the grounds of Sting’s palatial estate, “The Lake House”, just outside Salisbury. Casualties included actor Jeff Goldblum, promoter Don King and all four Baldwin brothers.
PALO ALTO, California (OMS) — Researchers at Stanford University’s Medical Research Center today released the results of their study of Attorney General John Ashcroft’s increasingly bizarre behavior.
REDMOND, Washington (OMS) — Microsoft today admitted “vulnerabilities” in gun-fetishizing religious zealot Attorney General John Ashcroft that may allow malicious users to control his actions.
PECTUS CAPITOLINUS, Naboo (OMS) — A secret Naboo government, a relic from Naboo’s Cold War with the Trade Federation, has been exposed by a group of intrepid teens and their dog Scooby-Doo.
Speaking at a press conference today, Freddy, Velma, Shaggy and Daphne (who do not use their last names) said they had gotten a phone call from Daphne’s aunt, Naboo Queen Naberrie Padme Amidala, asking for help.
LAS VEGAS (OMS) — Famous hags Diana Ross and Beyonce Knowles have agreed to meet in a no-holds-barred grudge match to determine who has the most vicious, atrocious hairstyle in this year’s Al Sharpton International Hair-Don’t Competition.
LOS ANGELES (OMS) — Talent-free crash test dummies *NSync were mauled and eaten today when they strayed too close to singer Diana Ross’s hair.
LOS ANGELES (OMS) — Entertainers Joan Collins and Liza Minelli today claimed new victims in their ancient blood feud.
GENEVA (OMS) — Secretary of State Colin Powell came under attack from conservative groups today when he said he “liked” Swiss chocolate, and that he further preferred low-fat milk to whole milk when eating snacks as a whole.
WASHINGTON, D.C. (OMS) — In the glare of television lights, officers of bankrupt Enron Corp. (NYSE: PONZISCHEME) today testified that not only were they ignorant of fiscal misdealings at the rigor-mortisized company, they were unaware of the fact that our planet is a globe.
SALT LAKE CITY, Utah (OMS) — French downhill skier Maurice-Chevalier Oohlala burst into flames and broke up in the skies over Utah today as he competed in the men’s speed skiing preliminaries this morning. No one was reported injured in the latest episode of skiing combustion to rattle the Olympics. Italian skier Roberto-Benigni Vesuvius and Icelandic skier Thor Wotanloki also exploded last week during a trial run.
WASHINGTON (OMS) — Executives of bankrupt Enron Corp. (NYSE: NEENERNEENER) today celebrated the beating death of America’s seventh largest company with the traditional hazing of Congress.
WASHINGTON (OMS) — George W. Bush announced that he plans to appoint polymath genius scientist Dr. Benton Quest to oversee the nation’s missile defense system.
NEW YORK (OMS) — R&B singer R. Kelly has been accused of having sex with a woman of legal age.
Recently, Kelly shocked even the most jaded of Manhattanites when he showed up at a swanky nightclub with a woman who was clearly old enough to drive. “I was amazed,” said Dante’s Inferno Room doorman Elvis Slobinsky. “Normally, he goes for the eighth-graders or high school freshmen. Never anyone older than a sophomore. But the girls didn’t seem to mind.” When asked, Slobinsky confirmed that the girls frequently complained of “being out on a school night” and “past their bedtimes”.
BRANSON, Missouri (OMS) — Former Teamsters leader Jimmy Hoffa was discovered alive and well today in a love nest frequented by Attorney General John Ashcroft. Hoffa, who was wearing a blonde wig, shimmery black cocktail dress and size 14 Jimmy Choos, was apparently gearing up for a night on the town, where he had been headlining for the last twenty-six years at his own supper club, “Nick and Nora”. The discovery was made after reporters who were looking for Wayne Newton’s home were instead given directions to Hoffa’s and Ashcroft’s apartment.
Former account executive David Duncan and former vice chairman J. Clifford Baxter, both recently with dead-as-a-doornail Enron Corp. (NYSE: NOHONORAMONGTHIEVES) were today blamed for the failure of that company, as well as the Hindenburg airship disaster and the assassinations of Presidential gigolo John F. Kennedy, Democratic Presidential nominee Robert F. Kennedy, civil rights leader the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and outspoken activist Malcolm X.
MIAMI (OMS)—Teen pop sensations Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake and Christina Aguilera are caught in a legal fight over the paternity of ‘NSync member Timberlake’s baby.
ST. LOUIS (OMS)—In an eerie display of providential wrath, God struck St. Louis Rams quarterback Kurt Warner and defensive back Aeneas Williams with lightning as they stood on the podium accepting the National Football Conference championship trophy, moments after loudly thanking Him.
SAN DIEGO (OMS) — Iraqi strongman and international nose-thumber Saddam Hussein today issued a thunderous rebuke of the United States’ use of Celine Dion and Shania Twain during the annual Super Bowl festivities here last night.
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (OMS) — Protestors from Amnesty International, Doctors Without Borders and the American Humane Society today picketed the offices of John Ashcroft, saying that the feline-hating, breast-fearing Attorney General engaged in “systematic torture of his staff and visitors with the unearthly howling that he calls ‘crooning’”.
LOS ANGELES (OMS) — Irony struck today when, hours before the jury was to begin deliberation in their infamous “killer dog” trial, alleged human beings Marjorie Knoller and Robert Noel were killed by Donny and Marie Osmond.
CELESTIA, Heaven (OMS) — Newly-arrived soul Fred Rogers has been appointed to the post of Archangel of the West and Defender of Children, according to published reports.
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (OMS) — The Bush Defenestration today announced the resignation of Tommy Flanagan clone Ari Fleischer from his post as White House apologist.
NODNOL, Htrae (OMS) — Madonna was the big “winner” here at the 47th annual Bizarro World Film and Television Academy awards as her roundly booed cinematic excrescence “Swept Away” swept the major feature film categories in which it was nominated, and the “actress” was given the Lifetime Ignominy Award. The “Baffles”, as they are called, are presented each year by members of the Academy and were given at a ceremony here earlier this evening.