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SAG Issues Annual 'Fatwa' List
April 12, 2006
HOLLYWOOD (OMS) — The Screen Actors Guild today announced its 29th fatwa, or death sentence, nominees. The annual fatwa ceremony will be held February 27 at the Chino Men’s Correctional Facility. First held in 1973, the “Fatties” single out the most irritating actors and actresses and mark them for death by stoning, drowning, flaying or piercing by arrows. Past Fatty Award “winners” include Pauly Shore, Leonardo DiCaprio and New Kids on the Block.
In the Olsen Twins Memorial Most Obnoxious Film Brat category, SAG nominated “that creepy Pepsi kid”, Haley Joel Osment and Taylor Momsen. Momsen is considered a lock for her stomach-clenchingly awful turn as Cindy Lou Who in the Ron Howard-directed toe fungus, “How Jim Carrey Farted On Christmas”.
Please Shut The Fuck Up (Male) nominees include James Woods for “his pinheaded comments on terrorism”, in which he called terrorists “diaperheads”, completely ignoring Timothy McVeigh, the Army of God and the Unabomber; Sean Penn for his “pinheaded comments on film critics”, which included comparing them to Nazis; Tom Cruise “for almost every syllable he uttered in 2001”; Brad Pitt “for his empty-headed comments on the burden of fame, which pretty much no one cared about anyway”; and Kevin Kline “for pretty much just being a prissy, self-important pain in the ass”. Heavily-armed right-wing psychos Charlton Heston and Arnold Schwarzenegger will have the Lifetime Jaw-Flapper (Male) Award bestowed on them in a shooting gallery just off Reseda Boulevard in the San Fernando Valley. Randomly placed “Jumping Jack Flash” mines will preclude their surviving to present the award to next year’s winner.
Please Shut The Fuck Up (Female) nominees include Tori Spelling for “not having the sense God gave her and realizing that her whole career is based on one of Aaron Spelling’s orgasms”; Jennifer Lopez “for her ridiculous ‘green room’ demands that include white drapery, white furniture, white candles and mounds of food that she and her Mormon-Tabernacle-sized posse won’t eat”; and Halle Berry for “just not shutting up, period”. Lopez is considered the odds-on favorite to win in this category. Courtney Love is this year’s Lifetime Jaw-Flapper (Female) Award winner, “for being a skank ho who sues her dead husband’s bandmates after driving him to suicide in the first place”. Love is scheduled to be strangled with her own, torn pantyhose.
The Inexplicably Continuing Career Which Will Shortly Come To An End Award will be given to Charlize Theron, Carrot Top and mother-and-daughter harpies Joan and Melissa Rivers. Tickets to this event are free and will be given away at all movie theater box offices.
The Fatty Awards will be broadcast live on pay-per-view starting at 6 o’ clock Pacific time. As a warm-up, Melissa Gilbert will take on Valerie Harper in a no-holds-barred, steel-spiked caged grudge match, with the winner crucifying the loser.
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