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Wal-Mart Submits Hostile Takeover Bid for United States
April 16, 2006
WASHINGTON (OMS) — Officials of Wal-Mart Inc (NYSE: WAMBAMTHANKYOUMAAM) today announced that they have launched a hostile takeover bid of the United States following the collapse of former owner Enron Corp. (NYSE: BITTHEBIGONE). Wal-Mart CEO David Glass, speaking from his human-skin-lined, diamond-encrusted throne room deep in the bowels of the company’s Dentonville, Arkansas headquarters, said that Wal-Mart “had been searching for a new acquisition target, and frankly, K-Mart would put up as much of a fight as a hooker when the Navy’s in town. Isn’t that right, bitches?” K-Mart CEO Charles Conaway and Chairman James Adamson could not provide comment as they were frantically licking Glass’ boots and sucking his erect penis, respectively.
In a prepared statement, Glass claimed that with the birth of the McCaughey septuplets, “[Wal-Mart’s] customer base (also called “Walmartians”) is now 51% of the population of the United States,and in accordance with SEC rules, is now allowed to submit a bid for the other 49%. “Our shitty, shoddy merchandise, predatory pricing and overweening arrogance makes Wal-Mart the perfect corporation to run the Land of the Free. So everybody who makes anything lasting, beautiful, or of value, hide your heads: Wal-Mart’s coming, and we own your collective ass.” With that, Glass stroked his Thomas Kinkade paintings and sighed ecstatically.
Secretary of State Colin Powell, one of the few Washington insiders not on Enron’s payroll when the energy giant melted down, said sadly, “It’s true. Ever since Kenneth Lay had to get that job at Wendy’s, Chimpy and Cheney have been frantically looking for someone to tell them what to do. I jokingly suggested astrologers, but Cheney leaned over from his heart-lung machine and whispered, ‘That’s been done already’.” Powell, who is not expected to survive a Walmartian purge (dubbed “Walpurgis Night”), has increasingly been the lone voice of reason in the administration, buying his suits with a tailor he’s “known for years”, grocery shopping at “this little place I know”, and refusing to buy Britney Spears dolls and *NSync CDs for his young nieces and nephews.
Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer refused to comment, saying, “Look, we just want our privacy, OK? Besides, the American public doesn’t care who runs the country, especially if they get a volume discount.” Fleischer also refused to confirm that President Bush offered his frequently inebriated daughters Jenna and Barbara and Stepford wife Laura as sacrifices “to the Horned God Daverino” so that Bush could find a job mopping up the camera department in Wal-Mart store #25,065.
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