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Hell To Downsize Branch Office
April 18, 2006
PANDAEMONIUM (OMS) — Hell, a fully owned subsidiary of Infernal Enterprises (NYSE: BURNBABYBURN), today announced the relocation and downsizing of its major Washington D.C. offices.
Abaddon, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, announced at a press conference that the continuing economic fallout of the Enron debacle will result in the closure of Hell’s office on Capitol Hill and relocation to the office suites of Attorney General John Ashcroft. Roughly two hundred demons, djinns, wraiths and succubi are to be reassigned to other cities, he said as great plumes of brimstone smoke choked those in the vast antechamber to Dis. However, the ranks of incubi will be increased slightly “the better to fuel Ashcroft’s dreams of dark-eyed young boys doing unspeakable things to him with a fork,” he said, adding that Hell’s overall employment is unlikely to be reduced.
Abaddon added that forecasts by Abigor, demon of precognition, shows that Hell will lose roughly thirty per cent of its business in the coming year directly as a result of Enron’s collapse. “Look, we used to have what, sixty, seventy thousand venal sins every day, coupled with three or four hundred mortal sins. Acts of greed alone generated vast revenues. But since Enron shot themselves in the foot, the number of greedy acts has been almost cut in half.” Projections show that the number of corrupted souls in Washington has been level for the last few years, leading the Pit’s inhabitants to realize that “the market here is pretty much saturated”, Abaddon said.
When asked to comment, Infernal Enterprises CEO and Father of Lies Lucifer Morningstar said, “Everybody’s running scared there, but this is only a temporary setback. Our bottom line is unaffected; we expect Ashcroft and [Homeland Security Director Tom] Ridge to bring us a bumper crop of mendacity over the next three years. It’s only one bad year, after all; we’re into evil for the long haul. Thanks, Jeb!”
Morningstar is also leading a three-centuries-long effort to upgrade Hell’s technology “in order to more efficiently process the vast influx of the damned, as well as increase the revenue stream of the condemned.” As proof, the Dark Prince pointed to the invention of Disneyland, speed bumps, ATMs and especially, the continued existence of Jerry Falwell, the Olsen Twins and Michael Jackson. ” I’m especially proud of ol’ Jerry,” he said, relaxing in a bath of warm ethereal blood freshly wrung from newly damned Klansmen. “I may have to give him a promotion when he gets here. Moloch, fry up some of those Crusaders, will you? I’m hungry.”
“Still,” the Lord of the Flies continued as the screams of tortured souls echoed throughout the Nine Circles, “it could be worse. Have you seen Heaven’s balance sheet this quarter? If they didn’t have He Whose Name I Cannot Speak to artificially maintain the balance, the Golden City would be a suburb of Gehenna by now.”
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