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Microsoft, Disney Declare War
April 20, 2006
REDMOND, Washington (OMS) — Microsoft Corp. Chairman and Commander-in-Chief Bill Gates today declared war on the Walt Disney Corporation over the souls of America’s youth. Microsoft (NYSE: CRUSHGRINDKILLKILLKILL) has been engaging in mouse-rattling for some time over what it claims are “Disney’s egregious and aggressive attempts to co-opt souls that Microsoft already owns”.
Speaking from his island fortress stronghold, Gates announced a new stealth initiative in which Microsoft would launch its armies of programmers into Disney theme parks. The resultant crappy programming would result in chaos, Gates said as his infamous blue screens of death illuminated his normally worm-like pallor. “That s—t-eating f—king Mouse won’t know what hit him,” Gates declared triumphantly. “Those kids are ours fair and square.” His famous rictus grin terrified all present as his eyes glowed yellow and electricity crackled in his hair. Gates’ wife Melinda cooed in his ear as her forked, prehensile tail tickled him in that little spot at the nape of his neck, just above the 666 tattoo.
Walt Disney Corp. (NYSE: ITSAMOUSEWORLDAFTERALL) Ubergruppenfuhrer Michael Eisner responded by launching his own salvo of laid-off, Stepfordized Disney Store workers into stores where Microsoft products are sold. “That a—hole Gates thinks he’s so G-dd—n smart,” said creepy control freak Eisner, his gleaming chest medals and mirror-polished helmet throwing blinding glare throughout his secret bunker far beneath Disney’s California Adventure In California So Why Bother Going When You Can Just Go To The Real Thing Since You’re Already There. “What about Microsoft Bob, huh? Punk.” Eisner slowly fondled his life-size inflatable Minnie Mouse doll, his eyes glazing over. “Oh, yes, Mickey…we’ll rule the world, you and I…yes, Pluto…just like that…” Eisner’s assistants then cleared the conference room, saying that Eisner “needed a little time-out”.
Early indications are that Disney’s strategy is working; isolated news reports say there have been incidents of full-blown panic in Los Angeles, New York and Miami. “It was horrible, man, just horrible,” said Elvis Slobinsky, manager of CompUSA Store #4503 in Van Nuys, California. “Those frozen smiles and their stiff, stilted movements…I’m still sweating.”
The bloated, increasingly Jabbaesque Gates is confident of victory. “Hey, the Feds were just a warmup, and now that our boy Chimpy’s in office, it’s smooth sailing. So now we can turn our attention to squeezing the last cent of profit out of millions of slav—er, consumers, without worrying about pesky ‘monopoly’ and ‘anti-trust’ rules. Just ask Bud Selig.”
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