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ILM Wins Lucrative Defense Contract
April 24, 2006
SAN FRANCISCO (OMS) — George Lucas today announced that Industrial Light & Magic, a subsidiary of Lucasfilm Ltd, has been awarded a three-year, $1.6 billion contract to maintain and upgrade the electronics of President Dick Cheney and his sock puppet Chimpy. Speaking from his corporate offices (informally known as “the Death Star” or “Ego Point”) at Skywalker Ranch, Lucas said that he was honored and proud to have been selected as the sole source for Presidential puppetry. The contract had formerly been awarded to the Creature Shop, a subdivision of Jim Henson Films (NYSE: KERMITRULES).
“We’re really jazzed about this,” said Lucas as his beard moved independently of his jaw. “Lucasfilm has a long and proud tradition of creating better presidential animatronics. We have the utmost respect for Henson, but really, no one does lifelike characters better than us. Heck, we made Michael Jackson seem sentient in Captain Eo. President Cheney will be a cinch. Nobody ever sees him, anyways. Bush will be more of a challenge, although we’ve got a pretty low baseline established for him. Small words, short sentences; even Ray Harryhausen could do that. We intend to bring Bush fully into the 21st century: more than one facial expression, the ability to dance…he’ll even be able to eat pretzels. Plus, we think that by upgrading Bush’s memory, we’ll be able to program him with actual geography, world history and politics. And we have a few more tricks that might make Laura happy. No more turkey basters.” At this, Lucas winked and scratched his hairpiece, which purred and snuggled closer to his scalp. “Besides, why shouldn’t we have a chance to gorge ourselves on the inflated defense budget? They owe us big for even using the phrase ‘Star Wars’.”
Secretary of State Colin Powell, when informed of Lucas’ plans for the presidential upgrade, wiped his brow and said, “Finally. I was getting tired of that punk-ass Bush leaving me to twist in the wind whenever I said something sensible. Maybe now we’ll actually have a comprehensible foreign policy that doesn’t make us look like drooling right-wing tools.” Powell sighed deeply. “Ah, who am I kidding? I need a drink.”
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