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Comcast Inaugurates New Terms of Service for Subscribers
April 26, 2006
WILMINGTON, Delaware (OMS) — Comcast Cable Corporation today announced that it had begun systematically seizing the assets of its cable subscribers and evicting them from their homes as part of its new operating procedures.
Comcast (NYSE: W3OWNJ00) said that it had changed its Terms of Service (TOS) and as a result, was allowed to do “pretty much whatever we friggin’ want”, according to Chairman Ralph J. Roberts. Roberts spoke at a news conference to confirm the company’s new, more militant stance on cash flow. “We are determined to keep this company growing. However, our subscribers are already reeling under the strain of a recession, job loss, a shaky stock market, and the fact that we charge them hundreds of dollars a month for the Fox News Channel and twelve showings a day of Little Nicky on STARZ! So, in accordance with our new Terms of Service, we are seizing our customers’ assets and liquidating them. The bottom line is, we are going to be livin’ large this year.” Comcast’s stock ended trading with a net gain of $14.33 a share.
Comcast had already caused a stir earlier this year when it started tracking its members’ online surfing habits without telling them. Emboldened by the FCC’s laissez-faire attitude (“they pretty much jump behind the furniture whenever we show up,” Roberts said, “and [Attorney General John] Ashcroft asked me if there was some way he could take over California.”), Comcast then revised its Terms of Service to allow the company to force subscribers to forfeit their houses, cars and bank accounts. The new TOS also indentures “all present subscribers and their progeny unto the seventh generation” to be used as servants for the Comcast board of directors.
Roberts said he got the idea while studying the frequently incomprehensible End User License Agreements (EULAs) that Microsoft and other software makers force down the throats of those who buy their products. In Microsoft’s case, the EULA gives Microsoft the right to automatically download patches to users’ machines without telling them. It also allows Microsoft to remotely turn off programs that Microsoft feels might cause problems with its new operating system, WindowsPU. These programs include so-called uncredentialed programs, but frequently include anything not written and sold by Microsoft.
“Good golly, I just love it when a plan comes together,” said Roberts as he lit a cigar with a $100 bill. He seemed relaxed, sitting as he was on several nude, kneeling Comcast subscribers while others jumped to his bidding. “The best thing is, the FCC and the Justice Department won’t do a goddamn thing about it. We got our hands so far up [FCC Chairman Michael] Powell’s ass, the only reason his lips move is because we wiggle our fingers.”
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