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Nature Admits 'Terrible Mistake', Destroys Grammy Awards As Act Of Contrition
April 30, 2006
LOS ANGELES (OMS) — Mother Nature held a press conference today to say She has made a “terrible mistake” and as a result, has swallowed the Grammy Awards whole and returned them to the Pit from whence they came.
The living embodiment of our planet, speaking from the bucolic, shaded glen that formerly held the headquarters of the Recording Industry Association of America, said that She is also recalling the souls of “the unforgivably skanky Pink, Mya, Li’l Kim and Christina Aguilera”, as well as “that money-grubbing plastic-souled motherfucker Lou Perlman. Oh, yeah, I got something special planned for him.
“But let me tell you why I’m so late,” continued Sakti, Her delicate, gauzy sari blowing in a noninexistent wind and causing Dick Cheney to mutter uneasily in his sleep. “I got a little distracted trying to repair the damage caused by nuclear weapons testing and acid rain and suddenly boom! Assembly-line boy bands. Creed. Michael Bolton. Michael Bolton!
“I cannot allow this to continue unchecked, and that’s why I have destroyed the Grammys, returning them to their elemental particles at the Earth’s core. I have also sent lava runners to the Capitol Records building and the headquarters of Sony, Universal Vivendi, Columbia and DreamWorks, as well as Shania Twain’s house. Let me be clear on that point: Shania must be stopped. I have, however, elected not to visit My revenge upon Clive Davis because he’s tight with My emissary, Carlos Santana. I have also appointed Ladysmith Black Mambazo and Aretha Franklin as My spokespersons. When Aretha talks about ‘R-E-S-P-E-C-T’, you’d damn well better give it to her.”
Demeter paused to get a drink of water as a gentle spring shower fell from clear skies, much to the horror of Kenneth Lay. “I’m telling you, you don’t know the horror I felt seeing the Wendigo in the audience. Who the hell let her out of that cave in Quebec? I’m sorry, what? Who’s the Wendigo? Oh, you’d call her Celine Dion. Unfortunately, she escaped before I could recapture her and her ancient, wizened high priest. Did you see that guy? What a shriveled-up old prune. Jeez.”
When asked why She didn’t recall the souls of Britney Spears, the Backstreet Boys and ‘NSync, Gaia replied, “Oh, they don’t have souls. You’re on your own with those three. I also regret having to recall the souls of Aerosmith. They used to be great, but ever since they met the arch-fiend Diane Warren, they went over to the Dark Side and…well, you’ve seen the result. I am further issuing an immediate recall of Kid Rock. He must not be allowed to breed, especially with that demon-ho Pamela Anderson. I messed up with her and Tommy Lee. It’s not going to happen again. Sting will get my special attention, too. Mister ‘I’m Concerned About The Environment But I’ll Overrun It With My Hellspawn Anyway Because I’m Rich’ Sumner better watch his ass.”
With that, the Mother Of Us All disappeared in a puff of monarch butterflies, but not without a final warning. “Beware! Beware rappers with the word ‘Li’l’ in their stage names!”
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