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Fox Network Chokes To Death During Patriotic Binge
May 06, 2006
Fox Network Chokes To Death During Patriotic Binge
NEW ORLEANS (OMS) — The Fox Network was found dead in its temporary living quarters here, the victim of an apparent overdose of knee-jerk patriotism.
According to police spokesman John “Little Johnny” Drapeau, police discovered the bloated corpse after Fox missed its appointment with television show Futurama. “He had dis big ole American flag stuck halfway down his throat, see?” said Drapeau. “We found all kinds of patriotic paraphernalia in his suite: flags, bunting, commercials, you name it. I love mah country—me and the missus take the kids out for some patriotism all the time—but dis… dis was the sign of someone who musta been real confused about his patriotic identity. Like he was nervous ‘bout feelin’ proud or sometin’.”
Drapeau refused comment on reports that the network had been masturbating over highly-polished combat boots and pictures of fully-armed, camouflaged soldiers at the time of its death. He also refused to speculate on reports that the word “Kandahar” had been written in eyeblack all over the suite. Military fetishism is often linked to patriotic overdose, he said, “but de Big Easy po-lice ain’t finished our investigation yet.”
Drapeau also said that the body showed signs of a continuous binge that had been going on since “the end of September, as far as we can tell. We found videos of the World Series that had pictures of flags and fighter jets everywhere. We also found pictures of soldiers and militaristic themes splattered all over the Super Bowl. Sad, really. He could have paid honest tribute to our military and left it at that, but sometimes… sometimes folks jus’ get carried away.”
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