« Fox Network Chokes To Death During Patriotic Binge | Main | Enron Documents Outline Plan For Global Domination, Dance Craze »
Christ Returns, Kicks Ass
May 10, 2006
Christ Returns, Kicks Ass
ROME (OMS) — An angry Jesus Christ returned today, shortly after the anniversary of His resurrection, and announced that he would be “takin’ care o’ bidness”. Witnesses at the Vatican said the air was rent asunder by the blast of the Archangel Gabriel’s trumpet, followed by an enormous thunderbolt that actually stopped Israel and Lebanon from throwing rocks at each other, if only for a minute. Hostilities resumed when they decided that Christ did not in fact represent their God.
As Christ descended from the heavens, a booming voice could be heard worldwide, intoning, “Who is worthy to hold the Book, and open the seals thereof?” Witnesses said Christ muttered, “None of you little bastards, that’s for sure,” as every eye bore witness and every ear had to hear.
Livid and red-faced, His eyes burning with a righteous and furious anger, Christ spoke at a press conference here early this morning, just before traditional sunrise services were to be celebrated at the Basilica of St. Peter.
“Look, I am sick and tired of this crap,”said the Living Word of God, His voice resounding without aid of microphones. “You’ve advanced technologically beyond anyone’s dreams, yet spiritually, you’re still in the third century. You motherfuckers have screwed up everything I ever said.
“Look, folks, here’s the deal: I wasn’t supposed to come back for another eighteen hundred years, but I figured, what the fuck? God wanted me to wait, but I said, ‘Holy Me, Dad, how much further do they have to sink?’ It’s not like you’ve actually advanced any, you know. I mean, come on—_Paris Hilton_? What is up with that?
“So listen up: this is a preemptive strike. Pop has told me to limit the damage to the wrathful, the hypocritical and Fox News, and he knows what he’s doing. So I’m not going to get everybody this time around, but I want you to think about it, for My sake. I got a few items here to take care of right quick. Catch y’all on the flip side.” The Son of God then disappeared in a puff of calla lilies.
News broadcasts around the globe are reporting the Redeemer’s activities:
Jerry Falwell was found in his Lynchburg, Virginia, home, bound hand and foot with his favorite garters and fishnet stockings. A diamond-encrusted platinum tennis racket continuously beat the self-proclaimed spokesman for God on his flabby, corpulent ass. The racket was inscribed with the words, “As ye sow, so shall ye reap, motherfucker.” According to Police, Falwell’s only comment was to scream, “Judge not, lest ye be judged!” between blows.
In Los Angeles, Cardinal Roger Mahony was found in the street in front of the Catholic Church’s $50 million ejaculation, the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels, continuously vomiting 24-karat gold coins. According to eyewitnesses, Christ dragged Mahony out of his offices and into the street, yelling, “I don’t throw just the moneylenders out of the temples, shithead!”
In Lawrence, Kansas, members of the Kansas State Board of Education awoke to find themselves with gills and prehensile tails. Witnesses said that clouds rearranged themselves to read, “Try Reading A Book Other Than The Bible Every Once In A While, Morons” in 8,000-point Helvetica type.
In Houston, former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling miraculously began to sweat crude oil. He was immediately captured and taken to Walter Reed Army Medical Hospital, where the Bush Administration hopes to drill them for more than 40,000 gallons a day.
The Anointed Infant Who Loathéd Not The Virgin’s Womb next turned his attention to the Pope…snapping His fingers, causing an astonished Pontiff to rapidly devolve into the primordial ooze from which all life sprang. At the same time, the College of Cardinals spontaneously exploded into a shower of confetti.
And in Washington, D.C., President Cheney and his sidekick, Chimpy the Sock Puppet, were amazed to find themselves transformed into pregnant, unwed, undereducated teenage mothers. Reports said that Christ whispered two words to the not-so-odd couple before leaving: “Compassionate conservative.”
Last updated by Josh on