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Enron Documents Outline Plan For Global Domination, Dance Craze
May 12, 2006
HOUSTON, Texas (OMS) — Securities and Exchange Commission investigators revealed the presence of thousands of private documents which detail Enron Corp.’s (NYSE: PUSHINGUPTHEDAISIES) intent to manipulate international energy prices, as well as former CEO Kenneth L. “L Is For ‘Lies Like A Rug’ ” Lay’s burning desire to create a new dance craze.
Elvis Slobinsky, Houston’s United States Attorney, said at a press conference today that the existence of these documents was “a smoking gun, or at least a water pistol. Clearly, Lay wanted not only piles of cash, but the ego satisfaction that would come from seeing people do his dance on American Bandstand. Is there no end to his perfidy?”
Slobinsky said that Enron’s furtive Terpsichorean strategy came to light as investigators sifted through thousands of intact documents which Enronites had neglected to shred before lighting out for Greenland. The plan, which was called “Operation I Got Rhythm”, was hatched by Enron executives after a drunken week at Club Med in Ixtapa, Mexico, where Lay and Enron President Jeffrey L. Skilling were reportedly angered and humiliated at their inability to master the Macarena, the Hustle, or the Funky Chicken.
According to sources close to the investigation, the new dance (known to insiders as the “Kenny Boy”) was to be virally marketed, as paid Enron employees would go to clubs and raves and demonstrate Lay’s brainchild. Dancers would be so inspired, the thinking went, that they would show their friends and so on, until someone busted an Enronian move on Soul Train, thereby providing Lay and Skilling with the assurance that they could, in fact, shake their groove things so well they could teach Denny Terrio and Lester Wilson a thing or two about getting on down.
Unfortunately, said Slobinsky, “that thing [the dance] sucked. No self-respecting clubbista would even think about booty-shaking with that lame Enron crap. I mean, it looks like a friggin’ waltz crossed with the Electric Slide, for God’s sake. How the hell do you waltz to the Chemical Brothers or Moby? Even the Backstreet Boys wouldn’t use that epileptic-seizure-looking stupidity. Lay and Skilling must have been smoking something a little more potent than tobacco down Mexico way, that’s for sure.”
A spokesman for Lay and Skilling disputed the implied drug use. “They’re Republicans,” said the rep. “They’re far too tight-assed. Kenny hasn’t even had an orgasm since 1988.”
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