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Judge Orders Lockout Lifted
May 14, 2006
WASHINGTON (OMS) — A federal judge today ordered the Cheney Administration to lift its lockout of the puppeteers and technicians responsible for George W. Bush’s public behavior and restore them to their previous jobs. The court order breaks an eighteen-month stalemate between Republican Party stalwarts and one of labor’s most important unions, the You’re Absolutely Right, He Is A Puppet And It’s Our Hands Up His Ass Political Theatre Guild.
Thomas F. Hogan, Chief Justice of the D.C. District Court, issued a writ blasting the Administration for its behavior during the bitterly acrimonious dispute. The hot- button topic in the lockout is workman’s compensation. A number of the technicians have filed workman’s comp claims for repetitive-motion injuries, also called RSI. The Cheney Administration insists that RSI does not exist. In his writ, Hogan noted the Administration’s objections and wryly commented, “Medical science has repeatedly shown that workplace ergonomics is an important factor in employee well-being, not an issue the Chimp and his cronies can simply wish away. The pain is not ‘just in their heads’; neither is it ‘junk science’. Get over yourselves, you ninnies.”
The ruling clears the way for a lawsuit filed by the Guild to proceed. The Guild suit, filed in December of 2000, alleges that members were notified that as of January 2001 they would no longer receive overtime, vacation time, sick time, lunch breaks, a 401(k) plan, or indeed, even be allowed to quit. The suit also alleges that Administration officials insisted that Cheney be addressed as “His Most Magnificent Potentate, Magus Magisterius, Owner Of Our Very Souls, Light of the Universe And Laura’s Nummy-Yummy Dreamy-Weemy Kissy-Poo Love Bottom”. Administration sources say that the suit has merit on those points. Guild President and Mummer-in-Chief Elvis Slobinsky says the suit doesn’t go far enough. “The suit doesn’t go far enough,” he said in an interview. “This whole ‘Kissy-Poo’ business clearly violates every workplace regulation in the book. And the whole ‘Hail Caesar, We Who Are About To Die Salute You’ thing is for the birds.”
Administration officials say the ruling is completely without merit. “We are confident of the facts in this case,” said White House fluffer Tony Snowjob. “All the Lord Pontificator is saying is that we must kneel before His most august glory when in His beatific, resplendent presence, Poppy be praised. Tossing the rose petals and spraying perfume is a highly-sought-after job benefit.” Snow also defended the replacement puppeteers, made up of Bush campaign donors, when asked about Bush’s unending stream of embarrassing verbal gaffes. “When you’ve got so many people with their hands in the till—uh, such an intense interest in the future of our country—naturally, sometimes you get a conflict of opinion.”
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