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Cheney Goes On Rampage, Destroys Capitol
May 18, 2006
Cheney Goes On Rampage, Destroys Capitol
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (OMS) — A rampaging President Dick Cheney went on a wild spree today and was subsequently killed in a firefight with the military that destroyed the Capitol Building here.
Sources say Cheney had been acting increasingly harsh since the Wilson?Plame law suit…crowning himself with a 24-karat gold laurel cluster, butting into head of the line at Starbucks and demanding that Democrats in Congress turn their wives and daughters over to him as “spoils of war”. Female Democratic representatives were to be “farmed out” to Republican donors as party favors. According to these sources, the arrogant, reptilian Cheney also demanded that Democratic Senate and House leaders be decapitated and their heads mounted on a pike outside Cheney’s offices at the Naval Observatory.
Witnesses were amazed. “I was amazed,” said a bewildered Maryland National Guard Gen. Elvis Slobinsky. “We knew Dick was a complete asshole, but this? Wow.” Slobinsky’s comments came at the traditional post-battle press conference. Smoke from burning marijuana plants filled the air as the Capitol’s secret pot stash was engulfed in an inferno.
Slobinsky led reporters on a brief tour of the battle area. Cheney was at Congress’ morning session, urging representatives to pass a resolution adding Ubergruppenfuhrer to his title, when “he just went berserk,” according to Congressional page David Kingsolver. “I was in Dick Armey’s chambers getting buttf—uh, a consultation, when we heard a tremendous crash,” said a shaken Kingsolver. The closed-circuit TV showed Cheney tossing people around like confetti. I buttoned up my pants—uh, briefcase—and ran out into the hallway just in time to see Cheney pick up these huge statues and crush them like rice paper.
“I dove back under Armey—uh, an armoire—and I heard Cheney yell, ‘Apres moi, le deluge!’ and ‘L’etat, c’est moi!’ Then there was this noise like thunder. Cheney had brought an entire wing of the Capitol Building.”
Police were completely outclassed by Cheney’s Presidential armament. “Our bullets just bounced off him,” said Slobinsky. “He even withstood anti-tank rounds. He took a Hellfire missile up the ass and didn’t even blink. He just stood atop the Capitol dome screaming ‘Master of my domain! Master of my domain!’ Then he used his telepathic link to his heart-lung machine to really wipe out our troops with that damn gamma-ray laser of his. And his chest-mounted rockets were just devastating. Whoever built his animatronics really knew what they were doing,” he said admiringly.
The National Guard finally brought out their top-secret weapon to stop the seemingly invincible Cheney. “We showed him nude pictures of Janet Reno and Barbra Bush,” said an ashen Slobinsky. “We didn’t want to do it, but it was the only way. We hacked into his command centers and streamed the photos at him until he collapsed. It didn’t take long.”
“Apparently, Cheney’s animatronics malfunctioned,” Slobinsky said. “The circuits responsible for keeping his brain alive somehow became corrupted and he began thinking he deserved power by divine right. You know how people sometimes think they’re Napoleon? He thought he was Richard III. Fortunately, we caught him before he drowned John McCain in a vat of malmsey.”
Official White House surgeon Buffy St. Claire agreed with Gen. Slobinsky’s assessment. “The nutrient bath in the jar housing Dick’s brain has been tainted with crack cocaine and PCP. It appears that this has been happening for quite some time…CAT scans of his brain show enormous damage in the What The Fuck area, as well as the You’ve Got To Be Kidding ganglia and the Why The Fuck Not lobe. The area of his brain responsible for empathy and compassion was completely scarred over, but we think that injury happened at birth.”
St. Claire refused comment on rumors that House Speaker Dennis Hastert and Cheney’s wife Lynne were seen in Cheney’s cryogenic lab early this morning.
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