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Surgeons Announce Research Breakthrough
May 20, 2006
Surgeons Announce Research Breakthrough
ST. LOUIS, Missouri (OMS) — Researchers announced today that they have completed work on a stunning new procedure that, if successful, will allow doctors for the first time to surgically implant spines in Congressional Democrats.
Dr. Elvis Slobinsky, leader of the research effort, said that the breakthrough culminates years of work. He said the advent of high-speed computing networks and processor-intensive large-scale modeling helped cut research time from decades to less than three years. Dr. Slobinsky, who holds the Really Impressive-Sounding Chair Funded By Some Obscure Donor Who Bought Us This Nice New Building If We Graduated His Son Who Didn’t Really Care About The Family Business But Just Wanted To Chase Girls And Get Drunk And Wasn’t That Just Like The Boy To Break His Mother’s Heart And Disappoint His Dad at Washington University Medical School in St. Louis, spoke at a press conference here early this morning.
“We’re proud to announce that the first subject, Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Ammit It’s About Time) has completed her therapy with spectacular success,” said a beaming Dr. Slobinsky. “We implanted some stem cells in Nancy’s back and guided their growth with economic theories that actually work, mixed with a bath of compassion and common sense. We knew we had succeeded when Rep. Pelosi gave George the Dumber the finger right after the elections.”
Slobinsky said that he had been involved in stem-cell research for some time, but it had been “mostly theoretical up to now”. He said he got the idea from colleagues who kept complaining about the dickless wussiness of Democrats in Congress, who seemed eager to roll over and let the Republican Party have its way with them. Slobinsky said he was further spurred to action when the Boy King threatened to cut off stem cell research early last year, despite the promise the research holds in treating a host of illnesses such as Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s diseases. “We knew we had to act fast before the money ran out. So I was passin’ a doob with my pals Davey and Big Jim one night and Davey said, ”Wouldn’t it be somethin’ if we could give the Democrats some backbone?’ And I said, yeah, but we’d have to grow complete new ones for them. So Big Jim said, ‘Well, we do have a lab, ya know?’ And that started me thinking,’Yeah, [the Democrats are] a bunch of candy- ass submissives,” said Slobinsky, “but a beneficial side effect would be that they grow back the balls they had cut off when they were elected.”
Slobinksy also said the lab had regrown the spines of more than 200 Democratic politicians so far, with another 500 “ready to decant in a few weeks.” He said that the lab was planning to implant the backbones at an undisclosed location in the nation’s capital. Sources said Democratic genetic material was collected from saliva that the representatives allowed to drool from their lips as they sat up, fetched, rolled over and played dead on Republican command.
Response from the nation’s war-drunk Republican overlords was immediate and heated. Presidential Puppeteer Karl Rove held a press conference wherein he blasted the group’s work as “evil”, “immoral” and “contrary to Our Wishes”. “Who the hell do they think they are?” he foamed as the front row of reporters succumbed to the poison contained in his spittle. “They work on what We say they work on. How can they think of creating a questioning, thinking being—uh, disloyal, unpatriotic left-winger at a time when the oil comp—uh, the Federal Government needs patriotic, right-thinking, right-leaning Americans? They will pay,” he continued as flames licked from his eye sockets, “oh, yes, they will pay, my preciousss.”
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