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Bush Announces New Faith-Based Initiative
May 26, 2006
Bush Announces New Faith-Based Initiative
WASHINGTON, D.C. (OMS) — George W. Bush today announced the formation of the Inquisition of America, the latest and largest of his controversial faith-based initiatives. The announcement followed last week’s 6-3 Supreme Court decision, which allowed the formation of Young Intolerance militias in the nation’s high schools. In that decision, Ashcroft v People With Common Sense, a sharply divided high court said in part, “Formation of these squads will hurt no one except those who refuse to step aside in deference to their betters, and in fact, will help force so-called ‘free thinkers’ to knuckle under.”
“This new initiative is designed to upgrow the vaster enumerals of people who worship Poppy the Father, Me the Son and Cheney the Holy Spigot, so you un-Christian bastards better get your minds right,” mumbled Bush as members of the Justice Department ritually tortured the leaders of the ACLU, People for the American Way, and the Log Cabin Republicans. His remarks came during the annual States’ Rights Wink Wink Yeah That’s The Ticket Convention.
Administration officials say ex-Attorney General John Ashcroft is expected to head up the scapegoating effort.
“We are confronted today with those who do not think, act, or look like us,” Bush told a cheering throng of people who haven’t had an orgasm since 1992, “and they must be made to conform. We cannot have independent thought or action in this great country of ours. We must enjoy the freedom to choose Nike or Reebok; the freedom to choose Tommy Hilfiger or FUBU; the freedom to choose Microsoft and Disney and McDonald’s—just like everybody else.
“That is why I have named the ex-Attorney General to head this new faith-based initiative. John Ashcroft is the kind of loathsome, sanctimonious, rigid-minded—er, conservative leading light that this country needs in an era of uncertainty. He and his holy assistants Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell shall tell us what to watch, what to listen to, whom to worship. And we shall do it under pain of death…unless you’re a wealthy white Republican, in which case, nothing will change for you.”
Ashcroft, resplendent in his ceremonial robes decorated with Hieronymus Bosch’s paintings of The Last Judgment, wasted no time in exercising his new powers, ordering the Statue of Liberty melted down for “immodest womanly raiment” and issuing an arrest warrant for renowned Italian artist Michelangelo Buonarotti for “that disgusting statue of David. Why, you can see his pee-pee and everything! I should be the only one allowed to see that—uh, see it, uh, destroyed. And don’t think I meant anything else.”
When informed that Michelangelo lived during the Italian Renaissance and, in fact, died hundreds of years ago, Ashcroft was adamant. “That little is gonna get what he deserves! And I’m gonna give it to him! Over and over! Uh…rhetorically speaking, of course.”
Ashcroft also announced the appointment of sexless antiabortion wingnut Randall Terry to oversee the “proper application of women’s reproductive rights in a Christian, God-fearing manner, without worrying about godless ‘science’. In fact, women will not be allowed to worry their little heads about it because they won’t be educated any longer. We’ll just take that burden right off their dainty shoulders. And we’ll be using the latest behavioral science, along with surgically implanted blinders, to keep men’s minds out of the gutters in case they’re tempted by women—you know how girls are.”
“Of course, I and certain others will not be receiving the blinders and conditioning—somebody has to be able to pick up on the latest porn—uh, designer clothing trends. Maybe this year they’ll make garters that don’t bind.”
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