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Bush Administration Announces New Economic Stimulus Plan
May 28, 2006
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (OMS) — The Bush Administration today announced new federal rules which they say are designed to keep manufacturing businesses in America and stop the overseas flight of thousands of jobs.
Health and Human Services Secretary Mike Leavitt issued the new rules today. “We have long striven for less complicated federal regulation of business, and these new rules will grease the wheels for the mighty engine that is the American economy,” Leavitt told cheering throngs of executives at this week’s My Private Jet’s Bigger Than Yours Conference on Fleecing Your Serfs And Who Cares About The Little People Anyway. “Finally, we have what you want.”
The new guidelines replace the current U.S. Labor Code, which is thousands of pages long, with two sentences: “Do whatever the hell you want. Just give us money.”
“For far too long, business has suffered under the yoke of oppressive rules such as ‘workplace safety’ and ‘environmental responsibility’,” Levitt said as he received the oral ministrations of orc concubines Bill O’Reilly and Peggy Noonan. “No more do you have to concern yourselves with those pesky child labor laws or rules concerning air quality. Just do whatever the hell you want. Workman’s compensation? Gone. Mine safety regulations? Toast. Dioxin dumping? Go right ahead, as long as you do it where the poor people live. Logging of thousand-year-old redwoods? Noise pollution? Arsenic in the drinking water? Overtime? We don’t care…as long as you keep our campaign coffers stuffed with your generous donations lifted from those outdated and ridiculous employee benefits plans that we just outlawed!”
Levitt said that the Bush Administration “isn’t done yet. We’ve got a little campaign finance reform for you, too, if you’ll just pass us a few bucks. Oh, and those tiresome reporters constantly hounding you over the huge spikes in rare cancers near your production facilities, or pestering you about the nine-year-olds working in your iron foundry? Thanks to the USA Modern-Day Inquisition And Patriotic Flag-Waving Smokescreen While We Pick Your Pockets Act, we’ll just have them declared ‘disloyal’ and ‘enemy combatants’ and poof! They’re gone. No trial. Indefinite detainment. In fact, we’ll just make them slave labor in the spiffy new sweatshops that we’ll pay you to build. What’s not to like?”
George W. Bush led his own cheerleading session. “This new economic stimulus plan will get America working again,” he said before stunned members of G7, who hung their heads at having to share the room with him and wondered how the hell it ever came to this, “and will get Americans working again without the albatrosses of ‘oversight’ and ‘ethics’ hanging around their necks. Why, just this morning, more than 5000 anti-war protesters have been rounded up and are set to begin construction of the Ronald Reagan Gulag For Independent Thinkers And Other Traitorous Bastards, which they will occupy immediately upon completion. It’s morning again in America!”
Reaction from Congressional Democrats was swift and unanimous. “Please don’t hurt us,” begged a prostrate Richard Gephardt (D-Ickless).
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