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Criminal Claims Responsibility For Bush Administration
May 30, 2006
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (OMS) — Grinning super-villain the Joker today claimed he caused the Bush Administration. Speaking from his Ha-Hacienda at the Acme Toy Company, the Felonious Funster said that he was the prime mover behind the rigging of the Presidential elections in November 2000, as well as the Enron and WorldCom business scandals.
The Joker claimed that he used small doses of his signature poison, dubbed Joker venom, over a period of weeks on five members of the Supreme Court to make them susceptible to his commands. “I’d actually been planning to put Batman on trial again, except this time I would use Scalia and his puppets, but then this [the election controversy] came along and it was too good to pass up. So I said to myself, ‘Self’, ‘cause that’s what I call myself, although Harley calls me ‘Puddin’, but that’s neither here nor there…Anyway, I said, ‘Self, here’s a golden opportunity. Wouldn’t it be funny if Gore actually lost the election despite getting more votes than Bush? Talk about history in the making.’ And I did it all!”
“Anyway, the election was such a smashing success that I decided continue my little prank. Once I had Chimpy McSmirk and Captain Heart Attack—and more importantly, Karl Rove—under my control, it was child’s play to have them nominate the most outrageous people I could think of to head government bureaus. Who better to head the Women’s Health division of the FDA than a guy who prescribes Bible verses for women with PMS? Why not name a financial industry lobbyist to head the SEC? Why not have the so-called Vice President, a former energy company executive, meet secretly with other energy company executives while setting national energy policy and then refuse to talk about it to other government agencies? Brilliance, I tell you, sheer, unadulterated brilliance! And it worked better than I’d hoped, too! Lex Luthor must be green with envy right about now.
“Enron and WorldCom were different, though,” the Mirthful Mountebank continued as reporters cowered at gunpoint. “These people knew who I was and they trusted me anyway! Boy, you should have seen their faces when they found out I’d double-crossed them. They had the nerve to be surprised! Hey, Kenny-boy, I got a new dance. You’ll love it—it’s called the PERP WALK! Hahaha!
“Why did I do it? ‘Cause it’s FUNNY!” he shrieked. “Oh, the humanity!” His piercing howl deafened the roomful of reporters, who all thought it was still better than one of Ari Fleischer’s briefings.
The Clown Prince of Crime defiantly pooh-poohed rumpors of his involvement in the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. “I wouldn’t even think of such a thing. Really, it’s just stuff that got Blowed Up Real Good. Come on—crashing an airplane into a building? Where’s the subtlety, the irony? It’s got no style. The people who did that obviously have no sense of humor.”
When asked why he was confessing to these crimes, the Joker shrugged sadly. “The joke isn’t funny anymore. The bloom is off the rose. It’s funny, you know—well, not funny ‘ha ha’, but funny ‘strange’—but I almost wish Batsy would find me. At least he gives me a good rasslin’, even if he is a sourpuss stick-in-the-mud. God knows the Democrats don’t put up much of a fight and I didn’t have to use anything on them.”
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