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U.S. Claims It Finds WMDs, Socks
June 02, 2006
U.S. Claims It Has Found WMDs, Socks, Remotes, etc
AS SULAYMANIYAH, Iraq (OMS) — American forces here claimed they have found “almost in their entirety” the missing elements of Iraq’s banned weapons programs.
In a press conference, Colonel Elvis Slobinsky, commander of the U.S. Army’s elite 101st We Have Always Been At War With Oceania War Is Peace Slavery Is Freedom We’re Winning The War On Terror And Won’t Somebody Please Think Of The Children Corps, today claimed that not only had the military found Saddam Hussein’s missing stockpiles of banned munitions, but they had also found “a mountain of pens, wallets and remote controls” buried in enormous underground bunkers in the desert just north of this provincial capital.
“Saddam was more cunning than we thought,” said a weary, dusty Slobinsky as workers unearthed yet another barrel marked “CELL PHONES”. He was using Nazi Super-Science�„� to maliciously deprive decent, hard-working Americans of their Constitutional right to matching socks. Do you know how many socks I personally have had go missing? And imagine if you had to get up to change the channel. He’s mad, I tell you—MAD!!”
A visibly shaken Slobinsky continued to detail the grim findings. “We’ve known for years that Saddam wanted to embarrass us on the world stage. Now we know what he was up to. That diabolical madman wanted us to become a nation of Absent-Minded Professors. Fortunately, the Army was here to stop him. Thank God Bush had the balls to stand up to him before one of the Presidential pens went missing. We’d have had to bring in twenty or thirty Secret Service agents for that.
“We’re looking at roughly 300,000 remote controls. We’ve also found over one million pens, four hundred thousand pairs of glasses, and 1.6 million socks, both athletic and dress. And none of them match any of the others.”
But Hussein’s perfidy didn’t stop there. Sources familiar with the search say that the Army has unearthed top-secret attempts by Iraq to obtain and deploy highly-sought-after prank technology, and that Marine commandos have recently captured Johnny Knoxville, who wasn’t actually on the most-wanted list, but who was just really darn annoying. “We think [Johnny] was preparing to turn over a list of advanced ‘Jackass’ stunts to Hussein, perhaps in a misguided attempt to get someone to publicly admit to liking him. Saddam, of course, was just using Johnny to get at our classified gag capabilities. Wet Willies, Purple Nurples, Indian burns…Saddam was after it all,” said one highly-placed source on the condition that the source not be identified for fear of being laughed at. “We understand he was only six months from developing wide-scale atomic whoopie-cushion technology. Ever get wedgied while wearing a sixty-pound field pack? The fiend!”
Sources say that military experts are combing through the mountain of refuse looking for Bush’s brain, Cheney’s heart and John Ashcroft’s courage.
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