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Bin Laden Granted Taxi License By City of Dearborn
June 04, 2006
YOUR DRIVER
5-9-06: DEARBORN, Michigan (OMS) — Saying he wanted to “drive American commerce to its knees”, international terrorist and criminal mastermind Osama bin Laden was granted a taxi license yesterday.
Dearborn officials were horrified when bin Laden, the mastermind behind terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the USS Cole, as well as other atrocities, appeared in person to accept his license.
“In our defense, we didn’t really look all that closely,” said Dearborn Mayor Michael A. Guido. “Really, all we knew was that some guy that resembled Hadji from Jonny Quest wanted a hack license.” When reminded that Hadji was a thirteen-year-old Indian boy and bin Laden is an adult, bearded Saudi national, Guido shrugged and said, “Well. Proves my point, doesn’t it?”
“Unfortunately, bin Laden’s license is valid,” said Dearborn Taxi Commmissioner Elvis Slobinsky. “The city code only says you can’t have been convicted of DUI within the previous twelve months. What were we supposed to do, call the FBI? What do we tell them—that we saw some guy with a turban and a beard? That’ll really stand out, I tell you.”
“With this mighty weapon in my hand, we shall bring Allah’s justice to the wicked Great Satan,” crowed bin Laden, his voice rising to a shout. “No more shall you oppress the righteous army of Islam! With this license, I shall cripple your computer networks and—what? It’s a what? Whaddaya mean, I gotta drive a cab? No, I wanted computer access, not to ferry some old lady to her weekly Bingo game. In the name iof Allah, how am I supposed to defeat the Demon of the West if I’m stuck in traffic on Highway 96?”
“Oh, for crying out loud,” he continued sheepishly, “looks like I got a hack license, not a hacker license. Um… sorry for all that ‘Great Satan’ stuff I said. Sorry, everyone. No hard feelings, right?”
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