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Cheney, Scalia Vow Support For Gay Marriage Amendment
June 06, 2006
WASHINGTON, D.C. (OMS) — Power behind the throne Dick Cheney today astonished small-brained conservatives everywhere when he pledged “deep, abiding support” for a constitutional amendment allowing gays to marry.
The consternation was doubled when Opus Dei zombie Antonin Scalia also announced his support for such an amendment. Scalia also announced his surprise engagement to Captain Heart Attack, saying that Cheney was “a man’s man. Literally. Let’s face it,” he told the Conference of Concerned Deeply Repressed Republican Women Who Really Need Some Quality Time With A Gallon Of Astro-Glide And A Really, Really Big Vibrator, “we’re just upholding the core conservative value of keeping the government out of the bedroom, right? So we’re just setting an example. And I’m wearing my special boxers just for you, Dickie-baby.”
Cheney’s remarks came before the weekly power breakfast of The National Association of Hunters And Collectors Of Big, Long, Hard, Powerful Weapons That Fire Rapidly Over And Over Not That This Means We’re Insecure Or Anything. “I was talking to my longtime companion Tony Scalia as we sat huddled close together in that tiny, intimate duck blind…his hands caressing his rifle…keeping it well lubricated..and suddenly he looked at me with those puppy-dog eyes and said, ‘I love you, man.’ It was then that I knew that my artificial heart belonged to him. It was then that I vowed to work for a constitutional amendment allowing gay marriage, so that I could openly proclaim my love for Tony. Them lips was made for kissin’!” he squealed.
When asked about his current marriage, Cheney waved his hand diffidently and replied, “As you know, Laura’s been my merkin for quite some time and I’m ready for a change. Besides, she cranks enough Xanax to stun a herd of elephants. I don’t think she’d even notice.”
Scalia said he’d been “holding back” his feelings about Cheney for some time. “I just love saying his name,” said a smitten Chief Justice. “‘Where’s my Dick?’ I would shout. ‘I need Dick! Dick! Diiiiiiiiiiiiick!’”
Reaction to the announce was swift and varied. “I guess you could call this your classic ‘good news, bad news’ scenario,” said Mary Cheney, daughter of the Vice President and an open lesbian. “On one hand, he’s finally decided to treat his daughter like a human being. On the other…well, you get the picture.”
Boy King George W. Bush was stunned. “I am thunderplucked,” he said in a statement. “Cheney and Scullery engaged in homerspecial activitation? Unbefathomable!”
Elvis Slobinsky, head of the Log Cabin Republicans, said, “Big fuckin’ deal. Maybe he can bend over for us for once.”
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