« Cheney, Scalia Vow Support For Gay Marriage Amendment | Main | Bush Threatens To Unleash New 'Super-Weapon' If Iran Does Not Disarm »
Springsteen Explodes On Stage; Voted 'Best Show Ever' By Village Voice
June 08, 2006
Springsteen Explodes On Stage; Voted ‘Best Show Ever’ By Village Voice
NEW YORK CITY (OMS) — Vein-busting singer Bruce Springsteen spontaneously combusted during his performance at Madison Square Garden this evening.
According to eyewitnesses, the husky-voiced Springsteen, who managed to maintain his regular-guy persona despite being as wealthy as the Sultan of Brunei, was performing the climax of his crowd-pleasing anthem “Rosalita” when the unfortunate explosion occurred. Ironically, “Rosalita” followed “I’m On Fire” and was itself to be followed by the roof-raising “Tenth Avenue Freeze-out”. Fans, believing the explosion to be part of the show, stood and waved their Bic lighters in appreciation. “Wicked cool effects,” shouted one jubilant attendee.
Experts were amazed. “I was amazed,” said Dr. Elvis Slobinsky in a post-blowup press conference. Dr. Slobinsky is dean of the Shake It Up Baby Twist And Shout School of Musical Physics at New York University.
“Bruce’s clothing was specially treated with non-flammable compounds for just such an emergency. It’s a special ablative we developed in conjunction with NASA, and is rated at over 5 Tinas of musical energy. Bruce and the band normally give off about 1.5 Tinas per show, although his maximum to date is 2.3, recorded August 15, 1994, in Altoona.” (A Tina is the standard unit of musical energy; one Tina is enough to power *NSync for three years.)
Slobinsky theorized that Springsteen’s marathon concerts may be partially to blame. “We’ve known for some time that Bruce and the band give off a special kind of radiation when they play, exposure to which leaves fans exhilarated and exhausted. Until now, that output has been contained by specially designed musical instruments. Really, it’s a long process, but apparently four-hour shows night after night wore away the ablative until he literally went out with a bang.”
Members of Springsteen’s longtime backing corps, the E Street Band, and their roadies were unhurt. “We think they’ve built up a tolerance to the elemental Bruce particles, which enables them to not only withstand but thrive in such an environment,” Slobinsky said, shrugging. “The E Streeters’ chemical makeup is a synergistic mix that has always had the potential for combustion, but the twin poles of Bruce and Clarence [Clemons] had always interacted to modulate the energy from their shows. It’ll take years just to figure out how he went critical.”
Dr. Slobinsky scoffed at reports that the university allowed Springsteen to explode as part of an experiment into the fundamental nature of the musical universe. “Ridiculous,” he spat. “We’ve made a buttload of cash selling that energy back to California. Why kill the golden goose?” When prodded, however, Dr. Slobinsky allowed that his stash of Springsteen bootlegs had just skyrocketed in value. “Aruba, here I come!”
Last updated by Josh on