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Bush Threatens To Unleash New 'Super-Weapon' If Iran Does Not Disarm
June 22, 2006
Bush Threatens To Unleash New ‘Super-Weapon’ If Iran Does Not Disarm
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (OMS) — George W. Bush threatened Iran with “the stuff of nightmares” if President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad does not immediately drop to all fours and present his naked ass for a spanking.
Bush made his remarks yesterday at a press conference in Crawford. Dubya claimed that he “had already gotten his daddy’s permission to speak before being spoken to”. In a long, rambling speech, Chimpy the Sock Puppet revealed the existence of a fearsome super-secret military experiment: genetically enhanced clowns. “I can state tonight that the United States has, for the last fifteen years, been engaged in an ongoing program of enhancing coulrophobia, the so-called ‘clown effect’ “, he said as Ted Kennedy’s jowls slowly devoured Dennis Hastert. “We know that garden-variety clowns are capable of instilling fear into even the hardiest of souls; well, thanks to our own super-science, we have developed the ultimate in circus warfare, which we have dubbed Operation Lord of the Three Rings: a genetic hybrid of Marcel Marceau and Emmett Kelly.”
The audience gasped; rumors of clown warfare had been circulating in the so-called “black ops” world for several years, but no one expected such a public announcement because mummer armament has been banned under the Geneva Convention since the 1972 Barnum Accords. “Our clowns represent the acme of big-top performance,” Bush continued. “Thanks to Operation Lord of the Three Rings, their squirting corsages can hit enemy cavorters in the face from up to fifty paces away. Their greasepaint also contains special psychotropic substances, field-tested at Celine Dion’s Las Vegas temple, that induce a hypnotic state into the victim, rendering him or her vulnerable to suggestion. This new super-weapon has been training at Area 51 since 1992.”
Bush further said that several brigades of combat clowns had already been dispatched to unnamed staging areas deep within Iraq, “in order to more easily terrify small children who will then grow up into brainwashed adults who will eagerly buy Lee jeans, GameBoys and Reeboks and go to Vegas for a three-day bender. So I’m warning you, Mahmoud: if you know what’s good for you, you’ll roll over and give it up or you might find a pair of extra-large shoes under your bed some day.” Independent news sources in Iran confirm the presence of hundreds of tiny cars driving across the desert. Each car is capable of holding ten clown troops and their oversized Nerf bats; such a fleet could easily traumatize an area the size of Nevada.
Ahmadinejad was unimpressed. In a fifteen-hour retaliatory speech, he claimed that Iran is developing its own corps of fundamentalist Islamic suicide clowns, who squirt themselves. “Neener, neener,” he said as he gave Bush the finger.
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