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Hollywood Producer 'Really, Really Sorry'
June 30, 2006
TOM………………..AND JERRY……..and JOHN?
LOS ANGELES (OMS) — Jerry Bruckheimer, producer of such skull-bustingly stupid fare as National Treasure and Armageddon, today apologized for his part in the relentless dumbing-down of American culture. Saying that his prodigious cocaine habit “in no way excused [his] actions”, Bruckheimer fell to his knees before a stunned crowd of call girls and Shriners and begged the forgiveness of the American public.
“Look, I got started with Don Simpson in the seventies, alright?” said a contrite Bruckheimer. “We were doing lines at Mortons one night after Flashdance came out and between that and the unbelievable girls Heidi Fleiss kept sending over, well, things got out of hand. I mean, who would have known that Top Gun and Beverly Hills Cop would have hypnotized so many people? I am so fucking sorry.”
Bruckheimer also apologized for making such big stars out of Tom Cruise and Martin Lawrence, saying that he “had no idea Tom was so good at blackma— convincing people to give him a shot. And Martin, well, the less said about him, the better.”
Bruckheimer claimed to have been “completely out of [his] mind and under the influence of Travolta’s mesmeric Scientology powers” when he produced a string of movies that, while successful, lowered the collective American IQ to single digits. These movies all had the same hallmarks: ear-splitting music, food-processor- speed editing, thuddingly bad dialogue and Tom Cruise or, later, Nicolas Cage in the lead role as some guy who has stuff happen to him and gets to have sex with anorexic, barely self-aware bimbos.
Bruckheimer said he knew he had a problem when “an Angel of the Lord” appeared to him and told him God was exceedingly wrathful about Gone in Sixty Seconds. Bruckheimer claimed that the angel appeared again after Pearl Harbor and yet again when Bruckheimer agreed to produce Bad Boys 2. The last visit was the most frightening, Bruckheimer said. “That last one, I thought ‘Holy shit’. The angel was so pissed I thought he was going to beat me to death with my gold-plated golf clubs. Instead, he said that God simply threw up His hands. When an angel says ‘What the fuck’, it gets you thinking, you know?” Claiming that he “can’t sleep anymore”, Bruckheimer said he will become a sewer worker in Fargo, North Dakota, and donate his money to “people with talent who need a break”. Applicants can go to the Web site Bruckheimer set up for that purpose, nomoresuckassmovies.com.
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