« Bush Administration Wins Top Prize At Cannes | Main | Venusians Express Solidarity With Mars, Express Concern Over Earth's 'Weapons of Mass Destruction' »
Cameron Stages Coup, Deposes Lucifer
July 13, 2006
PANDAEMONIUM (OMS) — Hell was wracked by chaos after film director James Cameron staged a bloodless coup and dethroned Lucifer Morningstar early this morning.Cameron, who has long been called “More Satany Than Satan” and “Chock Full O’ Evil” by those who worked for him, was here to shoot Blinded by the Light, Lucifer’s bestselling autobiography. Cameron has long been a fan of the Goat-Horned One and has called Light “the chance of a lifetime”. Many insiders believe that Cameron has longed to rule in Hell ever since he was spawned there millennia ago. Cameron has made no secret of his fondness for the Lake of Fire and in fact bought a vast estate in Dis, a city on the edge of the Inferno, two years ago after his divorce from actress Linda Hamilton. Hamilton had no comment other than to note that it was eerily reminiscent of their marriage. “Looks like Jim finally got what he wanted,” she said in a prepared statement.
Cameron had repeatedly clashed with the erstwhile Prince of Darkness during filming. Lucifer demanded rush review rights, only to be rebuffed by the dictatorial Cameron, whose motto is “My Way Or My Way”. Cameron has also butted heads with Morningstar over the number of succubi to be bound to Cameron’s will, as laid out in the agreement the two signed. Cameron’s leather-winged attorneys say that the contract allows Cameron to claim “a substantial number” of the sex demonesses, to which Agrat-bat-mahlaht, Hell’s Chief Succubus and Demon of Seduction, replied, “Well, yeah, but not all of us.”
Sources say that Cameron got the idea to oust Beelzebub after scouting locations in Hell and talking to the Powers and Principalities of the outlying infernal regions. By offering starring roles in upcoming films, Cameron managed to secure enough backing to depose the Fallen One. Cameron then announced his arrogation of power via conference call. He said that all contracts signed with Hellcorp would be honored.
Calling his ascension to the Skull Throne “the setting of the accurséd sun and the beginning of the Long Twilight,” Cameron declared that the old ways have to give way to the new. To that end, the Usurper has brought along a new set of tools with which to torture the walking world. Sources say that Freddie Prinze Jr. and the cast of Friends, along with Tara Reid and the Olsen Twins, have been given vast new powers of torment, far outstripping their old deals with Morningstar’s Hellcorp Films division. Cameron’s first official act as Adversary Novus was to replace the traditional punishment for the traitorous. That punishment-having one’s bones broken, the body contorted into an impossible position and encased in a lake of ice-is reserved for the most evil of humans, and was one of Lucifer’s favorites. Cameron has changed this punishment to include eternal reruns of Full House and Adam Sandler’s entire film catalog. However, Cameron said he was “a big fan” of the red-hot ovens currently in use to torment the wrathful, as well as the feces-spewing curse reserved for those who bear false witness. Contrary to rumour, Cameron said he has no plans to screen Titanic. “At least, not until Celine and Leo die,” he said with a chuckle.
Cameron, who has taken the name “Surtr” after the Norse fire demon, has appointed Dumah, Commander of the Demons of Gehenna, as Grand Infernal Interlocutor and Secretary of State. Dumah will be Cameron’s second-in-command and will rule in Cameron’s absence.
For his part, Lucifer is surprisingly unruffled at the sudden overthrow. He has already signed a multi-picture deal with Disney Films and has opened a new film studio, Mefilmstopheles, headquartered at the new Hollywood and Highland complex in Los Angeles. “I wish Cameron the best of luck and bear him no ill will,” the former Beautiful Angel said by phone from the swimming pool on the roof of his office building. “That boy’s got potential.”
Last updated by Josh on