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Venusians Express Solidarity With Mars, Express Concern Over Earth's 'Weapons of Mass Destruction'
July 15, 2006
APHRODITE TERRA, Venus (OMS) — The leader of Venus’ Free Beings Coalition today harshly condemned the escalating tensions between Earth and Mars and vowed to side with Mars should the interstellar celebrity standoff continue.
“This situation cannot be allowed to continue,” said a stern FBC Chancellor Homina Homina Googly-Moogly. Googly-Moogly spoke before a crowd of 15,000 Venusians at Aphrodite Terra’s annual Sulfuric Acid Harvest celebration. “We stand united with our Martian cousins and plead with the Planetary Council for a new resolution allowing us to disarm the brutish Terrans, who are clearly a threat to solar stability. How these unevolved simians ever managed to stand upright is beyond us. Any species which creates a cult of celebrity before colonizing its own moon must be treated as the danger that it is.“After careful consultation with our sister states of Ishtar Terra and Beta Regio, and telepathic visits from Martian delegates, we have decided that Venusians everywhere cannot countenance this rogue planet. To this end, we have dispatched General Woof Woof Tooki-Tooki to Earth in order to inspect their declared celebrities lists. Should Earth be found to be in material breach of their declarations, we shall burn the planet down to the bedrock in order to preserve the peace. Except for Norway, of course.” General Tooki-Tooki is the highest ranking officer in Venus’ planetary defense system, and is widely known as a no-nonsense, take-no-prisoners kind of squidlike being who ran the legendary Yellow Peril combat force during the Alpha Centauri war two centuries ago. “A few humans would, of course, be preserved for study in one of our lovely zoos here on Venus, but the rest of you have just got to go.”
Chancellor Googly-Moogly waved his cilia in agitation as he recalled “Earth’s stalling, delays and outright lies” in complying with the Edict of Mercury laid out fifteen years ago. Under the terms of that edict, humanity was sharply limited in the number of celebrities and hangers-on allowed to exist at any one time. “Humanity are noted for their ability to deceive and lie like rugs,” he said. “Well, except for whatshisname, Gandy or Gundree or whatever it is. He was cool. Based on projections derived from our emissary Hawking’s reports, mankind should be ending planetary hunger right about now, but noooo…you find new reasons to chase fame, and now you’ve involved our close allies from Mars with your pathetic ‘celebrities’. Like American Idol is actually shining example of talent and charisma. Sheesh. Our bacteriological warfare will give you Venereal diseases like you never saw. We’ll turn you all into a race of Britney Spears offsprings.”
The North American Air Defense Command in Colorado Springs, Colorado confirmed the existence and imminent arrival of the Venusian fleet. General Elvis Slobinsky, NORAD Commander in Chief, said the nation’s defenses had been placed in a heightened state of readiness. “Our silos are loaded with Tom Cruise Missles. We’ll give them boys ‘a walk to remember’,” he said before breaking into tears and calling for his mommy. The White House urged all Americans to continue to pay the utmost attention Academy Awards fashion. They also reminded the public that Paris Hilton has a new album.
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