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Vice President Hacked
July 17, 2006
PASADENA, California (OMS) — A red-faced Microsoft Corp. scrambled to avoid looking more stupid than usual after Vice President Dick Cheney was hacked by a group of students from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. The MIT students were engaging in the traditional senior prank, which this year included a jibe at rival repository of super-egghead smartypants the California Institute of Technology, located just outside Los Angeles.
The intrusion was not detected until today, when Cheney appeared at the Caltech commencement ceremony for the smarter-than-Brainiac student body. Witnesses said that Cheney gave a narcolepsy-inducing speech that was roundly ignored by the propeller-beanied crowd, who preferred to play with their remote-controlled gyroscopic yo-yos and palm-sized, homebuilt supercomputers.
As Cheney launched into the third hour of his concluding remarks, he suddenly hiccuped three or four times and shouted, “Watch me! I’ve got soul, and I’m super bad!” Witnesses said Cheney then yelled “Caltech drools! MIT rules!” before performing a perfect Michael Jackson-esque moonwalk across the dais and launching into a rousing version of “Papa’s Got A Brand New Bag”. Alarmed staffers actually began to dance before realizing that the empathy-free Cheney was born with neither soul nor rhythm, and furthermore was unaware of the existence of such a thing as “thrilling the crowd”. Embarrassed technicians immediately rebooted the Vice President before he could perform the crowd-pleaser “Please Please Please”. After his restart, Cheney reverted to the stiff, animatronic style which reminds people uncomfortably of Disneyland’s Country Bear Jamboree. The Vice President was then hustled out of sight to one of Caltech’s Ultra-Top-Secret GroovyStuff�„� labs, where computer scientists discovered the exploit.
“It’s a marvelous piece of work,” said Professor Elvis Slobinsky. Doctor Slobinsky holds the Albert Einstein’s A Nitwit Compared To Us Computer Laboratory chair here at Caltech and won this year’s highly coveted Acme Golden Screwdriver award for his invention of the programmable automated Pez dispenser. “It’s actually pretty cool, even if they are from MIT. Apparently, they discovered an unused, little known portion of Cheney’s operating system, the conscience, and leveraged the rest of the OS from there. Since the conscience possesses command override functions, they could make Cheney do pretty much whatever they wanted: sing, dance, laugh without causing stock market panics…anything. I’ve got to hand it to those guys.” Slobinsky said that Microsoft had previously uploaded several patches into Cheney, but had somehow neglected to remove access to his conscience. Microsoft spokesperson Buffy St. Claire said the software giant was “stunned” at the hack. “We didn’t even know we’d put a conscience in there,” she said at a press conference from Bill Gates’ Hall of Doom. ” That wasn’t in the specs. I mean come on, he’s a politician, you know?”
When contacted by reporters, the mega-IQed MIT students said their point had been made and there would be no more intrusions. “We only did this to, like, score with chicks and stuff,” said Lex Luthorian MIT senior class president and Uber-Geek Black Beanie Brigade leader Maynard Framistat as his far-larger-than-normal brain slowly pulsed in time with his heartbeat. “Well, okay, and because it was fun. But we got a big scare: we got a call from Lynne Cheney asking if we could install a penis. We had to tell her ‘No way’. Sorry, ma’am, but there are things even budding Evil Criminal Super-Geniuses won’t do.”
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