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Bush Placed On 15-Day Disabled List
July 19, 2006
WASHINGTON (OMS) — Presidential impersonator George W. Bush has been placed on the 15-day disabled list with a severe strain of his cerebral cortex suffered while watching a movie.
According to White House spokesman Ari Fleischer, the injury occurred late Sunday evening as Bush mistakenly attempted to watch The Seventh Seal, a bleak masterpiece of existential cinema directed by legendary Swedish filmmaker Ingmar Bergman. Sources said Bush had actually intended to watch Navy SEALS, a piece of cinematic bat guano starring legendary frequenter of prostitutes Charlie Sheen that leaves the viewer feeling bleak about having lost ninety minutes of his existence.
According to those sources, Bush actually managed to watch and understand about fifteen minutes of Bergman’s magnum opus before asking, “Hey! Where’s the helicopters at? How come nothin’s been blowed up yet?” When told that nothing in The Seventh Seal actually involved nuclear weapons, terrorists, squealing tires or explosions, Bush reportedly muttered, “Dadgummit, more crap,” before watching more of the film. A few minutes later, Bush exclaimed, “Chess? Why’s them two playin’ chess instead o’ fightin’ or joustin’ or whatever they did back then? And where’s Charlie Sheen?” When his staff tried to explain that the chess match represented man’s interior struggle between mutually conflicting urges, the increasingly Fuzzy-Lumpkins-ish Bush got a nosebleed and screamed, “Git them dang big two-dollar words out mah haid!” before collapsing face first in a bowl of popcorn.
White House physician Dr. Elvis Slobinsky attended the stricken faux-President. “Bush has a severe strain of his right cerebral cortex, in the area responsible for philosophy and self-awareness,” said Slobinsky at a press conference from Bethesda Naval Hospital. “I haven’t seen a cortex injury this bad since Reagan tried to watch Gandhi. All of this could have been avoided had Bush tried to exercise his cortex prior to attempting viewing of a movie that required him to actually think for himself. He completely ignored our orders to start with something small, like Pauly Shore, and work his way up through Happy Gilmore, The Love God? and The Three Stooges Meet Hercules before moving on to the more advanced stuff. The way it is now, it’s like using a Yugo to pull a mobile home. Really, what the hell was he thinking?”
This is not the first time Bush has injured his brain. As a student at Harvard Business School, he was briefly hospitalized with severe cerebellum cramping after attempting to read “Leaves of Grass” and “Ozymandias” in the same school year. He has limited his reading ever since to Reader’s Digest magazine.
Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert was called up to take Bush’s spot on the roster.
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