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Bush Announces Massive New Bureaucracy
October 07, 2006
The Department of Making Me Look Less Stoopit
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (OMS) — George W. Bush today announced that his administration plans to create a new Cabinet post which will oversee the largest Federal Department in history.
Speaking at the Florida Republican Committee’s annual Fuck The Poor Power Breakfast & Cross Burning, where he was scheduled to participate in next month’s ceremonial ballot box theft, Aethelred the Unready said that he ordered the creation of the Department of Making Me Look Less Stoopit in response to worldwide perceptions that he was dumber than a bag of hammers. According to a knowledgeable source, the original plan was to name it the Department Of Making Me Look Smart, but “nobody would believe it. Even Rush Limbaugh didn’t go for it, and he believes that Clinton caused the San Francisco Earthquake.” White House apologist Tony Snowjob had no comment, although sources said he was “relieved” at having someone to whom the buck could finally be passed.
The enormous new department, with a budget roughly twice that of the Pentagon, will employ nearly ten million new employees. The new hires would be put to work “immediately”, according to the source. “They’ve got almost six years of crap to sort through, plus they’ve got the new Do-Over Agency to worry about.” The Do-Over Agency would be responsible for immediately correcting the First Puppet’s innumerable verbal gaffes, along with the use of a traveling corps of voice actors who would actually read his speeches while the live-action Charlie McCarthy mouthed the words.
Other White House sources said noted Republican knothole Dan Quayle would be Bush’s first pick as head of the department. When asked why the former Vice President was nominated as Secretary of Stoopit, Bush said, “Well, he’s perfect. I mean, he’s the political equivalent of Brittney Spears, isn’t he? He even giggles.” Asked by reporters how he could justify a massive expenditure that runs against core conservative values even as the economy is reeling, Bush replied happily, “Ask Danny. That’s why he’s the whipping bo—uh, my highly-qualified nominee.”
Reached for comment, Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle said there would be little opposition to Quayle’s nomination. “We agree completely” with the nomination, he said in a prepared statement from his offices in One Horse, South Dakota. “Against all odds, they actually found the one guy dumber than [Bush] is. Well, aside from Paris Hilton and Ann Coulter, of course, but even they weren’t dumb enough to accept the post.”
The Department of Making Me Look Less Stoopit is the first new Cabinet post since then-President Clinton created the Department Of A Little Slower Yeah Just Like That in 1995.
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