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Scientists Discover New Element Responsible For Funky Grooves
October 13, 2006
CLEVELAND, Ohio — (OMS) Musical physicists today held a press conference here to announce startling new findings: the isolation of a new chemical element responsible for funk music.
The existence of the funk atom, which the scientists have dubbed jamesbrownium, has been widely theorized for years,but this is the first concrete evidence of its existence. A team of musical physicists at the University of Mississippi’s Funkentelechy Institute isolated the atom after years of effort. Dr. Elvis Slobinsky, chairman of the Institute and holder of the university’s All Hail John Lee Hooker Except You Nancy Reagan ‘Cause You’ll Never Understand chair in the Hollywood Swingin’ School of Music, said that the breakthrough occurred when team members, exhausted from the strenuous research effort, attended a musical reunion of the Isley Brothers. “The funkiness readings went off the charts,” he said. “Our instruments almost burned out. Ronald Isley was kind enough to stop by the Institute and he set off the funk detectors from fifty paces. It was unreal.
Slobinsky said this revelation led to a sense of renewed purpose for the team, which was awarded a special Grammy for its efforts. “The amazing thing is, the results are astoundingly uniform,” he said. “People exhibit one of two reactions to the presence of jamesbrownium: those who Get It and those who don’t. Those who Get It display what we call the We Gots Ants In Our Pants And We Needs To Dance Syndrome, which involves fevered, rhythmic booty-shaking, numerous ‘whoop-whoop’ cries and nonstop demonstrations of what we scientists call ‘busting a move’. People who don’t Get It generally become Republicans.”
The team’s findings were verified when researchers at UCLA’s Ohio Players School of Music and Coordinated Dance Routines For The Horn Section accidentally stumbled upon jamesbrownium while researching the musical question ‘What Is Hip’? That team theorized that jamesbrownium is a naturally occurring element and may be generated when the brain’s I Got Soul And I’m Super Bad lobe is hypertrophied. The ensuing radiation stimulates temporary cellular activity in surrounding humans, resulting in what Slobinsky called ‘repeated attempts to do the splits’. Scientists are still studying this phenomenon, which they have decided to name “James Brownian motion”.
Slobinsky said that repeated exposure to jamesbrownium is not without its price, and must be approached with caution. “Isolated incidents of jamesbrownium poisoning have cropped up. This poisoning, which our UCLA colleagues have dubbed the ‘Placebo Syndrome’, may result in delusional behavior, such as extensive plastic surgery to make oneself resemble a gargoyle or shooting one’s television. Elvis Presley andMichael Jackson had some of the strongest jamesbrownium readings ever, but sadly, it’s gotten to the poor bastards. Have you heard Jackson’s album, Invincible? If only there was something we could do for him. He’s going to become Howard Hughes eventually.”
According to the researchers’ findings, some people may be naturally resistant to jamesbrownium’s effects. “In a very few cases, some people are absolutely uneffected. Perhaps feeling left out of the delirium, yet still wanting to get down with their bad selves, these sad individuals fake the effect, but with none of the orgasmic joy. They imitate the moves, but on the inside, they’re just plain Justin and Britney, with no release, nothing thudding rhythmically in their souls. To them, funk isn’t a way of life; it’s just a job. Look at that pathetic sad-sack Michael Bolton.”
Slobinsky said that they have gotten confirmation of jamesbrownium’s existence all over the world. “Readings are epecially strong in the Caribbean and the Mississippi Delta, down through Latin and South America. The Brazilians’ funk readings are too high to measure. St. Louis, Chicago, Memphis-very strong readings there. We’ve gotten readings from throughout Europe and the Middle East straight through to Asia. We think Africa’s one big mother lode. However, something seems to be canceling out the presence of jamesbrownium in Washington, D.C. Strange.”
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