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Axis of Evil To Meet Legion of Doom in Supervillain Finals
October 20, 2006
Washington DC (OMS) — The Axis of Evil held off the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants and the Legion of Doom swept aside the Illuminati to set up tonight’s Supervillain Finals. The surviving members of the Evil Mutants and the Illuminati will meet for the bronze medal.
The Axis of Evil (8-1) seemed to be horribly outclassed at the start by the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants’ superpowers, given that member nations Iran, Iraq and North Korea have the military muscle of Rhode Island. Mutant leader Magneto, the self-styled Master of Magnetism, started the Mutants’ scoring by neatly decapitating the Axis’ North Korean leader Kim Jong Il with a fusillade of steel hubcaps. However, the Axis responded by blaring revolutionary speeches by the late Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini at over 150 decibels, causing Evil Mutant the Blob to explode from the sheer sonic energy and stunning Mutants the Toad and Mastermind into unconsciousness. Magneto only escaped when teammate Quicksilver managed to turn off the broadcast by shaking the loudspeakers to pieces at super-speed. The Brotherhood (6-4) responded with Magneto dropping a small iron asteroid onto Iran’s underground nuclear facility.
In the late match, the Legion of Doom rode the combined super-genius of Lex Luthor and Brainiac as they stormed past the world-controlling Illuminati. However, Solomon Grundy’s strong right arm proved the crucial difference as the Legion (9-0) routed the Illuminati for the second time in three months. The home-team Legion also defeated the Secret Masters (7-2) on Skull Island last December to secure the top seed in the Olympics.
Doom team captain Luthor and first lieutenant Brainiac spent weeks after the World Championships devising a top-secret computer virus to destabilize the Illuminati’s command-and-control networks, which was introduced into the Illuminati computers by means of the Nigerian Offshore Banking hoax, which exploits Microsoft’s notoriously buggy Outlook software. Once the Illuminati’s networks were down, their business-suited footsoldiers milled about aimlessly, allowing Grundy to crush the skulls of the Illuminati leaders almost at will. The Joker then applied the coup de grace with his patented Joker venom, littering the field with grinning, gray-pinstriped corpses. The Legion suffered no losses for their first ever shutout in Olympic competition.
“I can’t believe that lame s—t worked,” a jubilant Luthor exclaimed after the victory. “We were going to go with ‘I Love You’ or the Kournikova exploit until we realized the Illuminati don’t care about sex, only money. What a bunch of yutzes. But hey, what do you expect from a bunch of Microsoft lusers? Everybody knows Linux beats the pants off Microsoft anyways.”
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